So, you had another baby...

Dear friend,

You just gave birth to your second baby.  I am so, so unbelievably excited for you.  Babies are so wonderful. And what a blessing for your first child. As an only child, I truly believe that a sibling is the best gift. I promise that you will soon forget the pains of your latest labor and birth experience. You will fall deeply in love with your new baby, just like you did with your first.  There will also be many adjustments. I want to let you know that it is all going to be okay, but there are some things that you should know.

You may wonder (once again) if you will ever sleep again. You will. In time.  It is hard. So hard.  With your toddler running around you will not be able to sleep whenever the baby does.  You will be so tired. Enjoy any and all snuggles that you can, even if they are at 2 a.m.  Since you are always on the go, these days will pass even faster than you thought possible. 

Yes, the infant stage is hard. But, on the other had, there will be aspects that are surprisingly easy. I mean your new baby is not going to argue about what they are wearing when they leave the house. Or what snacks to pack. Babies are so portable! Remember the first time around when you were afraid to leave the house??  Baby number 2 will end up in all sorts of places that you NEVER would have even considered bringing baby number 1!  

Your toddler may regress a bit.  After all, you are paying all sorts of attention to this little thing that cries all the time.  You are carrying it everywhere!  Carry me!  I can cry too!!  Yeah...  That's hard too.  But it will also pass. It will!  

You will be perpetually late for awhile. Because you can't yet account for how long it takes to prepare two little people plus yourself to leave the house. As for leaving the house...you will want to go out!  To burn off some toddler energy and because that baby is so portable, and you are SO bored, but you will quickly realize how hard it is. How do you even grocery shop?  Bucket car seat in the cart plus toddler in the seat leaves very little room for groceries. Free roaming toddler can be dangerous. Tip: use the baskets meant for small grocery loads.  Put one under your cart and fill it up. Makes it easy to unload too. Alternatively...baby wear!  Leave the bucket in the car and strap that baby to your chest. :)

There will be times when both kids are driving you nuts. They are both crying for different reasons. Or maybe they are both sick (good times)!  It is completely okay for you to cry too. And to wonder if you really should have had another baby. How can you handle this?!  You can. Just not always. Ask for help. TAKE help. Even if you normally don't. 

Bedtime can suck. Oh boy. And I am saying this when I often have the help of another adult. Loosen up a bit. Do not stress. You will find your groove here too and you know how quickly baby sleeping schedules change. The world will not end if one kiddo gets 20 minutes less sleep. So, yes, try to make bedtime happen, but don't freak if it is later than you wanted to it to. Remember...perpetually late. 

There are good things too.  

Your heart will never feel so full as the first time they giggle at each other.  I have found myself driving on more than one occasion with my two in the backseat when a giggle fest breaks out.  It is as though they already have some secret way of communicating. Something that only they understand. I look back and they are just looking at each other and laughing. 

You will melt at bedtime when your first baby insists on giving the new baby just. one. more. kiss.  Or giving them a favorite toy. Or helping at bathtime. How could you possibly say no?  Let your first baby help whenever possible. Get a diaper. Bring a burp cloth. Sing baby a song. It will make them feel useful and included. Storytime is so much more fun with two littles snuggled close to you. 

Now let's talk about you for a second. I know how much you want to breastfeed. It will be easier and harder to give that a real go this time around. Easier because you have more experience, you know how it should go, you know it will be hard already. Harder because there's always that other little one. Hurrying you up. Wanting to do something else. Get yourself a big basket and fill it with some favorite toys and maybe some new ones too.  Go to this basket when you are nursing. Get down on the floor. Sit next to baby 1 with your trusty nursing pillow. Get used to multi-tasking. I have walked through my house with a nursing baby on top of a "my breast friend" strapped around me more times than I can count. Also...remember how your house was a wreck when baby 1 was born? And you ate the same meals out of the freezer for a week to survive?  Yeah... Things are going to be a lot messier this time around. At 6 months in, I still don't know the last time my floors were washed. Lower your expectations!!  You are doing an important job just keeping your children alive. The dishes, the floors, the laundry can wait. Again, accept help when offered!  And meal planning is your friend. 

The days are going to fly, my friend. There is nothing like bringing a new baby home to make you realize just how big your first baby has grown. You will hold up a tiny sock and think "you used to fit in this sock.  Now look at you."  It goes so fast. So fast. 

I will not tell you to "enjoy every moment" because you won't. There will be tears and messes and pee flying through the air!  And stress!  And worry!  But, if you can, find some joy in every moment. Some reason to be proud or happy or even relieved! It will make life that much more fun. 

You are going to have such a good time. I cannot wait for my littles and your littles to become friends. 

Love you all!

P.S.  A few notes about boys... Yes, you will probably get peed on at some point. They will start playing with their parts MUCH sooner than you would have guessed. And they generally do. not. stop. moving.  Enjoy. :)

The birth story, Baby Zwei

I had a fairly good idea what I was getting into the second time around. Somehow, when it comes to labor, that did not make it any easier. Apparently, my body just likes to grow big babies and my cervix just does not like to cooperate. I was hoping for a VBAC, but ended up with another c-section. Here is the story of how Baby Zwei came into the world.

1/11. Busy bee today. Lost gobs of mucus plug (c'mon, this is the whole story!!). Cramping in back. Packed up all Christmas decorations. Made a couscous soup. Made a batch of chocolate raspberry scones and apple cinnamon muffins. Stripping cloth diapers. Wrapped the gifts for brothers to exchange. Dance parties and playdoh with Beck. And a 90 minute nap. Trying to get things going. Waiting, waiting.

1/12. More bloody show this morning. Tried to stay active doing laundry (stairs). A bit more cleaning. Sweeping floors. Etc. No major contractions anymore though. Went for a walk as a family before dinner. About 1 mile. Around 8 pm I started contracting about every ten minutes. Went to sleep around 11 pm.

1/13. 1 am. Awake and up for a potty break. Freezing. Still having contractions. Gonna try to get as much sleep as possible.

4 am. Still about 10 minutes apart. Restless.

5 am. Tell husband to turn off his alarm--he won't be going to work today. Head to the bathroom again to do some timing. It is weird, but the toilet is quite a comfy place to sit.

7 am. My Mom arrives to watch her grandson while we head to the hospital. I shower, finish packing my bag, and take one more belly picture with my first baby boy. Should have eaten but contractions 3-4 minutes apart and didn't want to anymore. Had some tea. Big mistake.

830 am. Contractions slowed to 5 minutes while en route. I am only 2 cm. Boo. Got an IV for antibiotics for group B Strep. Stuck in bed. Contractions quickly picked up intensity and I had a hard time not being able to move. Husband turned on my labor playlist and I did find myself singing and dancing along a bit. Contractions were torture. Nurse did not like that contractions were lasting up to three minutes!!! I held out as long as I could.

12 pm. Get an epidural and sweet relief. It also helped normalize my contractions. Now lasting 30 seconds to a minute each instead of three.

1230 pm. Baby's HR drops. Nurse calls a code on me. The whole floor of scrubs appears in my room. Panic. There is nothing scarier than when the experts think there is a reason to worry. Change positions. Normalizes. All is well. But now my BP is low. Meds to raise it. Checked again at a 3. Major boo. Given Tylenol for headache. Hooked up to BP cuff constantly now.

4 pm. Contractions are 2 minutes apart, lasting 1 minute and strong. Staying on one side for sake of baby's HR means one side gets more juice than the other. I am feeling the tightness of contractions. Surprised to find that my water may have broken on its own.

445 pm. Husband has been watching monitors and tattles that my cheeks are rosy and babes hr has been going up. Slight fever but also confirmed water break. Now a 6! Woohoo. Starving, but not allowed to eat. Ice chips are not filling. Convinced Chris to go get some dinner. My favorite nurse takes pity on me and brings me the best rocket Popsicle ever.

615 pm. Dr arrives. Breaks the rest of my water. She says I'm a 7. Slight meconium. But making progress.

640 pm. Headache. More Tylenol. Change positions and try sitting up for awhile to bring head down.

7 pm. Baby's HR slowing a bit. Scalp monitor placed. Dr Wong warns that slowing HR and head not descending are things they are watching closely. Also my water is a bit more bloody than they would like. Going to give me a bit more time to progress but if head stays high we will be off to the OR. This is all feeling very familiar.

815 pm. Still a 7 with no further head descent. 24 hours in, we decide it is time to have a baby. Once again, both my doctors are there. I joke that they just want to see how big this baby is. Surgery prep happens very quickly. That blue sheet comes up in front of my face and before I know they are even cutting, I feel the pull of a baby exiting my body.

