Baby Eins: Two Years.

Dear Beck,

This week we celebrated your second birthday.  How is that even possible?  On your actual birthday, your dada took the day off work and the three of us had a great time together.  We had a yummy breakfast, including a rare treat for you: toaster strudel.  Then it was off to the Mariano's bakery, where you pointed out the cake in the display that you wanted to consume.  Next, we paid your pediatrician a visit and she confirmed how awesome and healthy you are.  You did not love being at the doctor...I think our recent ER and specialists visits for your foot have given you a bit of white coat anxiety. Not that I blame you. You got two shots as well, but calmed down quickly when we mentioned our next destination.  The pool!  We went to the park district swimming pool, which you and I have started frequenting. You were so excited "swimming, swimming, swimming..."  It was dada's first time at this pool.  We all got changed and walked up to pay for our time.  The pool was empty, but it was 20* outside so that was no real surprise.  Well, it turned out that mama read the schedule wrong and the kid's pool was not actually open during that time, only the lap pool. Thankfully, there are still some kind souls in the world and when they heard why we were there, they opened the pool and turned everything on just for YOU.  I am certain you had no idea what I was saying, but when I told you this your mouth dropped open in a big smile.  Priceless.  We played and "ah-boomed" (for when we lift you in and out of the water quickly with lots of splashing) for about 30 minutes or so.  You have recently discovered how much fun inner tubes are and are becoming quite bold about walking out into deeper water.  And yes, you fell and went completely underwater three or four times.  This surprised you, but you just kept going.  Bold.  After that it was home for a quick lunch and then to nap because you were wasted.  And so was mama.  :)  You slept for just over three hours, kiddo.  And I may have caught a few winks myself during that time.  

After we all woke up, it was time for a quick snack and then we took Lita for a walk.  You spoke with lots of family while I made your birthday dinner of macaroni and cheese, hot dogs, and fish sticks.  Live large, little man.  Then it was finally time for cake!  The candles mesmerized you.  I cut you a slice of your selection and placed it in front of you.  That first bite elicited the most awesome of responses,,,  an "mmm...yum.." with a little giggle in there.  So adorable.  And can we talk about that cake for a moment?  The cake you pointed at in the case was the "Signature Cake". It was covered in chocolate ganache, but that is all we knew.  Turned out that the inside was chocolate cakes, with a layer of chocolate buttercream, a layer of cheesecake, and a layer of cherry filling.  Wow.  I never would have selected something like that, but it was delicious.  Good choice.  Finally, you got your gift from us... A talking minion from Despicable Me.  "Tim" was a big surprise to you and you spent the rest of the night chatting and snuggling with him.  

All of this comes after the fact that we had a party to celebrate with family two weeks ago. It was minion themed and you had an awesome time!  I always worry that these events will overwhelm you, but you have done quite well with them. You had a great time playing with your cousins, eating some of the breakfast catering that we had, opening your gifts, and, of course, devouring a minion cupcake.  :)  Some pretty severe storms rolled through our area while we were busy celebrating you.  We got very high winds, lots of rain and even some hail.  There were also lots of tornadoes further south, but we all stayed safe.  

You have been quite the cuddler lately, wanting to give lots of hugs and kisses.  I will never say no.  You have also been quite impressive at large family gatherings, including your birthday, socializing with everyone.  Although your Uncle Dan still scares you a bit for some reason.  I would like to think that the fact that you are so secure has something to do with your parenting, but maybe that is just you.  Either way, you are pretty darn awesome.  We still have our moments of course.  You are wanting to be carried a ton lately and I cannot always accommodate that request.  My belly cannot accommodate that request.  :)  Your "up?"s and "pweese?"s kill me.  I know you just want to be close.  

Your dada and I love you so much, pumpkin.  I am going to have to stop calling you "baby" pretty soon because you will be a big brother soon enough.  But, you will always be MY baby.  

Hugs and kisses, mama

The Kids: Eins: 23 (1/2) months and Zwei: 31 weeks

Oh me oh my, I am so far behind....

Dear kiddos,

mom is starting to feel like a whale now, so things are definitely starting to move at a snail's pace.  That means that only necessary things get done, along with lots of napping and resting whenever I can.  Unfortunately, regardless of how unmotivated I am to do anything, time keeps marching on and neither one of you is sitting still. 

Beck, your cast came off and you wore an air cast for a few days before we weaned you off of that too.  You are now fully recovered and back to running around full force.  I guess we will never know if you actually had a break or not.  We will tell you it was broken if it makes you feel cooler though. 

I neglected to update your vocab list last month, which I am certain is incomplete.  Sometimes the words that you choose to repeat amuse me so... 

Your new word list includes: bosh (blocks), hot, no, car, bus, shoes, back, clock, on, juice, book, fly, di-sore (dinosaur), off, walk, cereal (typically the first thing out of your mouth in the morning), Neenah (Nona), baby, boo, zip, fan, hug (yes, you give hugs now and it is the cutest thing EVER!!!), boom, say, Buck (Beck), pumpkin, nose, mouth, open, banana, hat, Elmo, milk, hummus, yes, apple, plate, purple, phone, thumb, Tyler, bubbles, and eyes.  Whew.  Yes, I would say that is officially the word explosion.  You copy words we say often now, but I only record them when you start offering them on your own. 

You have also started counting... it usually goes "one, two, one."  But the other day you did six through ten perfectly.  You are starting to notice colors as well and we heard your first two-word phrase the other day "dada done."  One of your favorite things to do right now is to look at pictures and point out all the people that you know.  I am sure you do not care about these little details now, but someday I hope that you are a father and you will recognize what a HUGE deal all these little moments really are. 

Your dad and I celebrated our 5-year wedding anniversary last month.  We actually left town for a night and went to stay at a bed and breakfast.  It was a nice little getaway for us and you did not mind because you got to have your first sleepover at Oma's house!  Both her and grandpa swear that you were good.  You got to sleep in the big bed with Oma, you lucky kid.  

We also celebrated your second Halloween last month.  You were a pirate and your dad went all out converting the wagon that Oma bought you into a pirate ship for the day.  After seeing the photos, a friend commented that we will not be able to do these crazy things when we have two kids.  I sure hope we can.  Halloween is a favorite holiday in our house and of course we want it to be a fantastic memory for you growing up.  Challenge accepted!!!

This weekend we will actually be celebrating your birthday.  A few weeks early so that Nona and G'pa could make it too.  I cannot believe that you will be two!  Where has the time gone?!

Speaking of time... your brother will be here before we know it!!!

Baby Zwei, we had one last level II ultrasound last month.  You were estimated to be a large size at that point (3 lbs, 3 ounces, shocker!), but everything looked perfect.  The spot that the docs were concerned about had completely resolved and we were released from their care.  Yay!!!  We passed the glucose tolerance test with flying colors as well, so it is not gestational diabetes that is contributing to your large size, apparently I just grow 'em big.  You are still WAY active.  Sometimes it seems impossible that you only have four limbs in there with all the movement I feel, you may even be MORE active than your brother was.

I am so excited to meet you, but feel so unprepared.  We have most of the things we need for your care at this point, so there is none of that panicked feeling of a huge to-do list.  And yet, I feel like I should be doing *something* to prepare for you.  These next few months are going to fly by with the Holidays coming up.  We are not even sure what your name will be at this point!  Of this I am sure though, you are going to rock our world in the best of ways. 

Love you boys, momma

A terrible loss.

I received a phone call over the past weekend that the youngest brother of a very good friend had taken his own life.  It is a complete cliche, but words cannot express how shocked I was to hear this news.  I instantly felt such a great sadness for his family, his brother and two sisters.  How would they ever deal with this loss?  In a way, it felt like a loss to my own extended family.  There was a large group of us that was very close in high school, including his oldest sister (my roommate several times during college), and he was the tag-along little brother of the group. 

