The birth story, Baby Zwei

I had a fairly good idea what I was getting into the second time around. Somehow, when it comes to labor, that did not make it any easier. Apparently, my body just likes to grow big babies and my cervix just does not like to cooperate. I was hoping for a VBAC, but ended up with another c-section. Here is the story of how Baby Zwei came into the world.

1/11. Busy bee today. Lost gobs of mucus plug (c'mon, this is the whole story!!). Cramping in back. Packed up all Christmas decorations. Made a couscous soup. Made a batch of chocolate raspberry scones and apple cinnamon muffins. Stripping cloth diapers. Wrapped the gifts for brothers to exchange. Dance parties and playdoh with Beck. And a 90 minute nap. Trying to get things going. Waiting, waiting.

1/12. More bloody show this morning. Tried to stay active doing laundry (stairs). A bit more cleaning. Sweeping floors. Etc. No major contractions anymore though. Went for a walk as a family before dinner. About 1 mile. Around 8 pm I started contracting about every ten minutes. Went to sleep around 11 pm.

1/13. 1 am. Awake and up for a potty break. Freezing. Still having contractions. Gonna try to get as much sleep as possible.

4 am. Still about 10 minutes apart. Restless.

5 am. Tell husband to turn off his alarm--he won't be going to work today. Head to the bathroom again to do some timing. It is weird, but the toilet is quite a comfy place to sit.

7 am. My Mom arrives to watch her grandson while we head to the hospital. I shower, finish packing my bag, and take one more belly picture with my first baby boy. Should have eaten but contractions 3-4 minutes apart and didn't want to anymore. Had some tea. Big mistake.

830 am. Contractions slowed to 5 minutes while en route. I am only 2 cm. Boo. Got an IV for antibiotics for group B Strep. Stuck in bed. Contractions quickly picked up intensity and I had a hard time not being able to move. Husband turned on my labor playlist and I did find myself singing and dancing along a bit. Contractions were torture. Nurse did not like that contractions were lasting up to three minutes!!! I held out as long as I could.

12 pm. Get an epidural and sweet relief. It also helped normalize my contractions. Now lasting 30 seconds to a minute each instead of three.

1230 pm. Baby's HR drops. Nurse calls a code on me. The whole floor of scrubs appears in my room. Panic. There is nothing scarier than when the experts think there is a reason to worry. Change positions. Normalizes. All is well. But now my BP is low. Meds to raise it. Checked again at a 3. Major boo. Given Tylenol for headache. Hooked up to BP cuff constantly now.

4 pm. Contractions are 2 minutes apart, lasting 1 minute and strong. Staying on one side for sake of baby's HR means one side gets more juice than the other. I am feeling the tightness of contractions. Surprised to find that my water may have broken on its own.

445 pm. Husband has been watching monitors and tattles that my cheeks are rosy and babes hr has been going up. Slight fever but also confirmed water break. Now a 6! Woohoo. Starving, but not allowed to eat. Ice chips are not filling. Convinced Chris to go get some dinner. My favorite nurse takes pity on me and brings me the best rocket Popsicle ever.

615 pm. Dr arrives. Breaks the rest of my water. She says I'm a 7. Slight meconium. But making progress.

640 pm. Headache. More Tylenol. Change positions and try sitting up for awhile to bring head down.

7 pm. Baby's HR slowing a bit. Scalp monitor placed. Dr Wong warns that slowing HR and head not descending are things they are watching closely. Also my water is a bit more bloody than they would like. Going to give me a bit more time to progress but if head stays high we will be off to the OR. This is all feeling very familiar.

815 pm. Still a 7 with no further head descent. 24 hours in, we decide it is time to have a baby. Once again, both my doctors are there. I joke that they just want to see how big this baby is. Surgery prep happens very quickly. That blue sheet comes up in front of my face and before I know they are even cutting, I feel the pull of a baby exiting my body.

919 pm. Keaton Elliot is born. 9 lbs even. 21 inches long. Cord wrapped around neck twice. And now I have my second due date baby.

10 pm. We are in recovery. Skin to skin. He latches easily. Looks like his brother. Dad heads to nursery for first bath and checks while I try to get warm and stop shaking from the drugs.

12 am. We are all back in our room. It is immediately apparent that while they do look alike, this baby is quite different from his brother. Nurses quickly, not very demanding of the boob, sleeping well. Whoa.

Spend the day trying to manage pain. Baby doing awesome. All blood sugars have been good. Nursing well according to lactation consultant. Gave us 3 wet and 1 dirty diaper--already progressing past meconium!! Gramma and grampa were first visitors. Also learned that apparently one of my ovaries was bleeding when they cut me open. Due to the traumas of labor. Interesting.