919 pm. Keaton Elliot is born. 9 lbs even. 21 inches long. Cord wrapped around neck twice. And now I have my second due date baby.

10 pm. We are in recovery. Skin to skin. He latches easily. Looks like his brother. Dad heads to nursery for first bath and checks while I try to get warm and stop shaking from the drugs.

12 am. We are all back in our room. It is immediately apparent that while they do look alike, this baby is quite different from his brother. Nurses quickly, not very demanding of the boob, sleeping well. Whoa.

Spend the day trying to manage pain. Baby doing awesome. All blood sugars have been good. Nursing well according to lactation consultant. Gave us 3 wet and 1 dirty diaper--already progressing past meconium!! Gramma and grampa were first visitors. Also learned that apparently one of my ovaries was bleeding when they cut me open. Due to the traumas of labor. Interesting.

1/15. Big brother visits with Oma and Grandpa. Very emotional for me. I was not really sure that I would have kids and here I was with two boys. A family. I could not have been more proud. Brothers exchange gifts and kisses. After they leave, we have our celebratory meal.

1/16. We take advantage of the day in the hospital. Relaxing and eating all the meals I can. Watch some movies, take showers. And then...We go home!!

Things they never told you about having a second baby.

Just because you know what to expect from labor does not make it easier.

You will wonder, after a second unplanned c-section, if everything you are feeling is normal. Mostly because, just like everyone says you will, you have forgotten the bad stuff from the first time around. You will doubt you will ever feel normal again. (I am mostly there!)

You will wonder how you could possibly love *another* little person as much as you love your first. If you will love the new one in the same way. Yes and no. Your heart will grow, grinch-like, and you will love your new baby just as much, but differently, because they are a different person from your first.

You will also wonder if you did the right thing by having another, depriving your first of all your focus. That fear will be wiped clean the first time you witness your oldest kiss your baby on the head and say 'love you too.' Oh sure, he has also been squeezed too hard, unintentionally hit with things (and I am certain will also be hit intentionally at some point), and been told to go away, but that one kiss confirms that these kids will love each other. Like brothers should.

Your first illness as a whole household will make you question yourself again. Being sick and having to take care of two sick kids is the pits.

You will realize that newborns are EASY compared to toddlers. Seriously! Newborns do not need entertainment. They need to eat, sleep, and poop. Literally. When I had my first I remember being so overwhelmed. Now I am still overwhelmed, but I realize how portable the newbie is. Just haul him along! He (probably) will not complain.

You will stress a lot less about your second and that is a very good thing. Just go with the flow.

You will love and hate moments of your life and that is okay. You may wish for your children to just go away at times. Time will pass ridiculously slowly and ridiculously fast at the same time. And it will all be amazing.

Waiting game.

It has been a rough week around these parts.  I started seeing a chiropractor a couple weeks ago, to help with my pregnancy aches and pains.  It has been fantastic!  I really did not believe that it would make a difference, but I was desperate.  Wincing in pain every time I rolled over in bed was getting old fast.  Of course, by this time in my first pregnancy, I had already been sleeping in the recliner for several weeks just to avoid having to rollover in the first place.  But I like my bed, darnit!  So, off to the chiro.  And it has helped a ton, not completely, but a ton.  I am still physically exhausted by the simplest of tasks.  Grocery shopping nearly killed me this week.  Pushing a cart full of groceries plus a toddler through a snow covered parking lot did not help.

The early part of this week was impossibly cold.  Temperatures in the negative teens, with windchills up to minus 50 degrees.  Needless to say, Beckett and I did not get out much.  This did not help my mood much.  He is a great kid, he really is, but boy is he exhausting.  My patience is thin at this point.  There has been much movie watching.  It's the only way I can make it through the day!

Last night was a real challenge.  A late nap threw off our whole day and bedtime was a total struggle. By the time my husband and I got Beck to sleep it was nearly 9:45.  Far too late and I was so frustrated.  I cried.  I was thinking if we could not handle bedtime with one kid, what on Earth are we doing being days away from having another one?!  Things did not look much brighter when Beck came up to me with a handful of poop while I was preparing breakfast.  Lovely.  Sigh.

Thankfully, my mother-in-law was on the schedule to be over at the house today.  Despite the fact that I am now done working out of the house, I asked the grandmas to keep coming over on Fridays to give me a bit of hand with Beck.  They both happily agreed.  I could not get out of the house fast enough today.

And so I sit, with a steaming cup of hot tea and a nearly devoured banana muffin, in the cafe of Barnes and Noble.  I just got a haircut.  I am not sure I love it, I have real bangs again for the first time in a long while, but it felt good to do something for myself.    And just being out of the house for awhile feels good too.  Who knows when I will get the chance to be alone again!

The waiting has begun.  I am due next week.  Of course my doctors are eager to see me deliver asap.  We are technically prepared, but I am not sure that we are ready.  Is anyone ever?  I lost a bit of my mucus plug this morning (whoa there!) and am having some mild cramping in my back.  Could mean something, could mean nothing.  Such is the fun of waiting to go into labor.  It is supposed to be a busy weekend, full of dinners with family and friends.  We will see what happens.  Right now, that is all I can do.  Wait.

Baby Eins: Two Years.

Dear Beck,

This week we celebrated your second birthday.  How is that even possible?  On your actual birthday, your dada took the day off work and the three of us had a great time together.  We had a yummy breakfast, including a rare treat for you: toaster strudel.  Then it was off to the Mariano's bakery, where you pointed out the cake in the display that you wanted to consume.  Next, we paid your pediatrician a visit and she confirmed how awesome and healthy you are.  You did not love being at the doctor...I think our recent ER and specialists visits for your foot have given you a bit of white coat anxiety. Not that I blame you. You got two shots as well, but calmed down quickly when we mentioned our next destination.  The pool!  We went to the park district swimming pool, which you and I have started frequenting. You were so excited "swimming, swimming, swimming..."  It was dada's first time at this pool.  We all got changed and walked up to pay for our time.  The pool was empty, but it was 20* outside so that was no real surprise.  Well, it turned out that mama read the schedule wrong and the kid's pool was not actually open during that time, only the lap pool. Thankfully, there are still some kind souls in the world and when they heard why we were there, they opened the pool and turned everything on just for YOU.  I am certain you had no idea what I was saying, but when I told you this your mouth dropped open in a big smile.  Priceless.  We played and "ah-boomed" (for when we lift you in and out of the water quickly with lots of splashing) for about 30 minutes or so.  You have recently discovered how much fun inner tubes are and are becoming quite bold about walking out into deeper water.  And yes, you fell and went completely underwater three or four times.  This surprised you, but you just kept going.  Bold.  After that it was home for a quick lunch and then to nap because you were wasted.  And so was mama.  :)  You slept for just over three hours, kiddo.  And I may have caught a few winks myself during that time.  

After we all woke up, it was time for a quick snack and then we took Lita for a walk.  You spoke with lots of family while I made your birthday dinner of macaroni and cheese, hot dogs, and fish sticks.  Live large, little man.  Then it was finally time for cake!  The candles mesmerized you.  I cut you a slice of your selection and placed it in front of you.  That first bite elicited the most awesome of responses,,,  an "mmm...yum.." with a little giggle in there.  So adorable.  And can we talk about that cake for a moment?  The cake you pointed at in the case was the "Signature Cake". It was covered in chocolate ganache, but that is all we knew.  Turned out that the inside was chocolate cakes, with a layer of chocolate buttercream, a layer of cheesecake, and a layer of cherry filling.  Wow.  I never would have selected something like that, but it was delicious.  Good choice.  Finally, you got your gift from us... A talking minion from Despicable Me.  "Tim" was a big surprise to you and you spent the rest of the night chatting and snuggling with him.  

All of this comes after the fact that we had a party to celebrate with family two weeks ago. It was minion themed and you had an awesome time!  I always worry that these events will overwhelm you, but you have done quite well with them. You had a great time playing with your cousins, eating some of the breakfast catering that we had, opening your gifts, and, of course, devouring a minion cupcake.  :)  Some pretty severe storms rolled through our area while we were busy celebrating you.  We got very high winds, lots of rain and even some hail.  There were also lots of tornadoes further south, but we all stayed safe.  

You have been quite the cuddler lately, wanting to give lots of hugs and kisses.  I will never say no.  You have also been quite impressive at large family gatherings, including your birthday, socializing with everyone.  Although your Uncle Dan still scares you a bit for some reason.  I would like to think that the fact that you are so secure has something to do with your parenting, but maybe that is just you.  Either way, you are pretty darn awesome.  We still have our moments of course.  You are wanting to be carried a ton lately and I cannot always accommodate that request.  My belly cannot accommodate that request.  :)  Your "up?"s and "pweese?"s kill me.  I know you just want to be close.  