Of course, then I asked myself why.  Why would a 25 year old, who I can only remember as shy, but friendly and quick to smile; a lover of music, sci-fi and a good joke, do this?  What could have affected him so greatly?  We will never know the answer. 

Last night, my husband and I attended the private memorial service that the family held.  I was honored to be there to support my very good friends and their family.  I was driven to tears several times at the thought of the loss of a friend, a nephew, a brother, but the one that got me most was the loss of a son.  The parent's perspective strikes again.  It has made me realize how important it is to talk, really talk, to your kids.  Not that I think this family did not talk to their son.  But along with the "coming of age talk" and the "sex talk" and all of those difficult conversations that a parent must have with their children, maybe we need to add a "life is not always fun, but there is almost nothing that can be bad enough to end it talk."  I don't know.  I don't know the answers.  All I know is there is a hole in this family and it makes me so sad. 

They are doing so much better than I could have imagined, I think because they have each other. 

The Kids: Eins: 22 months and Zwei: 24 weeks.

Dear Kiddos,

it has been a pretty big month around here.

Beck, all of your baby teeth are finally in!!!!  FINALLY!!!  Hallelujah!!!  It took 4 months for those "two-year molars" to come in and that last one was just hanging on for the longest time.  They are finally here.  We brush your teeth before bed every night and you have started brushing your teeth yourself while we get ready in the morning as well.

Another huge milestone has been reached in the past month: you are no longer breastfeeding.  As I hoped would happen, you dropped the last two feeds after your teeth finished coming in.  The morning feed went first and we were just nursing before bed.  As it turned out, you nursed for the last time on my birthday.  If I had known then that it would be our last session, I might have paid a bit more attention.  Enjoyed you looking up at me.  Smiling as I rolled your pacifier down my chest.  Reaching up and playing with the skin tag on my shoulder (lovely habit).  Just recognized how far we have come.  I am so proud of the fact that we made it so long.  I am so proud of the fact that you got to choose when you were done.  I had no idea that the end would be so bittersweet.  I was looking forward to it and yet it made me very sad at the same time.  You are no longer a baby.  21 months and 14 days.  Wow.  I never expected to go that long.  I have tried to give you both cow's milk and almond milk since then, but you are not a fan.  Maybe in time, no rush, just like everything else. 


And yes, we celebrated my birthday.  We had a little dinner, just the three of us.  It was quiet and wonderful.  :)

The final milestone for your month was your first ER visit and cast.  Yay.  Not really.  There was an incident with your push trike this week.  You put your feet down while I was pushing you and your left foot got jammed under the footrest.  It has happened before, unfortunately.  Unlike some of the previous instances though, this time you did not react at all.  We made it the rest of the way home, you walked in the house and ran around and danced while I prepared dinner.  When it came time to get out of your highchair though, you would not put any weight on your foot.  It took your dad and I awhile to even figure out what could have happened!  We iced it for awhile, but you were still obviously in pain.  So, off to the ER we went.  You were so brave, little man.  It was already close to your bed time and we would be there until well past it, but you did not sleep a wink.  You wanted to watch everything.  We were shuffled from room to room, you had 2 sets of x-rays (the worst part because mommy could not go in the room with you.  I HATED standing in the hallway and hearing you crying.), saw several very nice medical staff members, but we were given no conclusions.  No visible fractures, but you were not tolerating weight or manipulation of that foot.  It was decided to treat it as a break, you were put in an over-the-knee splint, and we would follow-up with the ortho.  Daytime was okay because Oma came around to back me up, but you were miserable trying to sleep in that splint.  You just could not get comfortable and I cannot say that I blame you.  We saw the ortho yesterday and while he could not see a visible fracture either, you were still swollen and tender.  He made the decision to put you in a cast and recheck you in a week.  Thankfully, it is a short walking cast, below-the-knee, and you are already walking around on it like nothing!  And we are all sleeping much better.  :)  I sure am feeling guilty for hurting you though.  Hopefully, you will be all better in one week!

Meanwhile, Baby Zwei, you are charging right along.  Shortly I will be in the third trimester.  Where oh where has the time gone?  I feel like I am getting enormous, but I have not gained that much weight.  My belly just likes to get big, apparently.  At my last OB appointment at 24 weeks, 4 days, I was measuring 30 cm.  Whoa.  We had your follow-up level two ultrasound the week previous and the fancy devices are estimating you at 1 pound, 6 ounces, putting you in the 64th percentile.  You are not enormous, why am I?!  You looked perfect.  The doctor said that it looks like the suspicious spot is resolving on its own, but they do still want to keep an eye on things.  Make sure that it disappears completely and that you keep growing like you should.  A little irritating because I really just wanted to hear "everything looks good, buh-bye now!", but if it means I get to see you more I guess I will not complain. 

Love you kids, momma

Birthday #33.

Another birthday has come and gone, quite awhile ago actually, but I am just finding some "free" time now, while at work, heh. 

It has been a pretty amazing year all in all.  I would not say that I feel any older.  Heck, most of the time I still have a hard time thinking of myself as an adult or believing that I am someone's mother.  Weird.  I am not sure if I am where I expected to be at this point in my life because I am not sure what expectations I had for myself really.  I guess I am a bit surprised to be expecting baby zwei in a few short months, but in a wonderful way.  It goes without saying that this parenting gig is hard, hard, (impossibly hard on somedays!) work, but it is also a blessing, a privilege, a joy.  Beckett is at such a fun age right now, soaking up new words, wanting to go go go and explore.  And yet he is still very sweet.  I cannot wait to watch him and his brother play together.  Of course, I will have to survive the next couple years to get to that place.  :)  One day at a time...

Life right now...
mostly revolves around our little man and I am okay with that. 
does not involve much free time or time alone with my husband, poor guy.
is full of highs and lows.
at 24 weeks pregnant, is exhausting physically.
involves me working 2 part time jobs (one in the lab and one at home).
has given me my first age spot.
is wonderful and joyous. 
is hard. 
is occasionally stressful.
is lots of fun. 

The next year should be even more interesting.

Small moment #1

During dinner last night, Beck was being particularly goofy.  He picked up his yogurt container, put it to his mouth and started jabbering away in it.  Soon, I picked up my water cup and started doing the same.  Beck was fascinated.  Next, my husband picked up his pint glass and started talking into it.  Before I knew it, we were all giggling like fools. 

Life is made up of small moments.  I need to start recognizing them more often. 

Baby Eins: 21 months and Baby Zwei: (almost) 21 weeks.

Dear Beck and Baby Zwei,

kids, my life has become so much more... full with you two in it!!!!

Beck, you are almost 2 and are starting to become quite the parrot.  You repeat words after us, but then we never hear them again, so I refuse to count them as part of your vocabulary.  You have still gained quite a few words in the last month though and I think we are finally starting to see the "language explosion" that we kept hearing about.

Your new favorite activity is actually kind of a chore.  You help us feed Lita breakfast and dinner.  You hold her food bowl, put it down in her stand when it is ready, even bring us her water bowl when it is empty.

You love your monster trucks.  Daddy got a new R/C monster truck recently and you two are having a blast driving it together.  You are a good buddy for him.

You are still working on that. one. last. 2-year. molar.  I hate teeth.  Have I mentioned that before?  Yeah...  As a result of that tooth you have been sleeping a lot with us lately.  I love the snuggles most of the time, but space is going to become a premium in our bed with my growing belly pretty soon.  :)  I am still hopeful that once this last tooth is out and with some gentle coaxing, you will start sleeping in your room again, just as you did before.

You are also still nursing twice a day and that is becoming rather... uncomfortable... these days.  I am hopeful that this too will change once those darn teeth are done.  If not, I will finally be willing to consider gently weaning you.  Sorry, kid.