1/15. Big brother visits with Oma and Grandpa. Very emotional for me. I was not really sure that I would have kids and here I was with two boys. A family. I could not have been more proud. Brothers exchange gifts and kisses. After they leave, we have our celebratory meal.

1/16. We take advantage of the day in the hospital. Relaxing and eating all the meals I can. Watch some movies, take showers. And then...We go home!!

Waiting game.

It has been a rough week around these parts.  I started seeing a chiropractor a couple weeks ago, to help with my pregnancy aches and pains.  It has been fantastic!  I really did not believe that it would make a difference, but I was desperate.  Wincing in pain every time I rolled over in bed was getting old fast.  Of course, by this time in my first pregnancy, I had already been sleeping in the recliner for several weeks just to avoid having to rollover in the first place.  But I like my bed, darnit!  So, off to the chiro.  And it has helped a ton, not completely, but a ton.  I am still physically exhausted by the simplest of tasks.  Grocery shopping nearly killed me this week.  Pushing a cart full of groceries plus a toddler through a snow covered parking lot did not help.

The early part of this week was impossibly cold.  Temperatures in the negative teens, with windchills up to minus 50 degrees.  Needless to say, Beckett and I did not get out much.  This did not help my mood much.  He is a great kid, he really is, but boy is he exhausting.  My patience is thin at this point.  There has been much movie watching.  It's the only way I can make it through the day!

Last night was a real challenge.  A late nap threw off our whole day and bedtime was a total struggle. By the time my husband and I got Beck to sleep it was nearly 9:45.  Far too late and I was so frustrated.  I cried.  I was thinking if we could not handle bedtime with one kid, what on Earth are we doing being days away from having another one?!  Things did not look much brighter when Beck came up to me with a handful of poop while I was preparing breakfast.  Lovely.  Sigh.

Thankfully, my mother-in-law was on the schedule to be over at the house today.  Despite the fact that I am now done working out of the house, I asked the grandmas to keep coming over on Fridays to give me a bit of hand with Beck.  They both happily agreed.  I could not get out of the house fast enough today.

And so I sit, with a steaming cup of hot tea and a nearly devoured banana muffin, in the cafe of Barnes and Noble.  I just got a haircut.  I am not sure I love it, I have real bangs again for the first time in a long while, but it felt good to do something for myself.    And just being out of the house for awhile feels good too.  Who knows when I will get the chance to be alone again!

The waiting has begun.  I am due next week.  Of course my doctors are eager to see me deliver asap.  We are technically prepared, but I am not sure that we are ready.  Is anyone ever?  I lost a bit of my mucus plug this morning (whoa there!) and am having some mild cramping in my back.  Could mean something, could mean nothing.  Such is the fun of waiting to go into labor.  It is supposed to be a busy weekend, full of dinners with family and friends.  We will see what happens.  Right now, that is all I can do.  Wait.

The Kids: Eins: 22 months and Zwei: 24 weeks.

Dear Kiddos,

it has been a pretty big month around here.

Beck, all of your baby teeth are finally in!!!!  FINALLY!!!  Hallelujah!!!  It took 4 months for those "two-year molars" to come in and that last one was just hanging on for the longest time.  They are finally here.  We brush your teeth before bed every night and you have started brushing your teeth yourself while we get ready in the morning as well.

Another huge milestone has been reached in the past month: you are no longer breastfeeding.  As I hoped would happen, you dropped the last two feeds after your teeth finished coming in.  The morning feed went first and we were just nursing before bed.  As it turned out, you nursed for the last time on my birthday.  If I had known then that it would be our last session, I might have paid a bit more attention.  Enjoyed you looking up at me.  Smiling as I rolled your pacifier down my chest.  Reaching up and playing with the skin tag on my shoulder (lovely habit).  Just recognized how far we have come.  I am so proud of the fact that we made it so long.  I am so proud of the fact that you got to choose when you were done.  I had no idea that the end would be so bittersweet.  I was looking forward to it and yet it made me very sad at the same time.  You are no longer a baby.  21 months and 14 days.  Wow.  I never expected to go that long.  I have tried to give you both cow's milk and almond milk since then, but you are not a fan.  Maybe in time, no rush, just like everything else. 


