Survival mode (13 months).

Thirteen months. This started off as a typical letter, but that changed when I broke down in tears a bit ago. It is almost 9 pm here, well past Beck's usual bedtime, but the Holiday Plague is upon us, so we are being a bit more lenient. Beck started getting sick on Christmas Day and by the 26th we were in full-blown survival mode. Take your "schedule" (I use the term loosely because we have a routine, but not a locked down schedule) and chuck it out the window. We are practically back in the newborn days... Naps whenever, food whenever, nighttime sleep wherever. Tons of fun. And snot. Good times.

Anyway, since the kiddo has been not really sleeping anyway, we gave up on the concept of even using the crib at all the last couple days. Camping out at night on the sofas and sneaking in zzzs when we could. Tonight we decided to just head up into our bed. I have spent nearly an hour trying to get this kid to sleep, to no avail. He is fighting it so hard. Completely exhausted, but will not close those eyes.

So, tonight, I am feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed as a momma. And that quickly spirals into feeling overwhelmed with everything else in life. Will we all ever sleep again? Will I ever catch up on laundry or the dishes? Will I ever have time to spend with my husband again? Will I ever get time to myself again? Of course, the answers to all of these questions is yes. But it is so darn easy to get caught up in one issue, whatever that issue happens to be, and think that this is the way things will always be, forever and ever.

I know that someday Beck will no longer need us for pretty much any reason. But that is hard to remember when he is sick and has needed me for pretty much every single moment of the last 3 days. I feel so awful for him, of course. Watching those little eyes water, his nose run, so obviously uncomfortable... I would take on the sickness myself if I could.

For now, I am just hoping to get through another night. And then another morning. Another afternoon and evening. Another day. And then however many more days it takes before this kid is well. And trying to remember that it IS true, this too shall pass, just like everything else has before it. And then something new will pop up, just like it always does as well. Such is life. Perhaps what I still need to realize as a parent is that we are always in survival mode. What works one day, may not work tomorrow. We are constantly adapting. How completely frustrating for a scientist.

12 months as a parent.

I would  love to say that my time served so far means that I have it all figured out.  Truth is, I do not. And at this point I kind of think that any parent that tells you they do, or even acts like they do, is bluffing big time.  But maybe that is how we learn to survive.

This has been one of the most challenging years of my life.  The sleep deprivation is rough.  Really rough.  You expect it in the newborn days.  You get used to it even!  Somehow remaining functional on mere hours of sleep that have been dished out in fragments.  I did not realize that what is even harder is when you reach the point of actually getting some good sleep for awhile, only to have it taken away again.  There have been incredibly frustrating nights.  Nights of tears for myself and Beck.  When I wonder what has gone wrong; why does he refuse to sleep?  The fact is I tell myself often that there is no reason, but there really always seems to be one.  I just cannot always figure out what it is right away.  Maybe he is getting sick.  Or maybe it is because he has just figured out how to crawl or is about to start pulling up on things.  Maybe his gums are swollen and covered in blisters because his molars are forcing their way through his jaw.  Good times.  He is not trying to torture us, but sometimes that is hard to remember at 2 am.  Or even 11 pm, when I just want sleep for all of our sakes.  It is hard too because your day becomes so regimented.  Plans are made around naps and meals.  But that is not really a problem for me.  I like schedules.  It is hard to have very few moments of time to yourself.  For me, at least.  Sometimes, it is a battle just to get to go to the bathroom alone. Every little chore or task becomes infinitely more difficult.  Can I take the baby with me to sort laundry in the basement?  Do I put him in his pack and play?  Is it worth the time alone for the possible screaming?  Are these toys entertaining enough?  There really is stress around every corner with a baby.  Illness.  Teeth.  Is he eating enough?  Sleeping enough?  Pooping enough?  It is enough to drive a person crazy.  I have had to learn to relax and go with the flow a lot more.  It is amazing what a little change in perspective/expectations can do for a person.

Thankfully, this has also been one of the most rewarding years of my life.  I have had the luxury of staying home with my little guy 3 days a week and working 2.  That is truly a blessing.  I have thoroughly enjoyed watching him grow and change and am excited to say that so far I have not missed any firsts!  This kid amazes me.  We have games we play and songs we sing that he actually recognizes.  He can anticipate what comes next.  He can mimic us.  He is so curious.  He likes to look at books.  He is starting to try to stack things and put them away instead of just knocking things down and taking things out.  And the love.  It is overwhelming.  The worst day can fade away with just a smile or a wave or a giggle.  And to see him toddle my way to offer a kiss or a hug.  It kills.  I really would do anything for this kid.  Including not sleeping, ha!

And so I shall continue to go with the flow.  When my child needs me, even if it is at 2 am, I will be there.  Sooner than I think he will no longer need me at all.  If this first year has gone so fast, I cannot imagine how fast the rest of them will go.  It has been awesome. And there's so much more to come.