Current naptime is around 11:30 and you sleep for 2-3 hours most days.  I usually work for part of your nap and then we snooze together for the rest of it.  Goodness knows that I can use the extra sleep at this point too. 

New things include:
~"ups"=oops "Ti-ta"=Lita "vroom" "hop" "bye" "Oma" "Ut"=out "Sit" "Holp"=help "Wawa"=water "Vamos"=our release word when feeding Lita
~Working on signs for walk, playground and help
~Your bald spot has filled in!!!
~I am sure there is more that I am forgetting....

The biggest news of the month is that we learned that you will be gaining a BROTHER in January!  Your dad and I are pumped.  I am already picturing bunk beds and soccer games in the backyard.  :)

Baby Zwei, you are a mover and a shaker just like your brother was (and still is).  Every doctor I have seen that I has tried to listen to or see you has commented on how you will not stop moving.  Tell me about it.  You are quite persistent with your kicks these days.  Dad got to even feel you for the first time this week.

We had our level II ultrasound to check on you and all looks well except for one tiny, little thing that they want to check on again.  All that means is that we get to see you again in 3 weeks!  :)  The doctor wants to make sure that you are growing at an appropriate rate (that is, they found something that carries a small association with growth restriction), which I only find terribly amusing because I am already measuring at least 4 weeks ahead of where I should be AND they want to monitor you for being too big since your brother was so large.  Mixed messages much?  Several other tests have come back normal, so we are pretty much convinced at this point that the doctors are just being overly-cautious. 

It is official that as of your arrival, I will become a full time stay at home mom.  I know this will take some adjusting for all of us, but it is the best thing for all of us as well.

You just keep growing and shaking and being healthy and your brother will keep me plenty busy in the meantime.

Love you two kids,
momma

Baby Zwei: 16 weeks.

Dear baby,

you have baked for 16 weeks now.  Four whole months.  Parts of it have flown and parts of it have crawled, but, overall, it is definitely going faster than I imagined.  Maybe that is because I do not have any time to slow down these days?  Hmm...

We had another doc appointment this week.  I have started feeling you kicking more regularly... little thumps.  This was proven when the doc was trying to check your heartbeat and she claims to have seen you kick at the doppler wand.  Already?!  Just like your brother, you are a mover and a shaker.  She started measuring my belly this week too and I was afraid to ask the measurement, haha.  In four weeks or so, your dad and I will get to see you again.  Because of my slightly abnormal blood work, we will get an even longer peek than usual because the doc ordered a level 2 ultrasound for us.  This just looks at you and your surroundings even more in detail than the regular ultrasound to make sure once and for all that everything is a-okay.  

I have a bit more energy than I did the last several weeks, although I am getting more easily worn out physically.  Hip pains set in this week and I cannot carry your brother around as much as he would like.  I pounced on an Ergobaby carrier that I found at my favorite place, T.J. Maxx, this week, but he does not seem to love it quite yet.  I am very much looking forward to toting YOU around in it though.

We cannot wait to find out if you are a little brother or sister for Beck.

Love bunches, momma

Baby Eins: 20 months.

Dear Beck,

you are 20 months old now.  Where the heck is the time going?! 

Guess what???  You are going to be a big brother!!!  I know that will be an adjustment for you (and for all of us, really), but I think you will love it.  You really enjoy interacting with other kids right now, but I think it will be hard for you to share mom and dad.  You will make it through your second birthday and Christmas as an "only" and then you will become "the oldest."  Whoa.

I am certain that a TON has happened in the last two months, but Momma's memory is awful these days, little man.  Just awful.  So here is what I remember...

~We took our first trip to The Great North.  You and I both had a cold, but you loved every minute of it.  Loved being outside (despite the mosquitoes and ticks, ewww!), loved riding in the boat, and loved playing with Oma and grandpa.  Maybe next year you will catch your first fish.
~Still one nap a day, around 11.  Bedtime is at 8.  You have recently started waking early...  5:30, 5:15, as early as 4:30!  We are hoping this settles down once your teeth are done...
~Speaking of teeth, you have 18 now... 2 of your 2-year molars are in and we are just waiting on those last two!  They are ever so slowly working their way out.  We are so over teeth.
~Animal sounds--moo, quack, oink, neigh, woof, meow
~"Hi" "Mama (in context!)" and, finally, "dada"
~Signing more, milk, all done and please. 
~Letting us know when you need a diaper change.
~Letting us know when it is time for a nap or bed.
~Shaking your head (Uh-uh) and nodding (mm-hmm).
~You went through a week of hating bathtime (???), but now are back in love.
~Nursing twice a day still... at bedtime and early morning.  I think you might drop these when those teeth are done too, we shall see.
~Loving your Monster Jams monster trucks.  And play-doh.  And books.   And puzzles.   And going to the library.
~Bringing your dirty dishes to the dishwasher, your cup to the dispenser to be filled, and throwing trash in the garbage.
~Starting to really enjoy exploring the playground and even going down slides!!! 
~No official recent weight, but the scale at home says 26 pounds.
~Still wearing some 18 month clothes, but some bigger sizes as well. 

In general, you are a pretty happy kid.  You are the little boy at the library who always gives his toys away.  You seem fascinated by babies and other kids in general.  You love to be outside, you even like the rain.  But do not want to step in puddles... I am imagining that this will change.  :)

You still begin most nights in your crib and then come to bed with us when you wake-up.  Recently that has been around 10 pm, as you have been teething *and* ill.  We all get more sleep that way.  Our bedtime routine has not changed in a long time...  Nurse and story in the rocker, change into jams, brush teeth.  You turn out the lights and wave goodnight to the baby (a photo of you) in the hall.  Kisses.  Sing one or two songs in the rocker while we watch the star lights, then you go into your crib.  We sit with you until you drift off.  Normally, it only takes a few minutes.

I am so proud of the progress that we have made.  I recognize that in a few short months I will be starting all over again and I hope that I can be as patient with your brother or sister as I was with you. 

Love you, momma

Baby Zwei: Spinning (AKA The Phone Call)

This is the post I wrote shortly after hearing from the doctor.  I almost did not post it, but am doing so just because it is a part of this journey now.  See the update here.

Dear Baby zwei,

yesterday was a very good day.  Your daddy was working from home so we were all hanging out together.  Your brother was getting a reprieve from his teething agony and was in a good mood all day.  I even heard him yell "nein!" from the other room when he heard me saying "no!" to Lita.  That kid cracks me up.  We had a great dinner and Beckett and daddy had a fun bath time, which was a welcome change after the last several angry baths.  I was on bedtime duty and was singing your brother his lullabies after reading him a story when the phone rang.  Frustrated that someone would call during bedtime, I rejected the call and finished putting Beck to bed.  He drifted off peacefully and I tip-toed out.

Mystery caller had left a voicemail.  It was my doctor.  Calling at 8:15 at night.  And telling me to page her.

My heart jumped to my throat.  Surely this could not be good news.

I called the office and had Dr. Kim paged through the service.  She was at the hospital and returned my call nearly immediately.  She was reporting back on our NT scan and first trimester screen.  Your ultrasound was perfect and all looked well.  But my bloodwork came back slightly abnormal.  The doctor reported that instead of the usual less than 1 in 250 chance for a chromosomal abnormality that would result in Down Syndrome, our results had the odds of 1 in 68.  Baby, those are still very good odds, but I would be lying if I said that this news did not rock my world.  Your dad entered the room just as I was getting off the phone.  He took one look at my scribbled notes... "trisomy, amnio, harmony blood test, pregnancy loss, 1:68"... and just sat on the bed.  He held me while I cried harder than I have cried in a long time.  I cried until I could not breathe.  Until no more tears would come.  And I had not even told him what was happening.