Your dada and I love you so much, pumpkin.  I am going to have to stop calling you "baby" pretty soon because you will be a big brother soon enough.  But, you will always be MY baby.  

Hugs and kisses, mama

The Kids: Eins: 22 months and Zwei: 24 weeks.

Dear Kiddos,

it has been a pretty big month around here.

Beck, all of your baby teeth are finally in!!!!  FINALLY!!!  Hallelujah!!!  It took 4 months for those "two-year molars" to come in and that last one was just hanging on for the longest time.  They are finally here.  We brush your teeth before bed every night and you have started brushing your teeth yourself while we get ready in the morning as well.

Another huge milestone has been reached in the past month: you are no longer breastfeeding.  As I hoped would happen, you dropped the last two feeds after your teeth finished coming in.  The morning feed went first and we were just nursing before bed.  As it turned out, you nursed for the last time on my birthday.  If I had known then that it would be our last session, I might have paid a bit more attention.  Enjoyed you looking up at me.  Smiling as I rolled your pacifier down my chest.  Reaching up and playing with the skin tag on my shoulder (lovely habit).  Just recognized how far we have come.  I am so proud of the fact that we made it so long.  I am so proud of the fact that you got to choose when you were done.  I had no idea that the end would be so bittersweet.  I was looking forward to it and yet it made me very sad at the same time.  You are no longer a baby.  21 months and 14 days.  Wow.  I never expected to go that long.  I have tried to give you both cow's milk and almond milk since then, but you are not a fan.  Maybe in time, no rush, just like everything else. 


And yes, we celebrated my birthday.  We had a little dinner, just the three of us.  It was quiet and wonderful.  :)

The final milestone for your month was your first ER visit and cast.  Yay.  Not really.  There was an incident with your push trike this week.  You put your feet down while I was pushing you and your left foot got jammed under the footrest.  It has happened before, unfortunately.  Unlike some of the previous instances though, this time you did not react at all.  We made it the rest of the way home, you walked in the house and ran around and danced while I prepared dinner.  When it came time to get out of your highchair though, you would not put any weight on your foot.  It took your dad and I awhile to even figure out what could have happened!  We iced it for awhile, but you were still obviously in pain.  So, off to the ER we went.  You were so brave, little man.  It was already close to your bed time and we would be there until well past it, but you did not sleep a wink.  You wanted to watch everything.  We were shuffled from room to room, you had 2 sets of x-rays (the worst part because mommy could not go in the room with you.  I HATED standing in the hallway and hearing you crying.), saw several very nice medical staff members, but we were given no conclusions.  No visible fractures, but you were not tolerating weight or manipulation of that foot.  It was decided to treat it as a break, you were put in an over-the-knee splint, and we would follow-up with the ortho.  Daytime was okay because Oma came around to back me up, but you were miserable trying to sleep in that splint.  You just could not get comfortable and I cannot say that I blame you.  We saw the ortho yesterday and while he could not see a visible fracture either, you were still swollen and tender.  He made the decision to put you in a cast and recheck you in a week.  Thankfully, it is a short walking cast, below-the-knee, and you are already walking around on it like nothing!  And we are all sleeping much better.  :)  I sure am feeling guilty for hurting you though.  Hopefully, you will be all better in one week!

Meanwhile, Baby Zwei, you are charging right along.  Shortly I will be in the third trimester.  Where oh where has the time gone?  I feel like I am getting enormous, but I have not gained that much weight.  My belly just likes to get big, apparently.  At my last OB appointment at 24 weeks, 4 days, I was measuring 30 cm.  Whoa.  We had your follow-up level two ultrasound the week previous and the fancy devices are estimating you at 1 pound, 6 ounces, putting you in the 64th percentile.  You are not enormous, why am I?!  You looked perfect.  The doctor said that it looks like the suspicious spot is resolving on its own, but they do still want to keep an eye on things.  Make sure that it disappears completely and that you keep growing like you should.  A little irritating because I really just wanted to hear "everything looks good, buh-bye now!", but if it means I get to see you more I guess I will not complain. 

Love you kids, momma

Baby Eins: 20 months.

Dear Beck,

you are 20 months old now.  Where the heck is the time going?! 

Guess what???  You are going to be a big brother!!!  I know that will be an adjustment for you (and for all of us, really), but I think you will love it.  You really enjoy interacting with other kids right now, but I think it will be hard for you to share mom and dad.  You will make it through your second birthday and Christmas as an "only" and then you will become "the oldest."  Whoa.

I am certain that a TON has happened in the last two months, but Momma's memory is awful these days, little man.  Just awful.  So here is what I remember...

~We took our first trip to The Great North.  You and I both had a cold, but you loved every minute of it.  Loved being outside (despite the mosquitoes and ticks, ewww!), loved riding in the boat, and loved playing with Oma and grandpa.  Maybe next year you will catch your first fish.
~Still one nap a day, around 11.  Bedtime is at 8.  You have recently started waking early...  5:30, 5:15, as early as 4:30!  We are hoping this settles down once your teeth are done...
~Speaking of teeth, you have 18 now... 2 of your 2-year molars are in and we are just waiting on those last two!  They are ever so slowly working their way out.  We are so over teeth.
~Animal sounds--moo, quack, oink, neigh, woof, meow
~"Hi" "Mama (in context!)" and, finally, "dada"
~Signing more, milk, all done and please. 
~Letting us know when you need a diaper change.
~Letting us know when it is time for a nap or bed.
~Shaking your head (Uh-uh) and nodding (mm-hmm).
~You went through a week of hating bathtime (???), but now are back in love.
~Nursing twice a day still... at bedtime and early morning.  I think you might drop these when those teeth are done too, we shall see.
~Loving your Monster Jams monster trucks.  And play-doh.  And books.   And puzzles.   And going to the library.
~Bringing your dirty dishes to the dishwasher, your cup to the dispenser to be filled, and throwing trash in the garbage.
~Starting to really enjoy exploring the playground and even going down slides!!! 
~No official recent weight, but the scale at home says 26 pounds.
~Still wearing some 18 month clothes, but some bigger sizes as well. 

In general, you are a pretty happy kid.  You are the little boy at the library who always gives his toys away.  You seem fascinated by babies and other kids in general.  You love to be outside, you even like the rain.  But do not want to step in puddles... I am imagining that this will change.  :)

You still begin most nights in your crib and then come to bed with us when you wake-up.  Recently that has been around 10 pm, as you have been teething *and* ill.  We all get more sleep that way.  Our bedtime routine has not changed in a long time...  Nurse and story in the rocker, change into jams, brush teeth.  You turn out the lights and wave goodnight to the baby (a photo of you) in the hall.  Kisses.  Sing one or two songs in the rocker while we watch the star lights, then you go into your crib.  We sit with you until you drift off.  Normally, it only takes a few minutes.

I am so proud of the progress that we have made.  I recognize that in a few short months I will be starting all over again and I hope that I can be as patient with your brother or sister as I was with you. 

Love you, momma

Baby Zwei: Spinning (AKA The Phone Call)

This is the post I wrote shortly after hearing from the doctor.  I almost did not post it, but am doing so just because it is a part of this journey now.  See the update here.

Dear Baby zwei,

yesterday was a very good day.  Your daddy was working from home so we were all hanging out together.  Your brother was getting a reprieve from his teething agony and was in a good mood all day.  I even heard him yell "nein!" from the other room when he heard me saying "no!" to Lita.  That kid cracks me up.  We had a great dinner and Beckett and daddy had a fun bath time, which was a welcome change after the last several angry baths.  I was on bedtime duty and was singing your brother his lullabies after reading him a story when the phone rang.  Frustrated that someone would call during bedtime, I rejected the call and finished putting Beck to bed.  He drifted off peacefully and I tip-toed out.

Mystery caller had left a voicemail.  It was my doctor.  Calling at 8:15 at night.  And telling me to page her.

My heart jumped to my throat.  Surely this could not be good news.

I called the office and had Dr. Kim paged through the service.  She was at the hospital and returned my call nearly immediately.  She was reporting back on our NT scan and first trimester screen.  Your ultrasound was perfect and all looked well.  But my bloodwork came back slightly abnormal.  The doctor reported that instead of the usual less than 1 in 250 chance for a chromosomal abnormality that would result in Down Syndrome, our results had the odds of 1 in 68.  Baby, those are still very good odds, but I would be lying if I said that this news did not rock my world.  Your dad entered the room just as I was getting off the phone.  He took one look at my scribbled notes... "trisomy, amnio, harmony blood test, pregnancy loss, 1:68"... and just sat on the bed.  He held me while I cried harder than I have cried in a long time.  I cried until I could not breathe.  Until no more tears would come.  And I had not even told him what was happening.

