The one about Religion: I went to a wake recently...

Mary, my cousins' grandmother on their dad's side of the family, passed away.   This woman was 96 and had led a very full life.  She was a mother of four, a grandmother of 16, and a great-grandmother to 21.  She lived in the same house for 54 years, up until about 2 years ago, when she moved in with one of her daughters.  Point is, she was a well-loved woman.  She was also "old-school" Catholic, which meant an open casket at the wake, with prayers, followed by a full mass at church the next morning, procession to the cemetery, etc.  I am all for people getting the... end... that they desire, but there is something so creepy to me about the open casket.

The family did a beautiful job of displaying photos of this woman's life.  There were multiple collages and photo albums, displays of wedding pictures and holding (many) newborns for the first time.  I soaked them up.  I just do not understand why that is not enough.  Why would we not want to remember our loved ones as they were, happy in life, instead of the way they are now?  I guess some like tradition and others like closure, but I was happy to hear that none of my loved ones want this type of event. 

ANYWAY, the officiant (pastor? priest? I never know.) who led the prayers talked a lot about how we should view this event as a celebration of a life well-lived.  That we should not wear black, a color of sorrow, but that we should wear joyful colors.  I LOVED this sentiment, but good luck making progress on that change.  He spoke about how Mary would go to Heaven because she was a woman of service.  She served her community, her church, her family.  I loved how he spoke about how important being a mom is: that no one is ever "just" a mom, she is also a provider, a teacher. 

I guess the part that bothered me was the discussion on heaven versus hell.  It was said that Mary would go to heaven for her service.  If there is such a place... and I do believe there is "somewhere," I just do not know *what* exactly... I am certain that she is there.  She was just a lovely woman!  The stereotypical perfect grandmother.  The officiant spoke of sheep and goats and how Mary was a sheep and would therefore find eternal life.  I guess I need to look more into where these analogies come from because my mind does not necessarily attach anything positive to being termed a "sheep."  And what is so terrible about goats, anyway?  This was the kicker though, apparently you can be a good person and still be a "goat" if you lack service to the church, if you have not been baptized, if you do not dedicate yourself to serving Jesus.  Really?  Because one chooses not to participate in an organized religion, one is relegated to the same fate as truly evil folk?  I have a problem with this notion.  Or is this the circles of hell concept, where "minor goats" will have a very different experience from "major goats."  I have no idea.  Again, I have not done enough research on the topic yet, but these were my thoughts coming out of the wake.  

I am still thinking a lot about many different religious topics lately, despite my lack of posting.  I am reading and thinking.  Things have been a bit crazy the last month and a half and they are bound to settle down soon.  Right?!  We shall see.  For now, I am going to strive to be the very best person, mom, wife, employee, daughter, that I can be.... if that makes me a goat, so be it. 

The one about Religion: a history and a beginning.

Things are about to get heavy in here.  I normally stay away from the more controversial of topics, but I found myself thinking about Religion, Faith, and Spirituality a lot over this past weekend and I really just need a place to purge some of these thoughts as I try to make sense of it all.  This is your disclaimer to skip this post if you are easily offended or just do not care.  :)

My thoughts are really jumbled right now, so this will probably be hard to follow. 

We took our first trip to Ohio to visit my husband's dad and step-mom.  They are regular church-goers; we are not.  They celebrate the religious aspect of the Easter holiday; we "celebrate" the bunny and chocolate.  They have crucifixes up in their house; I think they are kinda creepy. 

Let me back up...

My mom went to Catholic school.  She had services every morning before class as a regular part of her day.  My dad went to church growing up too, but I honestly do not even know what church he was a part of (not a Catholic one).  Basically his mom forced him to go and once he was able to stop going, he did.  So, since my parents were both forced to go, I guess they decided to force me to go as well.  I went to CCD and occasionally to services on Sundays.  Dad did not attend, so it was just me and my mom.  Going to church was still not a high priority on her list, so we were not there often.  I had my first communion.  I even made it to my first confession.  I do not even remember how old I was at this time.  11?  Maybe?  Dunno.  This is where things went bad.  I think it was for my second or third confession that I chose to go face-to-face.  This is where, instead of sitting in the confessionals, blocked by walls and screens, you just sit in a room with the priest and chat.  What exactly does an 11 year-old have to confess anyway?  "I talked back to mom and dad.  I didn't do what I was told.  I only made it to church once this month."  Oops.  Yeah.  That last one?  That did not go over well.  I do not remember exactly what was said to me.  All I know is that although I held out during the time that I was seated in that chair, I left the church that night in tears.  This representative of the church had basically told me that I was evil for not going to church every Sunday.  That my parents were evil for not taking me to church every Sunday.  That I needed to beg forgiveness for all of us.  Really?  This seemed so wrong to me.  I thought I was a pretty good kid.  And my parents were my world, how could they be evil?!  Anyway, it took a lot of coaxing, but I finally told my mom why I was so upset.  I am sure by then that she had formulated much worse things in her head.  She then told me that she had had a very similar experience growing up.  That she had told her pastor that her parents did not attend church regularly and pastor had told her that they were wrong.  Never mind the fact that they were immigrants who did not understand English.  Or that they often worked on Sundays to pay for their two daughters.  I stopped attending CCD and church after that night.  I just refused to go.  My mother tried on several occasions to enroll me in other programs just so I could get confirmed.  In case I ever wanted to get married in a Catholic church, she said.  I went a few times, but I always ended up dropping out of those programs before finishing.  I was completely disappointed with "The Church" as a whole.  Of course I have no idea if every church was like this, but this experience definitely ruined it for me. 