When I finally stopped, I told him what the doctor had told me.  He listened.  He was quiet a moment.  And then he asked me what my gut said.  He put his hand on my growing belly and said that he believed that you were fine.  And I want to believe that so badly, my sweet little one, I do.  But mommy is not very good at remaining optimistic sometimes.  *sigh*

So, instead of falling asleep peacefully and reveling in the fact that we had a good day... I spent time googling scary topics on my ipad.  Wondering about what could be.  Trying to decide what to do.  Your dad sat next to me doing the same.

The doctor had suggested doing either an amniocentesis or a blood test called Harmony.  The amnio comes with risks of its own, but results are quick.  Harmony is just another blood test for me, totally non-invasive and therefore no risk to you, but the results are much slower.  We decided to do the blood test and I will be heading to the office after work today for the draw.  Then we will wait the agonizing 8-10 days to see what is in store.  I do not know that anything would change, but I need to know now.  I need to know. 

As I finally settled down to sleep, much later than usual, much later than I should have, my mind was racing.  I felt lost, confused, afraid, angry.  I did NOT want to be thinking about these things.  Was it not bad enough that I was stressing out about handling two kids already?  But, for some reason, I put my hand on my belly as I closed my eyes.  I immediately felt you.  I felt you moving in there.  I had felt little thumps already, but not like this.  I felt like maybe you were trying to tell me that it would all be okay.  That you were okay.

The logical side of my brain knows that a 1:68 chance means that 67 out of 68 times, everything is fine.  The logical side of my brain knows that that chance is even higher because there is a 5% false positive rate on these screens.  And they are just screens.  Just odds on a piece of paper.  Not diagnostic tests.  The other side of my brain...  well, it scares me.  

I sincerely hope that in a few short weeks (or less) we will find out that all this worry was for naught.  For now, we wait.

Love, momma

June 20, 2013: Baby Zwei: 10 weeks.

Dear Baby Zwei,

Things are getting real around here, kiddo. My belly is resembling
that of a 40 year old male who drinks a little too much beer.
Translation: while I am not yet wearing full blown maternity gear, I
am no longer able to totally button my pants either. Oh, this is going
to be so fun!!

Truth, baby: I am still slightly terrified. But the scale is starting
to sway more towards excitement now. We had our first prenatal
appointment with Dr. Kim two weeks ago. Your dad and brother came
along. Brother. I was never sure if Beck would BE. A brother. Amazing.
Anyway, the appointment went very well. My doctor was very calm about
the whole thing. She said we would monitor your size closely (since
your brother was a big one) and make decisions accordingly. It was
exactly what I needed to hear and was a big mental and emotional
relief.

We took your first photo. Always mind-blowing to think that little
blobby will be a person soon. We saw your little heart thumping away
at 178 bpm.

Our close family all knows now. We definitely dropped some jaws. :)
But in a good way. We originally had our parents all convinced that
they would have to be satisfied with grand-dogs so the fact that they
will soon have 2 grand kids really surprised them.

I know that this will be harder than I can even possibly imagine. But
I also know that it will all be worth it. I cannot wait to watch you
grow up with your brother. For now, I will have to settle for watching
my belly grow. And grow, it shall.

May 14, 2013: Baby Zwei: Hello!

So!  Now that the "big secret" is out, I can share all the drafts that I have saved.  Fair warning that there will be one more drama-filled post that I wrote immediately following The Phone Call.  It all seems blown out of proportion now.  I mean, 1 in 68, no big, right?  But I assure, those odds are far more ominous when it is YOU that are facing them.  

Dear Baby Zwei,

It was two days after Mother's Day when we found out about you.  I had been suspicious for a couple days, but between your dad's birthday, Mother's Day, and spending a day with Oma, I did not have time to get any answers.  It was a Tuesday evening when I took the test.  Your dad had just come home from work, we were dropping my car off to be repaired, your brother was in his usual pre-dinner fussy phase.  I needed to just get away for a moment.  Little did I know how much that moment would change our future.

The test was positive.  Blaringly so.  Not a doubt.

Whoa.

Your dad and I had discussed the possibility of having another baby in the not so distant future, but I was so not prepared for this.  I cried, Baby.  Not because I was sad, but because I was so scared.  Scared for you.  Scared for your brother.  Scared that I could not, *would not* be a good enough momma for both of you.  Scared because those early days are hard, Baby.  On everyone.  Your dad just smiled at me.  He reminded me that we wanted this.  We DO want this.  *I* do want this.  And I know that somehow, someway, it will all be alright. 

I am already getting excited at the thought of watching you and your brother grow-up together.  I truly feel like giving Beck a sibling is a wonderful gift.

It will be awhile still before I go to the doctor.  For right now, your dad and I are the only ones that know, but I am not sure how long my belly will keep our secret.  It is going to be a very interesting year, little one.

Love, momma

8 business days.

This is not really how I intended to announce, but that is how life goes sometimes.  I thought about just erasing this draft and starting all over, but that felt fake too.  So, here goes...

Day 0.  Thursday.  My appointment was scheduled for 4:45.  I left work early to make it on time.  There were three others in the waiting area with me.  They were all called in, one by one.  Minutes ticked by.  I browsed magazines.  I played sudoku on my phone.  I messaged with my husband. Waiting, waiting.  I only needed to see a phlebotomist, not the doctor.   And yet, everyone else got called before me.  5:30.  My doctor appeared in the doorway and said it would just be a moment longer, but I could come back and ask any questions I had.  I wandered back in to one of the familiar rooms.  Did I have questions?  Yes, lots.  But I was not sure how many of them were appropriate right then.  So I asked the easy ones.  I asked for numbers and was given a printout.  I asked if we would be given an answer and was told "yes, with 99% accuracy."  Most of the time I would take 99%. The doctor left.  Waiting, waiting.  The phlebotomist finally came in.  I chose the other arm this time.  Tight, tight, impossibly tight tourniquet.  Two large vials of blood to collect.  It was like she was trying to squeeze it out of me.  "I want to get these as full as possible," she said.  I only nodded, my hand was going numb.  Finally, done.  Band-aid. "We'll call you soon."  Not soon enough.

Rewind.

Day -1.  Wednesday.  It was a good day.  I do not remember the details now, it was a Wednesday, I was home with Beck all day.  He had his first non-angry bath in a couple days.  I had finally announced to the rest of our friends and family on Facebook that we were expecting.  I had read Beck his story and was singing him his lullabies when the phone started ringing.  I did not recognize the number and chose to ignore it to finish putting him to bed.  I put Beck in his crib after his songs and sat quietly while he drifted off to sleep.  Then I snuck into my bedroom to investigate the mystery call.  There was a voicemail.  I listened, I returned the call.  The conversation that took place on the phone and immediately thereafter is detailed in a separate post (here) so I will not repeat it all here.  The short version is that the bloodwork from my NT scan on Monday had come back abnormal.  The projected risk for our baby to have Down Syndrome was calculated at 1:68.  I am choosing my words very carefully... projected risk.  My numbers were put into a calculator and these are the odds we were given.  It is a small chance, but still a chance.  And it was something that made me feel very lost, confused, worried, upset.  Sent me searching for answers, where there are none to be found.  I cried myself to sleep that night and did not share my first definite recognition of a little being thumping in my belly with my husband.

Fast forward.

Day 1.  Friday.  I had my blood drawn the day before and was told that it would be 8-10 business days for the results.  Results that I realize now would not *change* anything... but would at least provide an answer.  We hoped.  I had work that day, so was mostly able to stay distracted.  But there were occasional google searches...  "first trimester screen abnormal," "high hcg in pregnancy," "low papp-a in pregnancy," "nt scan and downs risk."  Some info was comforting, some was terrifying.  And so it goes with Dr. Google.