When I finally stopped, I told him what the doctor had told me.  He listened.  He was quiet a moment.  And then he asked me what my gut said.  He put his hand on my growing belly and said that he believed that you were fine.  And I want to believe that so badly, my sweet little one, I do.  But mommy is not very good at remaining optimistic sometimes.  *sigh*

So, instead of falling asleep peacefully and reveling in the fact that we had a good day... I spent time googling scary topics on my ipad.  Wondering about what could be.  Trying to decide what to do.  Your dad sat next to me doing the same.

The doctor had suggested doing either an amniocentesis or a blood test called Harmony.  The amnio comes with risks of its own, but results are quick.  Harmony is just another blood test for me, totally non-invasive and therefore no risk to you, but the results are much slower.  We decided to do the blood test and I will be heading to the office after work today for the draw.  Then we will wait the agonizing 8-10 days to see what is in store.  I do not know that anything would change, but I need to know now.  I need to know. 

As I finally settled down to sleep, much later than usual, much later than I should have, my mind was racing.  I felt lost, confused, afraid, angry.  I did NOT want to be thinking about these things.  Was it not bad enough that I was stressing out about handling two kids already?  But, for some reason, I put my hand on my belly as I closed my eyes.  I immediately felt you.  I felt you moving in there.  I had felt little thumps already, but not like this.  I felt like maybe you were trying to tell me that it would all be okay.  That you were okay.

The logical side of my brain knows that a 1:68 chance means that 67 out of 68 times, everything is fine.  The logical side of my brain knows that that chance is even higher because there is a 5% false positive rate on these screens.  And they are just screens.  Just odds on a piece of paper.  Not diagnostic tests.  The other side of my brain...  well, it scares me.  

I sincerely hope that in a few short weeks (or less) we will find out that all this worry was for naught.  For now, we wait.

Love, momma

May 14, 2013: Baby Zwei: Hello!

So!  Now that the "big secret" is out, I can share all the drafts that I have saved.  Fair warning that there will be one more drama-filled post that I wrote immediately following The Phone Call.  It all seems blown out of proportion now.  I mean, 1 in 68, no big, right?  But I assure, those odds are far more ominous when it is YOU that are facing them.  

Dear Baby Zwei,

It was two days after Mother's Day when we found out about you.  I had been suspicious for a couple days, but between your dad's birthday, Mother's Day, and spending a day with Oma, I did not have time to get any answers.  It was a Tuesday evening when I took the test.  Your dad had just come home from work, we were dropping my car off to be repaired, your brother was in his usual pre-dinner fussy phase.  I needed to just get away for a moment.  Little did I know how much that moment would change our future.

The test was positive.  Blaringly so.  Not a doubt.

Whoa.

Your dad and I had discussed the possibility of having another baby in the not so distant future, but I was so not prepared for this.  I cried, Baby.  Not because I was sad, but because I was so scared.  Scared for you.  Scared for your brother.  Scared that I could not, *would not* be a good enough momma for both of you.  Scared because those early days are hard, Baby.  On everyone.  Your dad just smiled at me.  He reminded me that we wanted this.  We DO want this.  *I* do want this.  And I know that somehow, someway, it will all be alright. 

I am already getting excited at the thought of watching you and your brother grow-up together.  I truly feel like giving Beck a sibling is a wonderful gift.

It will be awhile still before I go to the doctor.  For right now, your dad and I are the only ones that know, but I am not sure how long my belly will keep our secret.  It is going to be a very interesting year, little one.

Love, momma

8 business days.

This is not really how I intended to announce, but that is how life goes sometimes.  I thought about just erasing this draft and starting all over, but that felt fake too.  So, here goes...

Day 0.  Thursday.  My appointment was scheduled for 4:45.  I left work early to make it on time.  There were three others in the waiting area with me.  They were all called in, one by one.  Minutes ticked by.  I browsed magazines.  I played sudoku on my phone.  I messaged with my husband. Waiting, waiting.  I only needed to see a phlebotomist, not the doctor.   And yet, everyone else got called before me.  5:30.  My doctor appeared in the doorway and said it would just be a moment longer, but I could come back and ask any questions I had.  I wandered back in to one of the familiar rooms.  Did I have questions?  Yes, lots.  But I was not sure how many of them were appropriate right then.  So I asked the easy ones.  I asked for numbers and was given a printout.  I asked if we would be given an answer and was told "yes, with 99% accuracy."  Most of the time I would take 99%. The doctor left.  Waiting, waiting.  The phlebotomist finally came in.  I chose the other arm this time.  Tight, tight, impossibly tight tourniquet.  Two large vials of blood to collect.  It was like she was trying to squeeze it out of me.  "I want to get these as full as possible," she said.  I only nodded, my hand was going numb.  Finally, done.  Band-aid. "We'll call you soon."  Not soon enough.

Rewind.

Day -1.  Wednesday.  It was a good day.  I do not remember the details now, it was a Wednesday, I was home with Beck all day.  He had his first non-angry bath in a couple days.  I had finally announced to the rest of our friends and family on Facebook that we were expecting.  I had read Beck his story and was singing him his lullabies when the phone started ringing.  I did not recognize the number and chose to ignore it to finish putting him to bed.  I put Beck in his crib after his songs and sat quietly while he drifted off to sleep.  Then I snuck into my bedroom to investigate the mystery call.  There was a voicemail.  I listened, I returned the call.  The conversation that took place on the phone and immediately thereafter is detailed in a separate post (here) so I will not repeat it all here.  The short version is that the bloodwork from my NT scan on Monday had come back abnormal.  The projected risk for our baby to have Down Syndrome was calculated at 1:68.  I am choosing my words very carefully... projected risk.  My numbers were put into a calculator and these are the odds we were given.  It is a small chance, but still a chance.  And it was something that made me feel very lost, confused, worried, upset.  Sent me searching for answers, where there are none to be found.  I cried myself to sleep that night and did not share my first definite recognition of a little being thumping in my belly with my husband.

Fast forward.

Day 1.  Friday.  I had my blood drawn the day before and was told that it would be 8-10 business days for the results.  Results that I realize now would not *change* anything... but would at least provide an answer.  We hoped.  I had work that day, so was mostly able to stay distracted.  But there were occasional google searches...  "first trimester screen abnormal," "high hcg in pregnancy," "low papp-a in pregnancy," "nt scan and downs risk."  Some info was comforting, some was terrifying.  And so it goes with Dr. Google.

Saturday and Sunday passed in a blur.  I worked on Saturday as well and mainly kept busy, but now I found myself looking at other kinds of websites.  "Down Syndrome Pregnancy."  "Life with Down Syndrome."  "National Down Syndrome Society."  I learned a lot.  I quickly came to the realization that things were not as bleak as I had imagined.  Most children born with Downs do experience some degree of developmental delay, but are perfectly normal kids.  Many of them are able to attend regular schools (with the assistance of tutors) and even hold down jobs.  And the one thing that I was constantly reading about is how their parents describe them as the happiest children they have ever known.  But there were also physical defects to think about.  Heart defects are the most common, often requiring one or multiple surgeries to repair.  There is a higher chance of hearing issues.  And a somewhat increased risk of developing leukemia.  This was a lot to process.  My husband was remaining quiet on the subject after our initial conversation.  I assumed that he was not thinking about it, was waiting for the test results, was doing just fine in "hoping for the best."

Day 2.  Monday.  Back to the usual routine.  Grocery shopping with Beck and mom.  Working through nap time on my part-time-from-home job.  Still the occasional googling.  Now I scoured message boards on babycenter.  "Down Syndrome Pregnancy."  "Prenatal Testing."  "Poor Prenatal Prognosis."  There were so many stories similar to mine.  So many woman waiting and wondering.  Mostly just wanting to know.  I was floundering.  I asked myself questions that I did not want to consider.  I did not want to be thinking about any of this!  I just wanted to be enjoying my pregnancy.  I wanted to be happy and excited!  I felt like my life had been put on pause.

