This is the post I wrote shortly after hearing from the doctor. I almost did not post it, but am doing so just because it is a part of this journey now. See the update here.
Dear Baby zwei,
yesterday was a very good day. Your daddy was working from home so we were all hanging out together. Your brother was getting a reprieve from his teething agony and was in a good mood all day. I even heard him yell "nein!" from the other room when he heard me saying "no!" to Lita. That kid cracks me up. We had a great dinner and Beckett and daddy had a fun bath time, which was a welcome change after the last several angry baths. I was on bedtime duty and was singing your brother his lullabies after reading him a story when the phone rang. Frustrated that someone would call during bedtime, I rejected the call and finished putting Beck to bed. He drifted off peacefully and I tip-toed out.
Mystery caller had left a voicemail. It was my doctor. Calling at 8:15 at night. And telling me to page her.
My heart jumped to my throat. Surely this could not be good news.
I called the office and had Dr. Kim paged through the service. She was at the hospital and returned my call nearly immediately. She was reporting back on our NT scan and first trimester screen. Your ultrasound was perfect and all looked well. But my bloodwork came back slightly abnormal. The doctor reported that instead of the usual less than 1 in 250 chance for a chromosomal abnormality that would result in Down Syndrome, our results had the odds of 1 in 68. Baby, those are still very good odds, but I would be lying if I said that this news did not rock my world. Your dad entered the room just as I was getting off the phone. He took one look at my scribbled notes... "trisomy, amnio, harmony blood test, pregnancy loss, 1:68"... and just sat on the bed. He held me while I cried harder than I have cried in a long time. I cried until I could not breathe. Until no more tears would come. And I had not even told him what was happening.
When I finally stopped, I told him what the doctor had told me. He listened. He was quiet a moment. And then he asked me what my gut said. He put his hand on my growing belly and said that he believed that you were fine. And I want to believe that so badly, my sweet little one, I do. But mommy is not very good at remaining optimistic sometimes. *sigh*
So, instead of falling asleep peacefully and reveling in the fact that we had a good day... I spent time googling scary topics on my ipad. Wondering about what could be. Trying to decide what to do. Your dad sat next to me doing the same.
The doctor had suggested doing either an amniocentesis or a blood test called Harmony. The amnio comes with risks of its own, but results are quick. Harmony is just another blood test for me, totally non-invasive and therefore no risk to you, but the results are much slower. We decided to do the blood test and I will be heading to the office after work today for the draw. Then we will wait the agonizing 8-10 days to see what is in store. I do not know that anything would change, but I need to know now. I need to know.
As I finally settled down to sleep, much later than usual, much later than I should have, my mind was racing. I felt lost, confused, afraid, angry. I did NOT want to be thinking about these things. Was it not bad enough that I was stressing out about handling two kids already? But, for some reason, I put my hand on my belly as I closed my eyes. I immediately felt you. I felt you moving in there. I had felt little thumps already, but not like this. I felt like maybe you were trying to tell me that it would all be okay. That you were okay.
The logical side of my brain knows that a 1:68 chance means that 67 out of 68 times, everything is fine. The logical side of my brain knows that that chance is even higher because there is a 5% false positive rate on these screens. And they are just screens. Just odds on a piece of paper. Not diagnostic tests. The other side of my brain... well, it scares me.
I sincerely hope that in a few short weeks (or less) we will find out that all this worry was for naught. For now, we wait.
Love, momma
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