Saturday and Sunday passed in a blur.  I worked on Saturday as well and mainly kept busy, but now I found myself looking at other kinds of websites.  "Down Syndrome Pregnancy."  "Life with Down Syndrome."  "National Down Syndrome Society."  I learned a lot.  I quickly came to the realization that things were not as bleak as I had imagined.  Most children born with Downs do experience some degree of developmental delay, but are perfectly normal kids.  Many of them are able to attend regular schools (with the assistance of tutors) and even hold down jobs.  And the one thing that I was constantly reading about is how their parents describe them as the happiest children they have ever known.  But there were also physical defects to think about.  Heart defects are the most common, often requiring one or multiple surgeries to repair.  There is a higher chance of hearing issues.  And a somewhat increased risk of developing leukemia.  This was a lot to process.  My husband was remaining quiet on the subject after our initial conversation.  I assumed that he was not thinking about it, was waiting for the test results, was doing just fine in "hoping for the best."

Day 2.  Monday.  Back to the usual routine.  Grocery shopping with Beck and mom.  Working through nap time on my part-time-from-home job.  Still the occasional googling.  Now I scoured message boards on babycenter.  "Down Syndrome Pregnancy."  "Prenatal Testing."  "Poor Prenatal Prognosis."  There were so many stories similar to mine.  So many woman waiting and wondering.  Mostly just wanting to know.  I was floundering.  I asked myself questions that I did not want to consider.  I did not want to be thinking about any of this!  I just wanted to be enjoying my pregnancy.  I wanted to be happy and excited!  I felt like my life had been put on pause.

Finally, my husband and I spoke about it all.  He asked me what was bothering me that evening after Beck was asleep and I just looked at him and exclaimed "How could you *not* know what is bothering me?"  We discussed a lot of things that night.  How scared I was, how worried I was about how having a special needs child would affect our family (immediate and extended).  How I was not sure I could handle it all.  Would we have real lives anymore?  How would it affect Beckett?  Surely this would change everything!  "Yes," he said, "just like any new baby would."  Would I be able to see past a genetic mistake and LOVE my child?  That last one sounds so cruel...  But I am a scientist.  I know that Trisomys are a result of a fluke in cell division, a "mistake."  My husband stopped me there.  He knew where I was coming from, from the scientist perspective, but he was very firm in saying that this baby was no mistake.  And I understand where HE is coming from there... we definitely wanted this child.  Finally, the toughest questions of all.  What would we do if the test came back positive?  Did we still want this baby?  Trisomy 21 is the best case scenario when it comes to Trisomys.  Most people consider Trisomy 13 or 18 "incompatible with life."  Lovely phrasing there.  I do not believe that I am mentally or emotionally capable of carrying a baby to term only to have it be stillborn or to watch that baby die in my arms.  Trisomy 21 though... that is a whole 'nother ballgame.  Estimates vary as to how many pregnancies are terminated as a result of a T21 diagnosis.  Anyway, my husband asked me what I would want to do and I answered quite honestly that I did not know.  He took a moment, then looked at me very sincerely and said that this was our baby.  A baby we wanted.  A baby that will need love and care just like Beckett did.  Just like our broken dog did.  And we can handle it.  We can handle anything.  And yes, there were a heck of a lot more tears in there as well.  But, somehow, just getting all these thoughts out; these scary, horrible, guilt-inducing thoughts, that no one should ever have to think about during their pregnancy, made me feel better.  I even started to believe him.  And I actually slept well that night.

Day 3.  Tuesday.  I somehow felt more at peace.  No matter what happened, I knew I had my husband and that we really could deal with anything.  I found joy in small things.  There was still some worry, some "what ifs," and googling.  But, mostly, I was okay.  We went to bed early that night, but did not talk... 

Day 4.  Wednesday.  One week later, for the first time since receiving The Phone Call, I felt little kicks from my baby.  My baby.

Day 5.  Thursday.  A work day.  A bit of an escape, but the petty problems seemed so trivial.  Maybe that is a good thing.  Perspective.  I found myself wondering how we would tell our families and found myself considering making a video similar to the one we used to announce our first pregnancy.  It is very strange the things you will find yourself thinking about.

Day 6.  Friday.  Back to work.  Started posting on some of the babycenter boards just to help pass the time.  It always helps to know that other have gone through the same thing or are currently going through it with you.  I am not alone. 

Saturday and Sunday, again passed in a blur.  We had a rare Beck-free day on Saturday.  Being the party animals that we are, we spent it cleaning and reorganizing the house.  And we saw Despicable Me 2.

Day 7. Monday, again. I could not help but feel an impending sense of doom. Terrible truths, but we were reaching the point when the phone could ring at any moment and tell us news that would change our worlds. I felt a sense of peace at the same time, almost expecting it now. I really just needed to know. During the daily routine there are so many moments that pass, that just for a second you imagine how that moment will go when there are 2 kiddos instead of 1 present. I needed to be able to picture things. To have an idea of what was coming my way. Whatever it was, we would handle it, but I needed to KNOW. To prepare. To change my expectations.

Day 8. Tuesday. The day began at 4:30 am. Someday, these molars will be out and my first born will sleep again, until then we all suffer. I made some very unsatisfying decaf coffee and was in a wretched mood. Thankfully, a trip to the park in the morning made us both feel better. We came home, had a snack, and proceeded to take a much needed 2 and a half hour nap. Lovely. Then it was lunch, errands, playing outside some more. We were actually having a wonderful day afterall. At 4:15, the phone rang. It was a number I recognized. My first thought was "it's still offic hours, this could not be my doctor." It was not my doctor, it was one of the nurses. "Your Harmony bloodwork came back with the lowest possible risk." Oh what fantastic words those were! I asked a couple questions, but really had the information that I needed most of all. I waited until my husband was home to tell him the news. I would be lying if I did not admit that we were both hugely relieved. I felt like I could breathe again. Like I could stop trying to ignore the fact that I was pregnant. Like I no longer had to cringe whenever anyone asked about or mentioned my pregnancy. I did not know what to say! So I tried to not think about it at all. But now I knew. I finally knew. My baby had "typical chromosomes."

I have learned a lot over the course of the last 14 days. I think that I can handle a lot more than I give myself credit for. I have learned a lot more about Down Syndrome and what it means. I have learned that a lot of the assumptions that I had about Downs are simply not true. Sometime in the not so far off future, I hope to start volunteering some of my time in some way or another. There are several buddy groups that I came across. I think it would be great to get the kids exposed to kids who are different from them at a young age. There are still always plenty of things to worry about. You could spend your whole life worrying. I guess I will always have a small bit of worry until I am holding this new baby in my arms. I hope I am done worrying for awhile, I am looking forward to enjoying this pregnancy from here on out. But I definitely know that I will never look at another person with Down Syndrome in the same way.

The one about Religion: I went to a wake recently...

Mary, my cousins' grandmother on their dad's side of the family, passed away.   This woman was 96 and had led a very full life.  She was a mother of four, a grandmother of 16, and a great-grandmother to 21.  She lived in the same house for 54 years, up until about 2 years ago, when she moved in with one of her daughters.  Point is, she was a well-loved woman.  She was also "old-school" Catholic, which meant an open casket at the wake, with prayers, followed by a full mass at church the next morning, procession to the cemetery, etc.  I am all for people getting the... end... that they desire, but there is something so creepy to me about the open casket.

The family did a beautiful job of displaying photos of this woman's life.  There were multiple collages and photo albums, displays of wedding pictures and holding (many) newborns for the first time.  I soaked them up.  I just do not understand why that is not enough.  Why would we not want to remember our loved ones as they were, happy in life, instead of the way they are now?  I guess some like tradition and others like closure, but I was happy to hear that none of my loved ones want this type of event. 