And yes, we celebrated my birthday.  We had a little dinner, just the three of us.  It was quiet and wonderful.  :)

The final milestone for your month was your first ER visit and cast.  Yay.  Not really.  There was an incident with your push trike this week.  You put your feet down while I was pushing you and your left foot got jammed under the footrest.  It has happened before, unfortunately.  Unlike some of the previous instances though, this time you did not react at all.  We made it the rest of the way home, you walked in the house and ran around and danced while I prepared dinner.  When it came time to get out of your highchair though, you would not put any weight on your foot.  It took your dad and I awhile to even figure out what could have happened!  We iced it for awhile, but you were still obviously in pain.  So, off to the ER we went.  You were so brave, little man.  It was already close to your bed time and we would be there until well past it, but you did not sleep a wink.  You wanted to watch everything.  We were shuffled from room to room, you had 2 sets of x-rays (the worst part because mommy could not go in the room with you.  I HATED standing in the hallway and hearing you crying.), saw several very nice medical staff members, but we were given no conclusions.  No visible fractures, but you were not tolerating weight or manipulation of that foot.  It was decided to treat it as a break, you were put in an over-the-knee splint, and we would follow-up with the ortho.  Daytime was okay because Oma came around to back me up, but you were miserable trying to sleep in that splint.  You just could not get comfortable and I cannot say that I blame you.  We saw the ortho yesterday and while he could not see a visible fracture either, you were still swollen and tender.  He made the decision to put you in a cast and recheck you in a week.  Thankfully, it is a short walking cast, below-the-knee, and you are already walking around on it like nothing!  And we are all sleeping much better.  :)  I sure am feeling guilty for hurting you though.  Hopefully, you will be all better in one week!

Meanwhile, Baby Zwei, you are charging right along.  Shortly I will be in the third trimester.  Where oh where has the time gone?  I feel like I am getting enormous, but I have not gained that much weight.  My belly just likes to get big, apparently.  At my last OB appointment at 24 weeks, 4 days, I was measuring 30 cm.  Whoa.  We had your follow-up level two ultrasound the week previous and the fancy devices are estimating you at 1 pound, 6 ounces, putting you in the 64th percentile.  You are not enormous, why am I?!  You looked perfect.  The doctor said that it looks like the suspicious spot is resolving on its own, but they do still want to keep an eye on things.  Make sure that it disappears completely and that you keep growing like you should.  A little irritating because I really just wanted to hear "everything looks good, buh-bye now!", but if it means I get to see you more I guess I will not complain. 

Love you kids, momma

Baby Zwei: Spinning (AKA The Phone Call)

This is the post I wrote shortly after hearing from the doctor.  I almost did not post it, but am doing so just because it is a part of this journey now.  See the update here.

Dear Baby zwei,

yesterday was a very good day.  Your daddy was working from home so we were all hanging out together.  Your brother was getting a reprieve from his teething agony and was in a good mood all day.  I even heard him yell "nein!" from the other room when he heard me saying "no!" to Lita.  That kid cracks me up.  We had a great dinner and Beckett and daddy had a fun bath time, which was a welcome change after the last several angry baths.  I was on bedtime duty and was singing your brother his lullabies after reading him a story when the phone rang.  Frustrated that someone would call during bedtime, I rejected the call and finished putting Beck to bed.  He drifted off peacefully and I tip-toed out.

Mystery caller had left a voicemail.  It was my doctor.  Calling at 8:15 at night.  And telling me to page her.

My heart jumped to my throat.  Surely this could not be good news.

I called the office and had Dr. Kim paged through the service.  She was at the hospital and returned my call nearly immediately.  She was reporting back on our NT scan and first trimester screen.  Your ultrasound was perfect and all looked well.  But my bloodwork came back slightly abnormal.  The doctor reported that instead of the usual less than 1 in 250 chance for a chromosomal abnormality that would result in Down Syndrome, our results had the odds of 1 in 68.  Baby, those are still very good odds, but I would be lying if I said that this news did not rock my world.  Your dad entered the room just as I was getting off the phone.  He took one look at my scribbled notes... "trisomy, amnio, harmony blood test, pregnancy loss, 1:68"... and just sat on the bed.  He held me while I cried harder than I have cried in a long time.  I cried until I could not breathe.  Until no more tears would come.  And I had not even told him what was happening.

When I finally stopped, I told him what the doctor had told me.  He listened.  He was quiet a moment.  And then he asked me what my gut said.  He put his hand on my growing belly and said that he believed that you were fine.  And I want to believe that so badly, my sweet little one, I do.  But mommy is not very good at remaining optimistic sometimes.  *sigh*

So, instead of falling asleep peacefully and reveling in the fact that we had a good day... I spent time googling scary topics on my ipad.  Wondering about what could be.  Trying to decide what to do.  Your dad sat next to me doing the same.

The doctor had suggested doing either an amniocentesis or a blood test called Harmony.  The amnio comes with risks of its own, but results are quick.  Harmony is just another blood test for me, totally non-invasive and therefore no risk to you, but the results are much slower.  We decided to do the blood test and I will be heading to the office after work today for the draw.  Then we will wait the agonizing 8-10 days to see what is in store.  I do not know that anything would change, but I need to know now.  I need to know. 