Finally, my husband and I spoke about it all.  He asked me what was bothering me that evening after Beck was asleep and I just looked at him and exclaimed "How could you *not* know what is bothering me?"  We discussed a lot of things that night.  How scared I was, how worried I was about how having a special needs child would affect our family (immediate and extended).  How I was not sure I could handle it all.  Would we have real lives anymore?  How would it affect Beckett?  Surely this would change everything!  "Yes," he said, "just like any new baby would."  Would I be able to see past a genetic mistake and LOVE my child?  That last one sounds so cruel...  But I am a scientist.  I know that Trisomys are a result of a fluke in cell division, a "mistake."  My husband stopped me there.  He knew where I was coming from, from the scientist perspective, but he was very firm in saying that this baby was no mistake.  And I understand where HE is coming from there... we definitely wanted this child.  Finally, the toughest questions of all.  What would we do if the test came back positive?  Did we still want this baby?  Trisomy 21 is the best case scenario when it comes to Trisomys.  Most people consider Trisomy 13 or 18 "incompatible with life."  Lovely phrasing there.  I do not believe that I am mentally or emotionally capable of carrying a baby to term only to have it be stillborn or to watch that baby die in my arms.  Trisomy 21 though... that is a whole 'nother ballgame.  Estimates vary as to how many pregnancies are terminated as a result of a T21 diagnosis.  Anyway, my husband asked me what I would want to do and I answered quite honestly that I did not know.  He took a moment, then looked at me very sincerely and said that this was our baby.  A baby we wanted.  A baby that will need love and care just like Beckett did.  Just like our broken dog did.  And we can handle it.  We can handle anything.  And yes, there were a heck of a lot more tears in there as well.  But, somehow, just getting all these thoughts out; these scary, horrible, guilt-inducing thoughts, that no one should ever have to think about during their pregnancy, made me feel better.  I even started to believe him.  And I actually slept well that night.

Day 3.  Tuesday.  I somehow felt more at peace.  No matter what happened, I knew I had my husband and that we really could deal with anything.  I found joy in small things.  There was still some worry, some "what ifs," and googling.  But, mostly, I was okay.  We went to bed early that night, but did not talk... 

Day 4.  Wednesday.  One week later, for the first time since receiving The Phone Call, I felt little kicks from my baby.  My baby.

Day 5.  Thursday.  A work day.  A bit of an escape, but the petty problems seemed so trivial.  Maybe that is a good thing.  Perspective.  I found myself wondering how we would tell our families and found myself considering making a video similar to the one we used to announce our first pregnancy.  It is very strange the things you will find yourself thinking about.

Day 6.  Friday.  Back to work.  Started posting on some of the babycenter boards just to help pass the time.  It always helps to know that other have gone through the same thing or are currently going through it with you.  I am not alone. 

Saturday and Sunday, again passed in a blur.  We had a rare Beck-free day on Saturday.  Being the party animals that we are, we spent it cleaning and reorganizing the house.  And we saw Despicable Me 2.

Day 7. Monday, again. I could not help but feel an impending sense of doom. Terrible truths, but we were reaching the point when the phone could ring at any moment and tell us news that would change our worlds. I felt a sense of peace at the same time, almost expecting it now. I really just needed to know. During the daily routine there are so many moments that pass, that just for a second you imagine how that moment will go when there are 2 kiddos instead of 1 present. I needed to be able to picture things. To have an idea of what was coming my way. Whatever it was, we would handle it, but I needed to KNOW. To prepare. To change my expectations.

Day 8. Tuesday. The day began at 4:30 am. Someday, these molars will be out and my first born will sleep again, until then we all suffer. I made some very unsatisfying decaf coffee and was in a wretched mood. Thankfully, a trip to the park in the morning made us both feel better. We came home, had a snack, and proceeded to take a much needed 2 and a half hour nap. Lovely. Then it was lunch, errands, playing outside some more. We were actually having a wonderful day afterall. At 4:15, the phone rang. It was a number I recognized. My first thought was "it's still offic hours, this could not be my doctor." It was not my doctor, it was one of the nurses. "Your Harmony bloodwork came back with the lowest possible risk." Oh what fantastic words those were! I asked a couple questions, but really had the information that I needed most of all. I waited until my husband was home to tell him the news. I would be lying if I did not admit that we were both hugely relieved. I felt like I could breathe again. Like I could stop trying to ignore the fact that I was pregnant. Like I no longer had to cringe whenever anyone asked about or mentioned my pregnancy. I did not know what to say! So I tried to not think about it at all. But now I knew. I finally knew. My baby had "typical chromosomes."

I have learned a lot over the course of the last 14 days. I think that I can handle a lot more than I give myself credit for. I have learned a lot more about Down Syndrome and what it means. I have learned that a lot of the assumptions that I had about Downs are simply not true. Sometime in the not so far off future, I hope to start volunteering some of my time in some way or another. There are several buddy groups that I came across. I think it would be great to get the kids exposed to kids who are different from them at a young age. There are still always plenty of things to worry about. You could spend your whole life worrying. I guess I will always have a small bit of worry until I am holding this new baby in my arms. I hope I am done worrying for awhile, I am looking forward to enjoying this pregnancy from here on out. But I definitely know that I will never look at another person with Down Syndrome in the same way.

Everyday I'm toddlin'.

Uh-oh.  I think I officially have a toddler on my hands. 

My little man took his first four very zombie-like steps on Wednesday while we were at the library.  He was so happy to be crawling around, playing with new toys, seeing other kids.  We were taking a break, sitting on a bench together for a moment.  He wanted down so I lifted him down.  He stood there a second, smiled and giggled a bit and then took four steps away from me before plopping down on that fluffy tush.  I think I let my surprise get the better of me a bit because I heard myself saying "What are you doing, you silly?!"  Obviously it was a bit louder than I thought because once he was sitting I looked around and two other moms were staring at me.  I had to explain that those were his first unassisted steps.  :)  Meanwhile, B was so proud he was sitting there clapping.  What a character.  I was so happy to witness those first steps!  If only dad could have been there too. 

Dad got his chance to witness some wobbly steps too since he was home with B yesterday while I was at work.  My husband reported frequently throughout the day that B was taking a few steps here and there before falling into his arms.  Quite the game he had discovered. 

Then, this morning...  THIS....

Sorry about the squeaky mommy voice. 

We are in trouble. 

Dogs and kids.

I have been thinking about writing a post about this for awhile now. It is something that I consider extremely important and, oftentimes, extremely overlooked. I am talking about dog and child safety.

When I first started writing this blog, a lot of the posts focused on my dog, Lita.
As with any shelter dog, she came with baggage. We had no idea of her experiences before she came to live with us. When we brought her home I started doing a lot of research into training methods to help her. We worked with an excellent trainer for a long time. We have made a great deal of progress with Lita. And have worked very hard to get here. When I learned that I was pregnant, I was overjoyed. But also a little nervous. Nervous about how our dog would react. Does that sound crazy?

My dog is not my baby, but she a part of my family. She trusts me. I have worked hard to earn that trust. She trusts that when I am with her she is safe and I will not put her in an unsafe situation. I will not ask her to do something that she cannot handle. I knew when I learned that I was pregnant, that we would have to work hard to maintain that trust. I knew that I would expect my child to respect Lita and to have boundaries when it comes to interactions with her. I knew that for both of their safeties, they would not be left unsupervised together. Ever.

We have all seen pictures in a forwarded email or shared on Facebook of a dog with a baby propped next to them. Or maybe it's a smiling child, giving a dog a hug. The dog is sitting there with eyes carefully averted away from the small hands. Maybe its ears are back. Or its feet are tense. Subtle, subtle cues. Indicating that all is not well. Before I knew enough to detect those cues, I used to think those photos were cute too. Alternatively, maybe you have heard a friend or family member say proudly "Those kids can do anything to that dog!" Again, I used to think that was a good thing.

Now, as a relatively knowledgable dog owner AND as a parent, those things make me cringe.

I believe that it is children that need to be taught to interact properly with animals and not the other way around. They should learn that it is not okay to pull a dog's ears or tail. To pet them gently. That most dogs do not like hugs. To leave them alone while they are eating and when they are in their bed. A dog needs a safe place where they can escape. Obviously, very small children cannot understand the rules. It falls on the parents to enforce them. These rules are all in place in our house. They may seem extreme to some. Those same people that say 'my kids can do anything to our dog.' There are two problems with this scenario.

1) Are you sure your dog is okay with what it happening? Have you really watched? Have you watched the eyes, ears, tail, toes? One concept that I learned from my training experience with my own dog is the idea of The Bank. All positive experiences add to The Bank, while negative ones take away. You want to keep adding to The Bank, so, when you least expect it, and you are in a bad situation, your dog will have something to draw on. To allow YOU make a choice for him. When The Bank is empty, the dog is forced to make a choice. Not all dogs will reach a breaking point in their tolerance levels, but many will. Those negative interactions with kids subtract from The Bank. The dog is also learning that interactions with the kids mean uncomfortable things and no one will stop it. Kids become a scary thing. Does he continue to just sit there and take it or stop it himself? The key to peaceful family interactions is not having to put your dog in the situation to make that decision in the first place. If every situation is monitored and only good things happen during those interactions, then, should it ever be needed!, The Bank will be good and full and while your dog may get surprised by an random negative encounter, he will not feel a need to make a decision.