ANYWAY, the officiant (pastor? priest? I never know.) who led the prayers talked a lot about how we should view this event as a celebration of a life well-lived.  That we should not wear black, a color of sorrow, but that we should wear joyful colors.  I LOVED this sentiment, but good luck making progress on that change.  He spoke about how Mary would go to Heaven because she was a woman of service.  She served her community, her church, her family.  I loved how he spoke about how important being a mom is: that no one is ever "just" a mom, she is also a provider, a teacher. 

I guess the part that bothered me was the discussion on heaven versus hell.  It was said that Mary would go to heaven for her service.  If there is such a place... and I do believe there is "somewhere," I just do not know *what* exactly... I am certain that she is there.  She was just a lovely woman!  The stereotypical perfect grandmother.  The officiant spoke of sheep and goats and how Mary was a sheep and would therefore find eternal life.  I guess I need to look more into where these analogies come from because my mind does not necessarily attach anything positive to being termed a "sheep."  And what is so terrible about goats, anyway?  This was the kicker though, apparently you can be a good person and still be a "goat" if you lack service to the church, if you have not been baptized, if you do not dedicate yourself to serving Jesus.  Really?  Because one chooses not to participate in an organized religion, one is relegated to the same fate as truly evil folk?  I have a problem with this notion.  Or is this the circles of hell concept, where "minor goats" will have a very different experience from "major goats."  I have no idea.  Again, I have not done enough research on the topic yet, but these were my thoughts coming out of the wake.  

I am still thinking a lot about many different religious topics lately, despite my lack of posting.  I am reading and thinking.  Things have been a bit crazy the last month and a half and they are bound to settle down soon.  Right?!  We shall see.  For now, I am going to strive to be the very best person, mom, wife, employee, daughter, that I can be.... if that makes me a goat, so be it. 

18 months. One and a half years.

Dear Beck,

one and a half years.  Sounds so much older than 18 months, no?  Oh my, little man.  I cannot believe you have been in our lives for one and a half years.  Half the time I still cannot believe that I am lucky enough to be your mommy. 

New this month... 
~"uh-oh" "socks"
~climbing the whole staircase
~pointing to go outside
~grabbing our hands to walk the sidewalk
~sidewalk chalk
~you are now an iPad pro...scary
~ONE nap a day
~dropped (?) another nursing, down to 2 nursings a day
~walking with your arms down...but not quite running, yet
~survived your second (a double!) ear infection
~33.5 inches tall, 23 lbs 14 oz.
~Size 18 month clothes, some 2T stuff as well

It does not really seem like a lot of huge changes, but you are definitely acting even more like a little boy these days.  When we are outside, you choose to dig in the dirt, collect sticks, poke bugs.  But you also enjoy carrying around flowers.  :)  I think the single nap a day schedule has been easier on you than it has on me!  Indoors you like to play with your playdoh, stack things, drive your cars around, roll on the sofa, read books.  You are also starting to pay A LOT more attention to Lita, your doggy companion.  We need to remind you to be nice when you get overexcited sometimes, but you are usually very good.  

This Saturday we embark on another adventure with you!  Our vacation in the "North Woods" begins.  You are going to have so much fun this year.  I wish that it would be warm enough for swimming but it is looking like that will not be the case.  Oh well.  All we have to do is survive the car ride.  :) 

Love you bunches, my monster.  Momma

17 months.

Dear Beck,

it has been two months since I have written about you and looking back at the 15 month post, I cannot believe how much has changed.

Let me think...
~you finally started pointing last month and now you point at everything
~if there is something you want, you point AND grunt, charming
~you now say 'dah' (dog), 'woof,' 'up,' 'ish' (this).
~you sign 'more' and 'milk'
~you understand a TON and I can give you simple directions "put your cars away," "give this to daddy," "go wash your hands"
~you give high-fives and fist bumps
~you like shooting hoops with dad
~you are obsessed with your window crayons and enjoy play-doh as well
~you love being outside and people-watching
~you love music and will bob your head right along with daddy's loud music (he is so proud)
~you always kiss us goodbye
~you LOVE when your Grandma and Oma come to visit
~you enjoy truck sounds and have started making then while you play with your monster trucks
~you have had 16 teeth for awhile now (got all four canines at 15 months) and I suspect the second set of molars is starting to bother you occasionally as well (only 4 more to go!)
~you are still a great eater and have definitely started exhibiting some preferences

Phew!  You also had your first major illness.  :(  The day AFTER your 15-month well visit, you were definitely off.  You were home with daddy that day and he took you back to the doc.  You were diagnosed with an ear infection.  A nasty ear infection that gave you 104.3* fever that night.  My poor pumpkin, you were absolutely burning up!  That was our first parenting moment where we were wondering what to do.  The debate of "do we go to the hospital or are we over-reacting" was raging.  You were due for another dose of Tylenol at that point and, thankfully, your fever broke then.  You were only content snuggled up on my chest and slept that way most of the night.  It took a couple days and a course of antibiotics (which you took happily, just like all the other medicines you have received), but you bounced back pretty quickly.  Fingers crossed that was our first and last.

We took our first trip to Ohio to visit your Gpa and Nona for Easter.  You were a great little traveler, as usual.  You do not get to see them too often, but we still Skype every weekend and you are starting to get really comfortable with them.

Just in this last week, you have started walking confidently.  You now do lap through the kitchen and living rooms and enjoy walking the driveway outside as well.

Your dad and I also took you for your first haircut this weekend.  It is absolutely amazing what taking a little fuzz off can do--you look like a little boy now, not a baby.  Which, I guess, is exactly what you are...  Growing too fast, kiddo.

Love you bunches,
Momma

The one about Religion: a history and a beginning.

Things are about to get heavy in here.  I normally stay away from the more controversial of topics, but I found myself thinking about Religion, Faith, and Spirituality a lot over this past weekend and I really just need a place to purge some of these thoughts as I try to make sense of it all.  This is your disclaimer to skip this post if you are easily offended or just do not care.  :)

My thoughts are really jumbled right now, so this will probably be hard to follow. 

We took our first trip to Ohio to visit my husband's dad and step-mom.  They are regular church-goers; we are not.  They celebrate the religious aspect of the Easter holiday; we "celebrate" the bunny and chocolate.  They have crucifixes up in their house; I think they are kinda creepy. 

Let me back up...

My mom went to Catholic school.  She had services every morning before class as a regular part of her day.  My dad went to church growing up too, but I honestly do not even know what church he was a part of (not a Catholic one).  Basically his mom forced him to go and once he was able to stop going, he did.  So, since my parents were both forced to go, I guess they decided to force me to go as well.  I went to CCD and occasionally to services on Sundays.  Dad did not attend, so it was just me and my mom.  Going to church was still not a high priority on her list, so we were not there often.  I had my first communion.  I even made it to my first confession.  I do not even remember how old I was at this time.  11?  Maybe?  Dunno.  This is where things went bad.  I think it was for my second or third confession that I chose to go face-to-face.  This is where, instead of sitting in the confessionals, blocked by walls and screens, you just sit in a room with the priest and chat.  What exactly does an 11 year-old have to confess anyway?  "I talked back to mom and dad.  I didn't do what I was told.  I only made it to church once this month."  Oops.  Yeah.  That last one?  That did not go over well.  I do not remember exactly what was said to me.  All I know is that although I held out during the time that I was seated in that chair, I left the church that night in tears.  This representative of the church had basically told me that I was evil for not going to church every Sunday.  That my parents were evil for not taking me to church every Sunday.  That I needed to beg forgiveness for all of us.  Really?  This seemed so wrong to me.  I thought I was a pretty good kid.  And my parents were my world, how could they be evil?!  Anyway, it took a lot of coaxing, but I finally told my mom why I was so upset.  I am sure by then that she had formulated much worse things in her head.  She then told me that she had had a very similar experience growing up.  That she had told her pastor that her parents did not attend church regularly and pastor had told her that they were wrong.  Never mind the fact that they were immigrants who did not understand English.  Or that they often worked on Sundays to pay for their two daughters.  I stopped attending CCD and church after that night.  I just refused to go.  My mother tried on several occasions to enroll me in other programs just so I could get confirmed.  In case I ever wanted to get married in a Catholic church, she said.  I went a few times, but I always ended up dropping out of those programs before finishing.  I was completely disappointed with "The Church" as a whole.  Of course I have no idea if every church was like this, but this experience definitely ruined it for me. 