As I finally settled down to sleep, much later than usual, much later than I should have, my mind was racing.  I felt lost, confused, afraid, angry.  I did NOT want to be thinking about these things.  Was it not bad enough that I was stressing out about handling two kids already?  But, for some reason, I put my hand on my belly as I closed my eyes.  I immediately felt you.  I felt you moving in there.  I had felt little thumps already, but not like this.  I felt like maybe you were trying to tell me that it would all be okay.  That you were okay.

The logical side of my brain knows that a 1:68 chance means that 67 out of 68 times, everything is fine.  The logical side of my brain knows that that chance is even higher because there is a 5% false positive rate on these screens.  And they are just screens.  Just odds on a piece of paper.  Not diagnostic tests.  The other side of my brain...  well, it scares me.  

I sincerely hope that in a few short weeks (or less) we will find out that all this worry was for naught.  For now, we wait.

Love, momma

June 20, 2013: Baby Zwei: 10 weeks.

Dear Baby Zwei,

Things are getting real around here, kiddo. My belly is resembling
that of a 40 year old male who drinks a little too much beer.
Translation: while I am not yet wearing full blown maternity gear, I
am no longer able to totally button my pants either. Oh, this is going
to be so fun!!

Truth, baby: I am still slightly terrified. But the scale is starting
to sway more towards excitement now. We had our first prenatal
appointment with Dr. Kim two weeks ago. Your dad and brother came
along. Brother. I was never sure if Beck would BE. A brother. Amazing.
Anyway, the appointment went very well. My doctor was very calm about
the whole thing. She said we would monitor your size closely (since
your brother was a big one) and make decisions accordingly. It was
exactly what I needed to hear and was a big mental and emotional
relief.

We took your first photo. Always mind-blowing to think that little
blobby will be a person soon. We saw your little heart thumping away
at 178 bpm.

Our close family all knows now. We definitely dropped some jaws. :)
But in a good way. We originally had our parents all convinced that
they would have to be satisfied with grand-dogs so the fact that they
will soon have 2 grand kids really surprised them.

I know that this will be harder than I can even possibly imagine. But
I also know that it will all be worth it. I cannot wait to watch you
grow up with your brother. For now, I will have to settle for watching
my belly grow. And grow, it shall.

May 14, 2013: Baby Zwei: Hello!

So!  Now that the "big secret" is out, I can share all the drafts that I have saved.  Fair warning that there will be one more drama-filled post that I wrote immediately following The Phone Call.  It all seems blown out of proportion now.  I mean, 1 in 68, no big, right?  But I assure, those odds are far more ominous when it is YOU that are facing them.  

Dear Baby Zwei,

It was two days after Mother's Day when we found out about you.  I had been suspicious for a couple days, but between your dad's birthday, Mother's Day, and spending a day with Oma, I did not have time to get any answers.  It was a Tuesday evening when I took the test.  Your dad had just come home from work, we were dropping my car off to be repaired, your brother was in his usual pre-dinner fussy phase.  I needed to just get away for a moment.  Little did I know how much that moment would change our future.

The test was positive.  Blaringly so.  Not a doubt.

Whoa.

Your dad and I had discussed the possibility of having another baby in the not so distant future, but I was so not prepared for this.  I cried, Baby.  Not because I was sad, but because I was so scared.  Scared for you.  Scared for your brother.  Scared that I could not, *would not* be a good enough momma for both of you.  Scared because those early days are hard, Baby.  On everyone.  Your dad just smiled at me.  He reminded me that we wanted this.  We DO want this.  *I* do want this.  And I know that somehow, someway, it will all be alright. 

I am already getting excited at the thought of watching you and your brother grow-up together.  I truly feel like giving Beck a sibling is a wonderful gift.

It will be awhile still before I go to the doctor.  For right now, your dad and I are the only ones that know, but I am not sure how long my belly will keep our secret.  It is going to be a very interesting year, little one.

Love, momma

8 business days.

This is not really how I intended to announce, but that is how life goes sometimes.  I thought about just erasing this draft and starting all over, but that felt fake too.  So, here goes...

Day 0.  Thursday.  My appointment was scheduled for 4:45.  I left work early to make it on time.  There were three others in the waiting area with me.  They were all called in, one by one.  Minutes ticked by.  I browsed magazines.  I played sudoku on my phone.  I messaged with my husband. Waiting, waiting.  I only needed to see a phlebotomist, not the doctor.   And yet, everyone else got called before me.  5:30.  My doctor appeared in the doorway and said it would just be a moment longer, but I could come back and ask any questions I had.  I wandered back in to one of the familiar rooms.  Did I have questions?  Yes, lots.  But I was not sure how many of them were appropriate right then.  So I asked the easy ones.  I asked for numbers and was given a printout.  I asked if we would be given an answer and was told "yes, with 99% accuracy."  Most of the time I would take 99%. The doctor left.  Waiting, waiting.  The phlebotomist finally came in.  I chose the other arm this time.  Tight, tight, impossibly tight tourniquet.  Two large vials of blood to collect.  It was like she was trying to squeeze it out of me.  "I want to get these as full as possible," she said.  I only nodded, my hand was going numb.  Finally, done.  Band-aid. "We'll call you soon."  Not soon enough.