2) Kids generalize. If they treat their own dog in a certain way, giving hugs for example, they will think that they can hug all dogs. Wow. I cannot tell you how many kids have come up to my dog and just stuck their hands in her face or tried to hug her. And I cannot emphasize enough how dangerous this is!! Some dogs just are not around kids a lot and can be afraid of them. After all, kids are noisy and unpredictable and may be at the perfect height to look a dog in the eye. Some dogs have already had bad experiences with kids. Either way, you just cannot know. Children (or parents!) should ALWAYS ask before petting an unknown dog. And they should be taught proper dog manners--do not reach over their head, let them come to you, etc.

I am hopeful that my son will grow up with a proper respect for our dog and for animals in general. As he gets older, I plan to give him added responsibility when it comes to Lita. He will be able to feed her and let her outside. For now, I will continue to monitor interactions, making them as positive as possible for both of them!

Survival mode (13 months).

Thirteen months. This started off as a typical letter, but that changed when I broke down in tears a bit ago. It is almost 9 pm here, well past Beck's usual bedtime, but the Holiday Plague is upon us, so we are being a bit more lenient. Beck started getting sick on Christmas Day and by the 26th we were in full-blown survival mode. Take your "schedule" (I use the term loosely because we have a routine, but not a locked down schedule) and chuck it out the window. We are practically back in the newborn days... Naps whenever, food whenever, nighttime sleep wherever. Tons of fun. And snot. Good times.

Anyway, since the kiddo has been not really sleeping anyway, we gave up on the concept of even using the crib at all the last couple days. Camping out at night on the sofas and sneaking in zzzs when we could. Tonight we decided to just head up into our bed. I have spent nearly an hour trying to get this kid to sleep, to no avail. He is fighting it so hard. Completely exhausted, but will not close those eyes.

So, tonight, I am feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed as a momma. And that quickly spirals into feeling overwhelmed with everything else in life. Will we all ever sleep again? Will I ever catch up on laundry or the dishes? Will I ever have time to spend with my husband again? Will I ever get time to myself again? Of course, the answers to all of these questions is yes. But it is so darn easy to get caught up in one issue, whatever that issue happens to be, and think that this is the way things will always be, forever and ever.

I know that someday Beck will no longer need us for pretty much any reason. But that is hard to remember when he is sick and has needed me for pretty much every single moment of the last 3 days. I feel so awful for him, of course. Watching those little eyes water, his nose run, so obviously uncomfortable... I would take on the sickness myself if I could.

For now, I am just hoping to get through another night. And then another morning. Another afternoon and evening. Another day. And then however many more days it takes before this kid is well. And trying to remember that it IS true, this too shall pass, just like everything else has before it. And then something new will pop up, just like it always does as well. Such is life. Perhaps what I still need to realize as a parent is that we are always in survival mode. What works one day, may not work tomorrow. We are constantly adapting. How completely frustrating for a scientist.

12 months as a parent.

I would  love to say that my time served so far means that I have it all figured out.  Truth is, I do not. And at this point I kind of think that any parent that tells you they do, or even acts like they do, is bluffing big time.  But maybe that is how we learn to survive.

This has been one of the most challenging years of my life.  The sleep deprivation is rough.  Really rough.  You expect it in the newborn days.  You get used to it even!  Somehow remaining functional on mere hours of sleep that have been dished out in fragments.  I did not realize that what is even harder is when you reach the point of actually getting some good sleep for awhile, only to have it taken away again.  There have been incredibly frustrating nights.  Nights of tears for myself and Beck.  When I wonder what has gone wrong; why does he refuse to sleep?  The fact is I tell myself often that there is no reason, but there really always seems to be one.  I just cannot always figure out what it is right away.  Maybe he is getting sick.  Or maybe it is because he has just figured out how to crawl or is about to start pulling up on things.  Maybe his gums are swollen and covered in blisters because his molars are forcing their way through his jaw.  Good times.  He is not trying to torture us, but sometimes that is hard to remember at 2 am.  Or even 11 pm, when I just want sleep for all of our sakes.  It is hard too because your day becomes so regimented.  Plans are made around naps and meals.  But that is not really a problem for me.  I like schedules.  It is hard to have very few moments of time to yourself.  For me, at least.  Sometimes, it is a battle just to get to go to the bathroom alone. Every little chore or task becomes infinitely more difficult.  Can I take the baby with me to sort laundry in the basement?  Do I put him in his pack and play?  Is it worth the time alone for the possible screaming?  Are these toys entertaining enough?  There really is stress around every corner with a baby.  Illness.  Teeth.  Is he eating enough?  Sleeping enough?  Pooping enough?  It is enough to drive a person crazy.  I have had to learn to relax and go with the flow a lot more.  It is amazing what a little change in perspective/expectations can do for a person.

Thankfully, this has also been one of the most rewarding years of my life.  I have had the luxury of staying home with my little guy 3 days a week and working 2.  That is truly a blessing.  I have thoroughly enjoyed watching him grow and change and am excited to say that so far I have not missed any firsts!  This kid amazes me.  We have games we play and songs we sing that he actually recognizes.  He can anticipate what comes next.  He can mimic us.  He is so curious.  He likes to look at books.  He is starting to try to stack things and put them away instead of just knocking things down and taking things out.  And the love.  It is overwhelming.  The worst day can fade away with just a smile or a wave or a giggle.  And to see him toddle my way to offer a kiss or a hug.  It kills.  I really would do anything for this kid.  Including not sleeping, ha!

And so I shall continue to go with the flow.  When my child needs me, even if it is at 2 am, I will be there.  Sooner than I think he will no longer need me at all.  If this first year has gone so fast, I cannot imagine how fast the rest of them will go.  It has been awesome. And there's so much more to come.

Still working on it.

Oh man, am I having a guilty mommy day. 

My husband has been away on business the last two nights.  Night one went relatively smoothly.  The bath was a bit touch and go, but we survived.  I got a few hours of downtime to watch some mindless TV before heading to bed myself.  We had one feeding as usual and the kid went right back to sleep.  Doing good. 

Yesterday morning I managed to get up and get ready without an extra set of hands juggling the kiddo.  This was a bigger accomplishment than usual because it was a work day for me.  I prepped lunches the night before, made sure laundry and everything was ready to go.  I was feeling good!  I showered, breakfasted both of us, and got myself through the rest of my "going to work" morning routine BEFORE the babysitter (read: grandma) arrived!  Impressive. 

I should have known things would go to hell quickly.

Last night was awful.  Truly.  B went to bed at 8 like usual.  I rushed around doing my chores, getting things ready for today.  At 9 o'clock the crying started.  I went up to comfort and B quickly fell back asleep in my arms.  But I could NOT put him back in the crib.  It was one of those nights where it seems like your bundle of joy has a button on their back.  As soon as the button touches the crib mattress the screaming begins.   I struggled for 45 minutes or so before giving up.  Trotted back downstairs, let the dog outside one last time, and then brought my angry munchkin into bed with me.  He fell asleep relatively quickly.  But.  Then 11:30, 12:30, 2, 3:30, 4:30...  screaming.  Writhing.  Anger.  Nothing I did helped.  I could tell B wanted so badly to be sleeping.  He just could not get there.  Ibuprofen.  Singing.  Bouncing.  Rocking.  None of it seemed to matter.  I was tired and alone and frustrated.  And there may have been questions like "what do you want?!"  And exclamations of "Just please stop."  And hot tears rolling down both our faces. 

And now I feel bad.  Awful even.  That my little munchkin was obviously in pain and I should have just snuggled him up and held him and sang and not worried about it.  But all I could think was "Ohmigosh!  STOP IT!  I only have 6 or 4 or 2 or 1 hour before I need to get up for work." 

This mom gig is hard sometimes.  I am used to being so independent.  It is hard to get your brain to switch gears and to recognize that this little being is relying completely on you.  You cannot think of yourself a lot of the time.  Meaning pretty much ALL of the time.  You come second.  Always.  And most of the time, most of the time that is fine.  Great even.  Because you are shaping this little person!  Watching a personality develop!  Learning what gives him the giggles!  Sometimes though, it sucks.  And it is SO. HARD.  And you just want to sleep!  SLEEP!!!! 

*sigh*

So now I am at work.  And all I keep thinking about is how MAD I was at my baby.  MY BABY!  Who needs me!  For everything.  And will for a very long time.  And I know that his teeth have been bothering him.  There are definite signs that more are coming.  But all I could think about was getting some sleep for work.  Bad momma. 