Fast forward...

I am college-educated.  Have an MS in a biology field, even.  Trained in research and deciphering data.  Data which show results of carefully formulated experiments.  Experiments that demonstrate processes that you can actually SEE with your own eyes.  See where this is going yet?  I admit that I do not remember a lot from my CCD and church days, but as I sat in church services with my in-laws this weekend, Easter weekend, and listened to the stories about Jesus rising from the dead...  Well, I felt an overwhelming sense of disbelief.  And do not get me started on the immaculate conception.  (And let's ignore dinosaurs and evolution as well for now.)  My brain cannot process this.  I do not understand how anyone can believe these things.  I have no faith.

This is not to say that I think people that go to church are dumb.  I actually find myself kind of envious of the people that can believe in something without ever seeing it.  With no evidence at all.  These people have Faith.  They just *know* something.  They feel it in their bones.  That is pretty darn amazing.  I do not know what I believe anymore.  I think I believe in a Higher Power, but I am not sure that it is this version that I read about in the bible so many years ago.  Like I said, my brain just does not understand how religion and science are compatible at this point.  And that might just be because science is all that I have been exposed to for the last...20 years?

I started thinking about what I would tell my son as he is getting older.  What will his beliefs be?  Of course, he will only be exposed to these things if we choose to expose him.  I would very much like for him to make his own decisions about these things.  Of course, that means that I have to educate myself.  Again.  And for the first time in some regard.  I have decided that during our next trip to the library, along with books for my little man, I will be getting a book on religion.  I am not sure what the title will be, maybe it will just be a bible.  I have no idea.  And it will likely take me months to finish it.  But I want to start and I need to start somewhere.  This will be a long journey, one that I will certainly struggle with.

If you have any suggestions for a skeptic, let me know. 

Resolutions.

I have never been big on resolutions.  I guess I do not see the point if they only last a few weeks at a time.  I think that change needs to come about or be pursued because we WANT it, not just because we happened to reach a certain date on a calendar.  All that aside though, I have been reading a lot of blog posts about resolutions.  This one in particular struck a chord with me--Start Now!  Because, yeah, there really is no "perfect" time for things.  So, some things that I am hoping to Start Now in 2013. 

~I would like to start an Etsy shop.  My mom and I have been talking about doing this for awhile now.  She would really be the main owner/creative force behind it and I would be supporting cast, but I want to quit talking about it and do it!  We need to get answers to some questions about setting things up and doing it the right way.  I am really hoping this comes together soon though.  I am itching to start creating things and this would give me good reason. 

~I would like to start worrying less and enjoying more.  I would not say that I am stressed out all the time, but I do worry a lot.  And it's mostly about how my little is going to respond to situations.  Or how others (family, friends, and strangers alike) are going to respond to HIS reactions.  I will sort of be jumping in the deep end on this next month when we take our first plane trip as a family.  Yes, I am worried about the flight.  Seriously.  I do not want to be that family with the screaming toddler that is annoying everyone and getting dirty looks.  But, I can only control so much.  I hate hate HATE that anyone would think my kid is a "bad kid."  I have been guilty of that myself before I became a parent!  Watching a child scream and cry in a grocery store and thinking either a) why is that mom not *doing* something? or b) geez, that kid is out of control!  Shame on me.  I know now that one episode (or even 100!) do not necessarily a bad kid (or parent!) make.  My kid is not a bad kid.  Maybe he is just having a bad day.  Like we all do.  But he is incapable of saying "I'm tired and cranky."  It is what it is.  I really dislike that phrase, but it is so so true. 