Rewind.

Day -1.  Wednesday.  It was a good day.  I do not remember the details now, it was a Wednesday, I was home with Beck all day.  He had his first non-angry bath in a couple days.  I had finally announced to the rest of our friends and family on Facebook that we were expecting.  I had read Beck his story and was singing him his lullabies when the phone started ringing.  I did not recognize the number and chose to ignore it to finish putting him to bed.  I put Beck in his crib after his songs and sat quietly while he drifted off to sleep.  Then I snuck into my bedroom to investigate the mystery call.  There was a voicemail.  I listened, I returned the call.  The conversation that took place on the phone and immediately thereafter is detailed in a separate post (here) so I will not repeat it all here.  The short version is that the bloodwork from my NT scan on Monday had come back abnormal.  The projected risk for our baby to have Down Syndrome was calculated at 1:68.  I am choosing my words very carefully... projected risk.  My numbers were put into a calculator and these are the odds we were given.  It is a small chance, but still a chance.  And it was something that made me feel very lost, confused, worried, upset.  Sent me searching for answers, where there are none to be found.  I cried myself to sleep that night and did not share my first definite recognition of a little being thumping in my belly with my husband.

Fast forward.

Day 1.  Friday.  I had my blood drawn the day before and was told that it would be 8-10 business days for the results.  Results that I realize now would not *change* anything... but would at least provide an answer.  We hoped.  I had work that day, so was mostly able to stay distracted.  But there were occasional google searches...  "first trimester screen abnormal," "high hcg in pregnancy," "low papp-a in pregnancy," "nt scan and downs risk."  Some info was comforting, some was terrifying.  And so it goes with Dr. Google.

Saturday and Sunday passed in a blur.  I worked on Saturday as well and mainly kept busy, but now I found myself looking at other kinds of websites.  "Down Syndrome Pregnancy."  "Life with Down Syndrome."  "National Down Syndrome Society."  I learned a lot.  I quickly came to the realization that things were not as bleak as I had imagined.  Most children born with Downs do experience some degree of developmental delay, but are perfectly normal kids.  Many of them are able to attend regular schools (with the assistance of tutors) and even hold down jobs.  And the one thing that I was constantly reading about is how their parents describe them as the happiest children they have ever known.  But there were also physical defects to think about.  Heart defects are the most common, often requiring one or multiple surgeries to repair.  There is a higher chance of hearing issues.  And a somewhat increased risk of developing leukemia.  This was a lot to process.  My husband was remaining quiet on the subject after our initial conversation.  I assumed that he was not thinking about it, was waiting for the test results, was doing just fine in "hoping for the best."

Day 2.  Monday.  Back to the usual routine.  Grocery shopping with Beck and mom.  Working through nap time on my part-time-from-home job.  Still the occasional googling.  Now I scoured message boards on babycenter.  "Down Syndrome Pregnancy."  "Prenatal Testing."  "Poor Prenatal Prognosis."  There were so many stories similar to mine.  So many woman waiting and wondering.  Mostly just wanting to know.  I was floundering.  I asked myself questions that I did not want to consider.  I did not want to be thinking about any of this!  I just wanted to be enjoying my pregnancy.  I wanted to be happy and excited!  I felt like my life had been put on pause.

Finally, my husband and I spoke about it all.  He asked me what was bothering me that evening after Beck was asleep and I just looked at him and exclaimed "How could you *not* know what is bothering me?"  We discussed a lot of things that night.  How scared I was, how worried I was about how having a special needs child would affect our family (immediate and extended).  How I was not sure I could handle it all.  Would we have real lives anymore?  How would it affect Beckett?  Surely this would change everything!  "Yes," he said, "just like any new baby would."  Would I be able to see past a genetic mistake and LOVE my child?  That last one sounds so cruel...  But I am a scientist.  I know that Trisomys are a result of a fluke in cell division, a "mistake."  My husband stopped me there.  He knew where I was coming from, from the scientist perspective, but he was very firm in saying that this baby was no mistake.  And I understand where HE is coming from there... we definitely wanted this child.  Finally, the toughest questions of all.  What would we do if the test came back positive?  Did we still want this baby?  Trisomy 21 is the best case scenario when it comes to Trisomys.  Most people consider Trisomy 13 or 18 "incompatible with life."  Lovely phrasing there.  I do not believe that I am mentally or emotionally capable of carrying a baby to term only to have it be stillborn or to watch that baby die in my arms.  Trisomy 21 though... that is a whole 'nother ballgame.  Estimates vary as to how many pregnancies are terminated as a result of a T21 diagnosis.  Anyway, my husband asked me what I would want to do and I answered quite honestly that I did not know.  He took a moment, then looked at me very sincerely and said that this was our baby.  A baby we wanted.  A baby that will need love and care just like Beckett did.  Just like our broken dog did.  And we can handle it.  We can handle anything.  And yes, there were a heck of a lot more tears in there as well.  But, somehow, just getting all these thoughts out; these scary, horrible, guilt-inducing thoughts, that no one should ever have to think about during their pregnancy, made me feel better.  I even started to believe him.  And I actually slept well that night.