That precious little boy still kissed me goodbye when I left.  Kids are miracles.  I love that little boy so much.  I am still working on remembering that I come second.  One of the best tricks to parenting is to remove your expectations, then you will stress a lot less.  Do not expect your child to sleep through the night.  Do not expect your child not to wake up.  Do not expect your child to have a solid routine.  Or think that one night will be similar to the next.  Or to not need you at 2 a.m.  Every day is new.  And different.  And another chance to get things right.  I am still working on that too. 

There will be days...

...when your precious babe wakes up cranky, demanding even more of your attention than usual.

...when, even after nearly 11 months and the discovery of a love that is stronger than you could have possibly imagined, you might wonder what you have gotten yourself into.

...when nothing is entertaining and it's all you can do to just make it to naptime.

...when your adorable sleeping babe wakes up a mere 45 minutes into that peaceful nap screaming.

...when you scoop him up, snuggle him, rock him and he falls back to sleep. Quiet again, but only for 15 minutes and then the screaming resumes.

...when he falls back to sleep once more, for another 15 minutes and this time, when the crying begins again, your own tears fall too.

...when you feel like you are not good enough. The toys you play with aren't good enough. The books you read aren't good enough. The crank hangs on, with outbursts of whining.

...when it only seems to end when daddy comes home. You feel relieved, but kinda crappy too.

...when you need to cry. Just let it out. All the frustration. It's okay.

...when all it takes is a simple goodnight kiss from a drowsy little monster in your arms to remind you that it is all worth it.

My monster is getting more teeth. Teeth suck.

A letter to my still pregnant self.

Dear pregnant you,

There are so many things I wish I could tell you, convince you of... So many things I wish people would've told you when you were a brand new mom. When you felt as though you were fumbling your way through everything and really just needed someone to tell you "Hey, you're doing a great job.  I know it's hard, but it will get easier.  You are figuring things out and it's okay."  Maybe, just maybe, one day you will do this all again. And maybe, just maybe, you can keep a little bit MORE of your sanity if you remember some things that you've already learned along the bumpy road of mommyhood. And, if some other momma happens to stumble across this letter as she traverses the interwebs, I hope it will help her too.

You will be a great mom. Really. The best mom your baby could hope for. "They" don't know what your baby needs. "They" can't tell you how much your baby should be sleeping or eating. "They" don't know your baby! You do. Go with the flow. Your baby will (unless something is medically wrong) tell you when they are hungry or tired. Feed them when they are hungry and let them sleep when they are tired and don't try to schedule them. Sooner or later, they will make their own schedule. No, it's not convenient. But then, if having kids were about convenience, people would pay other people to have and raise their kids for them.

Don't track sleep. It will make you crazy. Worry less about meeting the 15-16 hours a day quota that "they" claim is necessary for every baby and more about how your baby is behaving while they are awake. Each nap is not a life and death situation! Baby didn't nap well? They will probably make up for it next time--it will balance out. After the first few days, stop tracking diapers as well. You'll notice if there's a sudden drop in frequency. I won't say to stop tracking time on the boob though... after 8 months, you're still doing this now... all so one day you can say "Look! I spent 581 hours of my life with you stuck to my boob!!" I don't know what the actual tally is right now because I'm kind of afraid to look and yet I keep tracking. Anyway....

You do not have to "sleep train." You do not have to "cry it out." You may CHOOSE to, but you do not HAVE to... Your baby will start sleeping more. Your baby WILL figure out days versus nights. If your baby is waking frequently, there's a darn good chance that there is a very good reason and it's not to torture you. Although some nights, okay, many nights, it will feel that way. It is OKAY to co-sleep. Do yourself a favor though and try to resist the temptation to hold that adorable sleeping baby for all their naps. You may have a giant that will outgrow his swing and bassinet far too early and then be stuck with a baby who does not want to nap lying flat. Oops. But it's okay if that happens too because these early months will fly. FLY. Even though those nights seem so very long. People, heck your own family, may tell you that you have spoiled your baby. It is OKAY to "spoil" your baby. Enjoy the cuddles and kisses you can steal now. You can already feel them slipping from your fingers. Babies grow up; you can't prevent that. A baby that wants to sleep with his mommy is not the same as a "spoiled" toddler.

You'll notice that most of this is about sleep. It's the thing you worry most about. It doesn't help that it's everyone's favorite thing to ask! "Is he sleeping through the night yet???" Who cares! The person asking certainly doesn't--they're not the one waking up. They probably just want to brag about their own baby that slept through the night at 3 weeks old. Don't believe them. Parents lie. It's true! Because you want to start telling people "Yes!" just so they'll shut up already.

Relax. It will get better. You are not alone. Read this, feel better.

Also, being a mommy will be difficult in ways that you can't possibly yet imagine. Sure, the sleeplessness and fun boobtime are big ones. But, you are a creature of habit. You have your routines, you find comfort in them. In knowing how things are going to work and what is coming next. Guess what? Babies don't really work that way.  Everything is a phase.  Everything.  Oh, they may eventually (*eventually*) fall into a bit of a pattern. But don't get comfortable because once you do... The pattern changes. You cannot even believe how many times things change. Everything from sleep and eating habits, the big ones, to small things--today, I love my swing! Today I hate my swing! Don't hold me like this, are you nuts?! Mind-boggling! Do not spend too much time trying to "figure things out." Put that analytical mind on hold, the mind that is used to following a protocol and getting a certain result, because protocols don't work here. See above re: pattern changes. Babies are unpredictable. What works one day won't work the next, what is hilarious one day won't even get a smile the next. There is no protocol. Roll with the phases and the punches.  Try to enjoy them even!

Here's something you had considered but didn't quite recognize the degree to which things would change: you're an introvert. You like alone time. Sure, you like your friends and family, but every once in awhile, you need to be alone to stay sane. That is (mostly) gone now. There is a little person that depends on you for everything right now. That goes for food, care AND entertainment. You're lucky if you get to go to the bathroom alone during the day. Get ready for this.

Being a mommy is very different from being a full-time employee.  "Full-time employee" usually implies 8 hours of work a day, 5 days a week.  Being a mommy, is FULL full-time.  All day, every day.  It is physically and mentally exhausting, like a regular job, but it is also emotionally exhausting.  It's hard not knowing why your baby is crying.  It's hard not knowing what is "the right way."  You will doubt yourself.  You will think you are doing it wrong and you are clearly the worst mom ever.  I promise you that every mother has had these thoughts.  You will start to figure things out.  

I'm making this all sound so wonderful! It is though, really. It's difficult, but ALSO wonderful in ways you can't possibly imagine. Every time your baby does something new or you can see them figure something out, your heart will swell. When they smile at you in the morning or giggle when you tickle them, you may find yourself crying. You can even find joy in those quiet moments, in the dark, when he's *finally* asleep and you just stare at his little face knowing full well that you should close your eyes as well, but you just *can't.*

You are about to raise a little person. And it's a miracle. Even though you, a scientist, know more about all the details than most people, you still know that just the fact that all these biological processes happened at once or in a very specific order to create this little person... It's truly amazing. You are blessed. Remember this at 2 am. Remember how lucky you are and how amazing this is! Along with being completely overwhelming and life-changing and routine-destroying and OMG-willheeversleep-screaming. It will be okay.

Relax. Smile more. Laugh more. You will not enjoy everything (and that's okay!!!), but try to enjoy MORE. Because you have no idea how fast it will go.

Love, Mom to an 8 month old

Sleep regression.

Yowza. This has been a rough week. I never knew about sleep regression before becoming a mom. In fact, I was blissfully ignorant for about the first three and a half months of my kiddo's life. Oh sleep was always a concern, but I figured it would get better with time and, for the most part, it did. My guy was and continues to be a...healthy...eater, so we were (and still are) doing nighttime nursings, but he would eat and drift back off without an issue. Sometime around three and a half months though, that all changed and we went from sleeping in three hour stretches to waking up pretty much every hour. Screaming. We could rock him to sleep, but forget about putting him down or the crying would begin again. We began co-sleeping. It was the only way any of us got any sleep. It was easier to nurse and to comfort him back to sleep when he woke. There were still regular occurrences of dad having to take him down to the couch around 2 a.m., but we were getting MORE sleep at least.

Due to a series of real life events over the course of the next several weeks and months, we kept up the practice of co-sleeping. We had our first weekend away, our first vacation, an illness and pretty much a solid month of teething. All those things disrupted little dude's sleep anyway, so we figured why fight a battle that would be impossible to win.