Fast forward...

I am college-educated.  Have an MS in a biology field, even.  Trained in research and deciphering data.  Data which show results of carefully formulated experiments.  Experiments that demonstrate processes that you can actually SEE with your own eyes.  See where this is going yet?  I admit that I do not remember a lot from my CCD and church days, but as I sat in church services with my in-laws this weekend, Easter weekend, and listened to the stories about Jesus rising from the dead...  Well, I felt an overwhelming sense of disbelief.  And do not get me started on the immaculate conception.  (And let's ignore dinosaurs and evolution as well for now.)  My brain cannot process this.  I do not understand how anyone can believe these things.  I have no faith.

This is not to say that I think people that go to church are dumb.  I actually find myself kind of envious of the people that can believe in something without ever seeing it.  With no evidence at all.  These people have Faith.  They just *know* something.  They feel it in their bones.  That is pretty darn amazing.  I do not know what I believe anymore.  I think I believe in a Higher Power, but I am not sure that it is this version that I read about in the bible so many years ago.  Like I said, my brain just does not understand how religion and science are compatible at this point.  And that might just be because science is all that I have been exposed to for the last...20 years?

I started thinking about what I would tell my son as he is getting older.  What will his beliefs be?  Of course, he will only be exposed to these things if we choose to expose him.  I would very much like for him to make his own decisions about these things.  Of course, that means that I have to educate myself.  Again.  And for the first time in some regard.  I have decided that during our next trip to the library, along with books for my little man, I will be getting a book on religion.  I am not sure what the title will be, maybe it will just be a bible.  I have no idea.  And it will likely take me months to finish it.  But I want to start and I need to start somewhere.  This will be a long journey, one that I will certainly struggle with.

If you have any suggestions for a skeptic, let me know. 

15 months.

Dear Beck,

you are 15 BIG months old.  The last month has been a bit rough for our household, but not because of you.  We did have some fun in there too! 

We took our first plane ride with you.  We went to visit Nona's mom and dad in Colorado.  Beck, you were a dream on the plane.  I was so stressed out about the ride, but you were awesome.  You snacked and slept and gave us nothing to worry about.  We had a lot of fun visiting with family in CO.  The mountains were beautiful, but of course you are too young to appreciate them now.  You continued to be a good traveler and tolerated our many long car rides quite well.  We visited with a former co-worker of mine as well.  They have a little boy too, who is almost 2 years old.  You really enjoyed having a new playmate.  You slept well.  You ate well.  You bonded with Nona and G'pa.  It was good.  The only downside to the trip was that I caught norovirus somewhere along the way.  Was *very* ill on our second to last day.  We still managed to make it to the Exotic Animal Sanctuary on our last day and then flew home.  Your dad got sick that night.  You were mostly spared from that illness, but got a doozy of a cold the next week.  You are actually still sick now a week later and awoke with a fever this morning.  Poor pumpkin.  You are home with daddy today and I am at work.  I cannot lie, I feel guilty being here while you are not feeling well.  :(

We had your 15 month doctor visit just yesterday and you grew like a weed these last 3 months.  Well, in one direction anyway.  You grew 3 inches up!  But did not gain any weight.  Your doctor is not worried since you have been sick and you are still growing, but want us to try to fatten you up a bit and go back for a weight check in a few weeks.  We also discussed the fact that you are not talking yet.  You did start saying "dah" this week for dog.  Goodness, there is the Cesar dog food commercial that comes on during Pit Boss (yeah, we watch Pit Boss together during lunch) and you LOVE it. 



You watch and smile and look at me and smile and then look back.  Sometimes you say "dah."  It makes my heart MELT.  Anyway, your doctor is not worried about this either since you babble a ton and are learning new sounds and definitely understand what we are saying to you.  I am certain that once you start talking we will not be able to make you stop anyway.  :)

Although you recently took your first unassisted steps, you are not walking on your own regularly.  You prefer to cruise or crawl when you want to get somewhere quickly.  We convince you to practice once in a while and you showed off your skills a bit while we in CO for Nona and G'pa as well.  I am only eager for you to start walking so your hands and clothes would be less covered in dog hair and dirt since I am a terrible housekeeper these days.

We are still nursing, but it has dropped off some to only three or four times a day.  This has been entirely your choosing so I am okay with it.  I have hung up the pump this week as well.  Not quite sure how I feel about that yet, but it is nice to have one less bag to pack.  I am so proud that we have made it this long though.  I know it is what saved you from getting norovirus with the rest of us.  Family still sometimes asks when we will stop and I think that is mostly because I am the first in the family to breastfeed longer than 3 months.  I am in no rush, little man. 

I have a feeling there are big things coming our way soon.  But then I think I have been saying that for awhile now.  :)  Hopefully, we can all just stay healthy (get healthy!) for the next month or so.

Love and kisses,
Momma

Everyday I'm toddlin'.

Uh-oh.  I think I officially have a toddler on my hands. 

My little man took his first four very zombie-like steps on Wednesday while we were at the library.  He was so happy to be crawling around, playing with new toys, seeing other kids.  We were taking a break, sitting on a bench together for a moment.  He wanted down so I lifted him down.  He stood there a second, smiled and giggled a bit and then took four steps away from me before plopping down on that fluffy tush.  I think I let my surprise get the better of me a bit because I heard myself saying "What are you doing, you silly?!"  Obviously it was a bit louder than I thought because once he was sitting I looked around and two other moms were staring at me.  I had to explain that those were his first unassisted steps.  :)  Meanwhile, B was so proud he was sitting there clapping.  What a character.  I was so happy to witness those first steps!  If only dad could have been there too. 

Dad got his chance to witness some wobbly steps too since he was home with B yesterday while I was at work.  My husband reported frequently throughout the day that B was taking a few steps here and there before falling into his arms.  Quite the game he had discovered. 

Then, this morning...  THIS....

Sorry about the squeaky mommy voice. 

We are in trouble. 

14 months.

Dear Beck,

You are 14 months old and we have been having so much fun lately. I like to think that it is because I am starting to "get you" better.  There used to be many days where I would feel overwhelmed, frustrated.  Those days have been fewer over the last several months.  So many new things!

You love to clap.  Anytime we say "yay" you clap and smile.  Cutest. Thing. Ever.  You wave hello and goodbye now.  You still are wordless, but you understand a lot.  I swear I heard you say dog the other day.  You babble a ton.  Your new favorite sounds are "guh" and "ssss". You babble mamamamamama too.

You cruise like crazy.  Can get on and off your push train by yourself.  Love to push that and pretty much anything else that moves, even if it is not meant to, all over the house.   You just figured out how to scoot while riding your train in the last couple days.

Baths are still your favorite.  Your favorite toys are things that roll (balls and water bottles), things that stack or nest (including the metal mixing bowls in the kitchen cabinet), and paper.  You love books.  Especially touch books.  You recently consumed a page of "Pat the bunny" while home with dad.  Okay, not the entire page, just part of it.  The page with the bunny.  Weirdo.  We read before bed every night and I think you actually look forward to it.  Most nights.