Day 3.  Tuesday.  I somehow felt more at peace.  No matter what happened, I knew I had my husband and that we really could deal with anything.  I found joy in small things.  There was still some worry, some "what ifs," and googling.  But, mostly, I was okay.  We went to bed early that night, but did not talk... 

Day 4.  Wednesday.  One week later, for the first time since receiving The Phone Call, I felt little kicks from my baby.  My baby.

Day 5.  Thursday.  A work day.  A bit of an escape, but the petty problems seemed so trivial.  Maybe that is a good thing.  Perspective.  I found myself wondering how we would tell our families and found myself considering making a video similar to the one we used to announce our first pregnancy.  It is very strange the things you will find yourself thinking about.

Day 6.  Friday.  Back to work.  Started posting on some of the babycenter boards just to help pass the time.  It always helps to know that other have gone through the same thing or are currently going through it with you.  I am not alone. 

Saturday and Sunday, again passed in a blur.  We had a rare Beck-free day on Saturday.  Being the party animals that we are, we spent it cleaning and reorganizing the house.  And we saw Despicable Me 2.

Day 7. Monday, again. I could not help but feel an impending sense of doom. Terrible truths, but we were reaching the point when the phone could ring at any moment and tell us news that would change our worlds. I felt a sense of peace at the same time, almost expecting it now. I really just needed to know. During the daily routine there are so many moments that pass, that just for a second you imagine how that moment will go when there are 2 kiddos instead of 1 present. I needed to be able to picture things. To have an idea of what was coming my way. Whatever it was, we would handle it, but I needed to KNOW. To prepare. To change my expectations.

Day 8. Tuesday. The day began at 4:30 am. Someday, these molars will be out and my first born will sleep again, until then we all suffer. I made some very unsatisfying decaf coffee and was in a wretched mood. Thankfully, a trip to the park in the morning made us both feel better. We came home, had a snack, and proceeded to take a much needed 2 and a half hour nap. Lovely. Then it was lunch, errands, playing outside some more. We were actually having a wonderful day afterall. At 4:15, the phone rang. It was a number I recognized. My first thought was "it's still offic hours, this could not be my doctor." It was not my doctor, it was one of the nurses. "Your Harmony bloodwork came back with the lowest possible risk." Oh what fantastic words those were! I asked a couple questions, but really had the information that I needed most of all. I waited until my husband was home to tell him the news. I would be lying if I did not admit that we were both hugely relieved. I felt like I could breathe again. Like I could stop trying to ignore the fact that I was pregnant. Like I no longer had to cringe whenever anyone asked about or mentioned my pregnancy. I did not know what to say! So I tried to not think about it at all. But now I knew. I finally knew. My baby had "typical chromosomes."

I have learned a lot over the course of the last 14 days. I think that I can handle a lot more than I give myself credit for. I have learned a lot more about Down Syndrome and what it means. I have learned that a lot of the assumptions that I had about Downs are simply not true. Sometime in the not so far off future, I hope to start volunteering some of my time in some way or another. There are several buddy groups that I came across. I think it would be great to get the kids exposed to kids who are different from them at a young age. There are still always plenty of things to worry about. You could spend your whole life worrying. I guess I will always have a small bit of worry until I am holding this new baby in my arms. I hope I am done worrying for awhile, I am looking forward to enjoying this pregnancy from here on out. But I definitely know that I will never look at another person with Down Syndrome in the same way.

Resolutions.

I have never been big on resolutions.  I guess I do not see the point if they only last a few weeks at a time.  I think that change needs to come about or be pursued because we WANT it, not just because we happened to reach a certain date on a calendar.  All that aside though, I have been reading a lot of blog posts about resolutions.  This one in particular struck a chord with me--Start Now!  Because, yeah, there really is no "perfect" time for things.  So, some things that I am hoping to Start Now in 2013. 

~I would like to start an Etsy shop.  My mom and I have been talking about doing this for awhile now.  She would really be the main owner/creative force behind it and I would be supporting cast, but I want to quit talking about it and do it!  We need to get answers to some questions about setting things up and doing it the right way.  I am really hoping this comes together soon though.  I am itching to start creating things and this would give me good reason. 