At about the six month mark, when things calmed down a bit, I decided it was time to get this kid sleeping in his crib again. It was a bit of a battle for two nights, but we went back to our nightly routine and he started getting put down in his crib AWAKE and putting himself to sleep at night. Yeah, I stayed in the room while he fell asleep, so what? I've come to terms with the fact that I am strongly opposed to the cry it out concept. I know it works for a lot of people, but it's not for me. The good news is that since that time he has been sleeping in his crib at least until his first feeding every night! Yeah, we still co-sleep the rest of the night. He protests his crib fiercely after the first feeding and I value sleep highly in life. :). Also, if I'm being entirely honest, although things get a bit cramped in our bed sometimes, I like sleeping with my baby. The fact that I am able to get him to sleep alone in his own bed for some part of the night, while I run around the house doing the chores that didn't get finished during the day, is good enough. For now.

The bad news is that, for the past week, baby is back to waking quite often. Every couple of hours typically. And dad has had to head to the couch with him on more than a few occasions this week at 2 in the morning as well. Turns out we are facing something that every kiddo goes through, usually several times during their early years. The monster even has a name--Sleep Regression. Dr. google and all the baby sites will tell you all about it, but basically at around 7 or 8 months, babies sleep habits are changing and their brains are trying to process a ton of new stuff. They may also be learning to crawl. So it's almost like their brains are too busy to sleep or they wake up and can't fall back asleep. Good times. Oh yeah and the first major sleep regression hits around 4 months. Whaddyaknow? That's when little dude was learning to roll over, we'd see him rolling on the monitor and it was usually when he had rolled onto his belly that he woke up. Now he sometimes sleeps on his belly, but wakes up in the night doing pushups. It's a good time to workout apparently. Crawling prep, no doubt, but still rough on the sleep.

So, consider yourself warned. There is a thing called Sleep Regression. It is real. It is not a joke. And it's kind of a bitch.

The one about boobs.

I recently learned that one of my college girlfriends is expecting her first child in May, a girl! I excitedly congratulated and did what everyone does... Offered advice. Being that I am just getting through the newborn phase myself, things are fresh in my mind and I may have convinced myself that I am more qualified than most to be doing so. One of the things that I warned her about, that no one told me, is just how difficult breastfeeding can be. I knew that it couldn't be as simple as just hold 'em up and let 'em suck, but I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

She asked for some more specifics, so, if I were to give a newbie some advice, I would say:

It will be harder than you imagine. No one prepares you for this. You spend all this time and energy getting ready for/worrying about labor. A new challenge awaits.

If your hospital has a lactation consultant on hand, meet with them as often as you can. Get them to teach you different positions and try to work on that latch.

Hit up the breastfeeding aisle while you are shopping for things to add to your hospital bag. Purchase some nipple cream, nipple shields and those soothing gel things. You'll need them. If I hadn't gotten my hands on some nipple shields, thanks to the advice of Champaign girlfriend, I think I would have quit somewhere around week 2.

When it comes to the advice of not giving a bottle or pacifier for the first month... I didn't and right now, looking back, I'm so glad. Yes, it's hard. And exhausting when it all depends on you. But. But your milk supply is really determined by supply and demand. The higher that initial demand, the more milk those things are gonna produce. This is also why we chose to have the baby "room in" with us at the hospital. When he was hungry, I fed him. At all hours. The nurses wanted to take him to the nursery, but he stayed with us. It turns out that there is such a thing as too much supply and I've dealt with that too, but that didn't come into play until weeks later. For those initial days, the more sucking, the faster your milk comes in, the happier the baby. And for those first weeks, the more feedings, the more milk you will produce, the happier the baby.

Would it be easier to give bottles occasionally? Of course! And if you have the same experience I did, your family will constantly be asking to feed the baby anyway. I was recovering from a c-section during the first 6 weeks or so, so my job was to lay in bed, sleep when possible and feed the baby when he was brought to me. Because I birthed a giant, I wasn't supposed to be carrying him around anyway. Yeah, that was hard emotionally too because I felt like I was just a milk machine. But, again, now looking back, it was totally worth it. Back to bottles, my outlook was that if we were going to feed a bottle, I should be pumping during that time anyway (supply and demand), so its not like the bottle was saving ME any work. I've heard of people doing bottles in the first month quite successfully. And I've heard of others where baby develops a bottle preference and won't go back. Or they don't end up producing enough to breastfeed exclusively. It really depends on you and baby.

After 6 weeks, Dad started feeding him a nightly bottle of formula. I decided to do the formula for two reasons. 1) It gave me a chance to get used to pumping without the pressure of having to produce enough or the baby goes hungry. That milk got put in the freezer because 2) I wasn't sure if I would be returning to work and wanted to start building up a supply. This way, I also knew that if I couldn't pump enough for whatever reason, baby would also accept formula. By the time I went back to work, I had quite the freezer stash.

It's also important to note that people who have no experience with breastfeeding or who have forgotten all that is involved will try to be helpful by saying such things as... "Surely baby can't be hungry again?!" (they probably are). "It shouldn't hurt." (it might for awhile, but it will get better!). And my personal favorite "why don't you just give a bottle" which really annoyed me because I felt like it was an attack against my personal decision to breastfeed. It can be really hard, but maybe for you it will be easy, who knows? It depends on you and your baby. I'd imagine that just like every labor is different, every breastfeeding experience is different.

A quick word on schedules... You can't schedule a baby. Even at four months old, I know vaguely when my kid is gonna be hungry, but it might be different that day. With your newborn, you may be feeding every two hours (or less) for several weeks!!! And keep in mind that feedings are timed from the start of one to the start of the next. If baby is feeding for 30 minutes, you may only have an hour before the next feeding starts. It will get better. Just when you think you can't possibly do it anymore, things will start spacing out. And then, you'll hit a growth spurt and your every three hour feedings will go back to every 90 minutes again for a day or two. It happens and it's normal!!!

Perhaps most importantly, know who you can call to ask questions!! Who you can call when you feel like it's all going wrong. There was no one in my family I could ask. Turns out I was formula fed (I had always assumed I was breastfed), my aunt breastfed one of her kids, but it was so long ago she didn't remember, and my cousin was good for some questions, but had only breastfed for three months, so even she had a different opinion on things (give a bottle). I called Champaign girlfriend, my old boss, and even contacted a La Leche League member with questions at one point. Help is out there, even if it's just emotional support.

It is worth it. Another big plus, it's free!!! But, if things, don't work out, for *whatever* reason, there is absolutely nothing wrong with formula.

Cow, out.

3 months: State of the Mommy

The kiddo has been around for over three months now and I've kind of been putting off writing this post since then. Don't get me wrong, I am feeling good. I'd be lying if I said that I was perfectly comfortable in my post-baby body.

I'm only about 6 pounds up from my pre-pregnancy weight, which is pretty awesome. Honestly, I was never really concerned too much about my weight gain during pregnancy. I knew that I was eating well and knew that there is only so much you can do to control how much you gain in the first place. I gained about 40 pounds. Sounds like a lot. But I was healthy. No high blood pressure, no diabetes. I was literally a giant belly. This has pluses and minuses. On the plus side, only my stomach was increasing in diameter every week. On the minus side, being a smaller framed person, that giant belly did an awesome job stretching out my skin. Which means that I now have a lovely jiggly belly. I don't know if this will ever go away. It's also covered in a spiderweb of stretch marks. If this is the worst thing resulting from the birth of my beautiful munchkin though, I'll take it.

What else has changed? The boobages have mostly returned to their normal size, but continue to makes delicious noms for the munchkin. There was a while there when I didn't think I'd make it another day breastfeeding much less 3 months, so I'm super excited about that.

Other than that, life sure has changed. I miss my husband. Oh I see him, but we certainly don't get quality time together right now. It's not unheard of for us to try to have a conversation over a fussy, squawking baby. And when baby goes to bed, I'm often close behind since I know I'll be awake for several feedings during the night.

Laundry never ends. It's kind of amazing how much more laundry a little person can produce. Part of that is because we've chosen cloth diapers and wipes, so I'm washing those at least every other day. I love them though, so it's worth it to me.

As my husband pointed out, having a kiddo has also somehow morphed me into a morning person. Not that I have much of a choice. :). I function on less sleep these days too. I've gotten used to wearing loungewear around the house and being covered in spit up. Yes, I'm the mom that goes grocery shopping in yoga pants and I'm pretty sure I've unintentionally left the house without brushing my teeth at least once.

Dishes stack up, dust bunnies multiply, it's hard to not care, but priorities! If I can keep up with laundry, grocery shop once a week and generally maintain everyone's health and well-being (including our four-legged resident), then I think I'm doing pretty good.

Someday soon maybe I'll even get used to the idea of being someone's mom and saying the phrase 'my son'.