~Going hand in hand with that last one, I would like to be more happy!  Happy is a state of mind.  I am lucky enough right now to be involved with the beta testing of a new social networking site that is focused on seeing the good, the positive, the Happy! in life.  And I am really, really enjoying it.  I have noticed that since I have started using it, I am posting less and less on Facebook.  I find Facebook to be so negative these days.  Everyone seems to be complaining about something.  And yes, if we look, we can all find something to complain about.  But why not change our attitude and find something to be happy about???  Happy makes you feel good.  Happy makes the struggles easier because you can recognize the ways in which you are blessed.  Happy is contagious.  It is not always easy.  We are surrounded by so much negativity that it is easy to get dragged down by it.  This is still something that I am working on, but I am making progress. 

Those are my biggies!  There are other small things as well.  I want to finally sell some unused "stuff" online (listed a couple items this week and already have my first sale!) and donate more as well.  I want to start taking more pictures again and not just of my little.  I want to have more date nights with my husband because we deserve them.

It is time to Start Now. 

Dogs and kids.

I have been thinking about writing a post about this for awhile now. It is something that I consider extremely important and, oftentimes, extremely overlooked. I am talking about dog and child safety.

When I first started writing this blog, a lot of the posts focused on my dog, Lita.
As with any shelter dog, she came with baggage. We had no idea of her experiences before she came to live with us. When we brought her home I started doing a lot of research into training methods to help her. We worked with an excellent trainer for a long time. We have made a great deal of progress with Lita. And have worked very hard to get here. When I learned that I was pregnant, I was overjoyed. But also a little nervous. Nervous about how our dog would react. Does that sound crazy?

My dog is not my baby, but she a part of my family. She trusts me. I have worked hard to earn that trust. She trusts that when I am with her she is safe and I will not put her in an unsafe situation. I will not ask her to do something that she cannot handle. I knew when I learned that I was pregnant, that we would have to work hard to maintain that trust. I knew that I would expect my child to respect Lita and to have boundaries when it comes to interactions with her. I knew that for both of their safeties, they would not be left unsupervised together. Ever.

We have all seen pictures in a forwarded email or shared on Facebook of a dog with a baby propped next to them. Or maybe it's a smiling child, giving a dog a hug. The dog is sitting there with eyes carefully averted away from the small hands. Maybe its ears are back. Or its feet are tense. Subtle, subtle cues. Indicating that all is not well. Before I knew enough to detect those cues, I used to think those photos were cute too. Alternatively, maybe you have heard a friend or family member say proudly "Those kids can do anything to that dog!" Again, I used to think that was a good thing.

Now, as a relatively knowledgable dog owner AND as a parent, those things make me cringe.

I believe that it is children that need to be taught to interact properly with animals and not the other way around. They should learn that it is not okay to pull a dog's ears or tail. To pet them gently. That most dogs do not like hugs. To leave them alone while they are eating and when they are in their bed. A dog needs a safe place where they can escape. Obviously, very small children cannot understand the rules. It falls on the parents to enforce them. These rules are all in place in our house. They may seem extreme to some. Those same people that say 'my kids can do anything to our dog.' There are two problems with this scenario.

1) Are you sure your dog is okay with what it happening? Have you really watched? Have you watched the eyes, ears, tail, toes? One concept that I learned from my training experience with my own dog is the idea of The Bank. All positive experiences add to The Bank, while negative ones take away. You want to keep adding to The Bank, so, when you least expect it, and you are in a bad situation, your dog will have something to draw on. To allow YOU make a choice for him. When The Bank is empty, the dog is forced to make a choice. Not all dogs will reach a breaking point in their tolerance levels, but many will. Those negative interactions with kids subtract from The Bank. The dog is also learning that interactions with the kids mean uncomfortable things and no one will stop it. Kids become a scary thing. Does he continue to just sit there and take it or stop it himself? The key to peaceful family interactions is not having to put your dog in the situation to make that decision in the first place. If every situation is monitored and only good things happen during those interactions, then, should it ever be needed!, The Bank will be good and full and while your dog may get surprised by an random negative encounter, he will not feel a need to make a decision.

2) Kids generalize. If they treat their own dog in a certain way, giving hugs for example, they will think that they can hug all dogs. Wow. I cannot tell you how many kids have come up to my dog and just stuck their hands in her face or tried to hug her. And I cannot emphasize enough how dangerous this is!! Some dogs just are not around kids a lot and can be afraid of them. After all, kids are noisy and unpredictable and may be at the perfect height to look a dog in the eye. Some dogs have already had bad experiences with kids. Either way, you just cannot know. Children (or parents!) should ALWAYS ask before petting an unknown dog. And they should be taught proper dog manners--do not reach over their head, let them come to you, etc.

I am hopeful that my son will grow up with a proper respect for our dog and for animals in general. As he gets older, I plan to give him added responsibility when it comes to Lita. He will be able to feed her and let her outside. For now, I will continue to monitor interactions, making them as positive as possible for both of them!