~I would like to start worrying less and enjoying more.  I would not say that I am stressed out all the time, but I do worry a lot.  And it's mostly about how my little is going to respond to situations.  Or how others (family, friends, and strangers alike) are going to respond to HIS reactions.  I will sort of be jumping in the deep end on this next month when we take our first plane trip as a family.  Yes, I am worried about the flight.  Seriously.  I do not want to be that family with the screaming toddler that is annoying everyone and getting dirty looks.  But, I can only control so much.  I hate hate HATE that anyone would think my kid is a "bad kid."  I have been guilty of that myself before I became a parent!  Watching a child scream and cry in a grocery store and thinking either a) why is that mom not *doing* something? or b) geez, that kid is out of control!  Shame on me.  I know now that one episode (or even 100!) do not necessarily a bad kid (or parent!) make.  My kid is not a bad kid.  Maybe he is just having a bad day.  Like we all do.  But he is incapable of saying "I'm tired and cranky."  It is what it is.  I really dislike that phrase, but it is so so true. 

~Going hand in hand with that last one, I would like to be more happy!  Happy is a state of mind.  I am lucky enough right now to be involved with the beta testing of a new social networking site that is focused on seeing the good, the positive, the Happy! in life.  And I am really, really enjoying it.  I have noticed that since I have started using it, I am posting less and less on Facebook.  I find Facebook to be so negative these days.  Everyone seems to be complaining about something.  And yes, if we look, we can all find something to complain about.  But why not change our attitude and find something to be happy about???  Happy makes you feel good.  Happy makes the struggles easier because you can recognize the ways in which you are blessed.  Happy is contagious.  It is not always easy.  We are surrounded by so much negativity that it is easy to get dragged down by it.  This is still something that I am working on, but I am making progress. 

Those are my biggies!  There are other small things as well.  I want to finally sell some unused "stuff" online (listed a couple items this week and already have my first sale!) and donate more as well.  I want to start taking more pictures again and not just of my little.  I want to have more date nights with my husband because we deserve them.

It is time to Start Now. 

12 months as a parent.

I would  love to say that my time served so far means that I have it all figured out.  Truth is, I do not. And at this point I kind of think that any parent that tells you they do, or even acts like they do, is bluffing big time.  But maybe that is how we learn to survive.

This has been one of the most challenging years of my life.  The sleep deprivation is rough.  Really rough.  You expect it in the newborn days.  You get used to it even!  Somehow remaining functional on mere hours of sleep that have been dished out in fragments.  I did not realize that what is even harder is when you reach the point of actually getting some good sleep for awhile, only to have it taken away again.  There have been incredibly frustrating nights.  Nights of tears for myself and Beck.  When I wonder what has gone wrong; why does he refuse to sleep?  The fact is I tell myself often that there is no reason, but there really always seems to be one.  I just cannot always figure out what it is right away.  Maybe he is getting sick.  Or maybe it is because he has just figured out how to crawl or is about to start pulling up on things.  Maybe his gums are swollen and covered in blisters because his molars are forcing their way through his jaw.  Good times.  He is not trying to torture us, but sometimes that is hard to remember at 2 am.  Or even 11 pm, when I just want sleep for all of our sakes.  It is hard too because your day becomes so regimented.  Plans are made around naps and meals.  But that is not really a problem for me.  I like schedules.  It is hard to have very few moments of time to yourself.  For me, at least.  Sometimes, it is a battle just to get to go to the bathroom alone. Every little chore or task becomes infinitely more difficult.  Can I take the baby with me to sort laundry in the basement?  Do I put him in his pack and play?  Is it worth the time alone for the possible screaming?  Are these toys entertaining enough?  There really is stress around every corner with a baby.  Illness.  Teeth.  Is he eating enough?  Sleeping enough?  Pooping enough?  It is enough to drive a person crazy.  I have had to learn to relax and go with the flow a lot more.  It is amazing what a little change in perspective/expectations can do for a person.

Thankfully, this has also been one of the most rewarding years of my life.  I have had the luxury of staying home with my little guy 3 days a week and working 2.  That is truly a blessing.  I have thoroughly enjoyed watching him grow and change and am excited to say that so far I have not missed any firsts!  This kid amazes me.  We have games we play and songs we sing that he actually recognizes.  He can anticipate what comes next.  He can mimic us.  He is so curious.  He likes to look at books.  He is starting to try to stack things and put them away instead of just knocking things down and taking things out.  And the love.  It is overwhelming.  The worst day can fade away with just a smile or a wave or a giggle.  And to see him toddle my way to offer a kiss or a hug.  It kills.  I really would do anything for this kid.  Including not sleeping, ha!