You climb the stairs now.  You climb the stool in the bathroom to reach the sink so we can wash your hands before meals.  You still love to eat.  You eat three full meals plus a snack a day.  On top of our four nursing sessions.  Your dad and I are always amazed at just how much you can consume.  At your nine-month appointment your doctor told us that we should give you all the solids you want until you stop eating.  That has NEVER happened.  Yum.

You are a great shopping partner and errand runner.  As long as you can see what is going on around you, you are mostly content just to look around.

You are wearing 18 and 24 month clothes now. Your first set of molars finally came in, so you have 12 teeth now.  Your upper canines are just starting to poke out.

You went through about a week of only taking one nap a day, but have been back to two naps regularly.  I think we are approaching a point where you will drop the second one though.  Sadness.

This will be a big month for us.  You will take your first plane ride when we go to Colorado!  I am a nervous wreck about the plane ride, but, knowing you, there will be plenty for you to look at to keep you occupied.

It seems like you are doing something new every day.  A new adventure awaits with every sunrise!  It has been so much fun watching you figure things out the last couple months.

Love you bunches, Mama

Resolutions.

I have never been big on resolutions.  I guess I do not see the point if they only last a few weeks at a time.  I think that change needs to come about or be pursued because we WANT it, not just because we happened to reach a certain date on a calendar.  All that aside though, I have been reading a lot of blog posts about resolutions.  This one in particular struck a chord with me--Start Now!  Because, yeah, there really is no "perfect" time for things.  So, some things that I am hoping to Start Now in 2013. 

~I would like to start an Etsy shop.  My mom and I have been talking about doing this for awhile now.  She would really be the main owner/creative force behind it and I would be supporting cast, but I want to quit talking about it and do it!  We need to get answers to some questions about setting things up and doing it the right way.  I am really hoping this comes together soon though.  I am itching to start creating things and this would give me good reason. 

~I would like to start worrying less and enjoying more.  I would not say that I am stressed out all the time, but I do worry a lot.  And it's mostly about how my little is going to respond to situations.  Or how others (family, friends, and strangers alike) are going to respond to HIS reactions.  I will sort of be jumping in the deep end on this next month when we take our first plane trip as a family.  Yes, I am worried about the flight.  Seriously.  I do not want to be that family with the screaming toddler that is annoying everyone and getting dirty looks.  But, I can only control so much.  I hate hate HATE that anyone would think my kid is a "bad kid."  I have been guilty of that myself before I became a parent!  Watching a child scream and cry in a grocery store and thinking either a) why is that mom not *doing* something? or b) geez, that kid is out of control!  Shame on me.  I know now that one episode (or even 100!) do not necessarily a bad kid (or parent!) make.  My kid is not a bad kid.  Maybe he is just having a bad day.  Like we all do.  But he is incapable of saying "I'm tired and cranky."  It is what it is.  I really dislike that phrase, but it is so so true. 

~Going hand in hand with that last one, I would like to be more happy!  Happy is a state of mind.  I am lucky enough right now to be involved with the beta testing of a new social networking site that is focused on seeing the good, the positive, the Happy! in life.  And I am really, really enjoying it.  I have noticed that since I have started using it, I am posting less and less on Facebook.  I find Facebook to be so negative these days.  Everyone seems to be complaining about something.  And yes, if we look, we can all find something to complain about.  But why not change our attitude and find something to be happy about???  Happy makes you feel good.  Happy makes the struggles easier because you can recognize the ways in which you are blessed.  Happy is contagious.  It is not always easy.  We are surrounded by so much negativity that it is easy to get dragged down by it.  This is still something that I am working on, but I am making progress. 

Those are my biggies!  There are other small things as well.  I want to finally sell some unused "stuff" online (listed a couple items this week and already have my first sale!) and donate more as well.  I want to start taking more pictures again and not just of my little.  I want to have more date nights with my husband because we deserve them.

It is time to Start Now. 

Dogs and kids.

I have been thinking about writing a post about this for awhile now. It is something that I consider extremely important and, oftentimes, extremely overlooked. I am talking about dog and child safety.

When I first started writing this blog, a lot of the posts focused on my dog, Lita.
As with any shelter dog, she came with baggage. We had no idea of her experiences before she came to live with us. When we brought her home I started doing a lot of research into training methods to help her. We worked with an excellent trainer for a long time. We have made a great deal of progress with Lita. And have worked very hard to get here. When I learned that I was pregnant, I was overjoyed. But also a little nervous. Nervous about how our dog would react. Does that sound crazy?

My dog is not my baby, but she a part of my family. She trusts me. I have worked hard to earn that trust. She trusts that when I am with her she is safe and I will not put her in an unsafe situation. I will not ask her to do something that she cannot handle. I knew when I learned that I was pregnant, that we would have to work hard to maintain that trust. I knew that I would expect my child to respect Lita and to have boundaries when it comes to interactions with her. I knew that for both of their safeties, they would not be left unsupervised together. Ever.

We have all seen pictures in a forwarded email or shared on Facebook of a dog with a baby propped next to them. Or maybe it's a smiling child, giving a dog a hug. The dog is sitting there with eyes carefully averted away from the small hands. Maybe its ears are back. Or its feet are tense. Subtle, subtle cues. Indicating that all is not well. Before I knew enough to detect those cues, I used to think those photos were cute too. Alternatively, maybe you have heard a friend or family member say proudly "Those kids can do anything to that dog!" Again, I used to think that was a good thing.

Now, as a relatively knowledgable dog owner AND as a parent, those things make me cringe.

I believe that it is children that need to be taught to interact properly with animals and not the other way around. They should learn that it is not okay to pull a dog's ears or tail. To pet them gently. That most dogs do not like hugs. To leave them alone while they are eating and when they are in their bed. A dog needs a safe place where they can escape. Obviously, very small children cannot understand the rules. It falls on the parents to enforce them. These rules are all in place in our house. They may seem extreme to some. Those same people that say 'my kids can do anything to our dog.' There are two problems with this scenario.

1) Are you sure your dog is okay with what it happening? Have you really watched? Have you watched the eyes, ears, tail, toes? One concept that I learned from my training experience with my own dog is the idea of The Bank. All positive experiences add to The Bank, while negative ones take away. You want to keep adding to The Bank, so, when you least expect it, and you are in a bad situation, your dog will have something to draw on. To allow YOU make a choice for him. When The Bank is empty, the dog is forced to make a choice. Not all dogs will reach a breaking point in their tolerance levels, but many will. Those negative interactions with kids subtract from The Bank. The dog is also learning that interactions with the kids mean uncomfortable things and no one will stop it. Kids become a scary thing. Does he continue to just sit there and take it or stop it himself? The key to peaceful family interactions is not having to put your dog in the situation to make that decision in the first place. If every situation is monitored and only good things happen during those interactions, then, should it ever be needed!, The Bank will be good and full and while your dog may get surprised by an random negative encounter, he will not feel a need to make a decision.

2) Kids generalize. If they treat their own dog in a certain way, giving hugs for example, they will think that they can hug all dogs. Wow. I cannot tell you how many kids have come up to my dog and just stuck their hands in her face or tried to hug her. And I cannot emphasize enough how dangerous this is!! Some dogs just are not around kids a lot and can be afraid of them. After all, kids are noisy and unpredictable and may be at the perfect height to look a dog in the eye. Some dogs have already had bad experiences with kids. Either way, you just cannot know. Children (or parents!) should ALWAYS ask before petting an unknown dog. And they should be taught proper dog manners--do not reach over their head, let them come to you, etc.

I am hopeful that my son will grow up with a proper respect for our dog and for animals in general. As he gets older, I plan to give him added responsibility when it comes to Lita. He will be able to feed her and let her outside. For now, I will continue to monitor interactions, making them as positive as possible for both of them!