And so I shall continue to go with the flow.  When my child needs me, even if it is at 2 am, I will be there.  Sooner than I think he will no longer need me at all.  If this first year has gone so fast, I cannot imagine how fast the rest of them will go.  It has been awesome. And there's so much more to come.

Thanksgiving.

It's amazing how your perspective on a holiday can change in one little year.

Yes, I know that Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time to reflect on our blessings, but, mostly, I have always thought of it as that one day a year where my husband and I try to see all three of our families in about a 10 hours span.  We rush, we stress, we eat far too much.  For that reason, I have never really enjoyed Thanksgiving.

This year, while we will still be visiting two different households (one less family to visit since my husband's father and stepmom have moved to Ohio), I am recognizing that the fact that we have so much family around us really is a blessing.  Yeah, it does not always seem like it.  It does put stress on us sometimes and there are always many opinions on every subject to take into consideration.  But we really are lucky.  We are lucky that Beckett has three sets of grandparents that he knows and loves.  One set of great-grandparents even!  Numberous aunts and uncles!  Some cousins thrown in for good measure.

This is even easier to recognize after this past Sunday when we celebrated Beckett's first birthday.  All of the families came out for the party.  Some even put some pretty serious grievances aside to get along for my little guy.  And that meant a whole lot to me.  I am lucky.

I am lucky for my family.  Sometimes they feel...smothering.  But I know it is because they love us so much.
I am lucky for my husband, who works so hard and takes care of us and is just SUCH a good dad.
I am lucky for my snuggly little pumpkin.  He is amazing.
I am lucky for my dog, who is doing a really great job adjusting to the presence of a little human.
I am lucky for my home, even though some days it feels far too small, it really is perfect.  A great place to raise our kiddo.
I am lucky to have a boss and a job that allow me to work part-time.
I am lucky for good friends.  That will share in my triumphs and my sorrows.  Those are the best kind.

It is so easy to get caught up in all the things you want.   Or the work that your house needs.  Or how things could be better.  I struggle to remember to recognize all the good things that I have.  Having a little person to take care of makes it a little bit easier though.  I am so lucky.

A little bit of luck.

I can't even believe that I'm about to type these words...

I'm pregnant. 

There, I said it!

OMG! 

We've been trying for awhile.  And I started charting my BBT in late January.  Since February 2nd, I have been experiencing the longest, most painful cycle of waiting and wondering.  I was so upbeat, only to be knocked down by several negative tests.  Then I realized that maybe I ovulated later than the magical software was telling me (probably considering I was on cycle day 40 by that point with no period in sight!) and I was a bit more optimistic again.  I could not believe my eyes though when I finally caved and got up the courage to test again. 

I had taken the day off, March 17th 2011, in order for our electrician to come back for *hopefully* the last time and finally install the smoke detectors mandated by our village.  I was now at 16 days past this newest ovulation date and convinced that it was more likely that something was wrong with me.  I temped at my usual time and dozed.  I waited until I heard my husband and the pooch head out for their morning walk, flipped on the light, peeked at my thermometer... temp is still high.  What the heck?!  Then it was off to the bathroom to pee on a stick.  Back to bed to wait the necessary 3 minutes.  Deep breaths.  Time to look.  I saw two lines and immediately my hand went to my mouth.  I could not believe it.  OMG!

I dove back in bed, awaited the return of my husband, all the while wondering: do I tell him now?!  What if I wait until after her gets home from work, buy a little gift, surprise him.  I decided that as cute as that would be, I could *not* wait.  He returned from the walk, went about his business.  I snuck the test over to my bedside table.  Since he was dawdling so much, I called down to him and asked where my morning cuddle was.  The poor guy was trying to be nice and let me sleep in and I was having none of it.  Since I was awake he told me to come downstairs with him until he had to leave for work.  I stealthily grabbed the test and managed to make it down the stairs before him.

I put the test at his spot on the kitchen table.  When he wandered over, he saw it there.  Looked at it and said "Whattt?"  To which I smiled and wished him a Happy St. Patrick's Day.  I cried.  We hugged.  He couldn't stop smiling. 

We are so so excited.  We are the only 2 people in this world that know.  It's fun having such a life-changing secret.  :)  We will tell our parents soon, but probably not until after our first Doctor's appointment.  I will definitely have to tell my best girlfriend before then or I might just explode.  For now we are enjoying the moment.

Aside from being more tired and more hungry, I feel great.  I pray that this little bean sticks. 

Radvent Day 11: Dreaming

Princess Lasertron's Blog Event: Radvent.

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What is your personal dream? What would happen if your dream came true?

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For right now my biggest dream is not associated with my career.  For right now, my personal dream is associated with family.  I had always thought that I would be one of those women that could take 'em or leave 'em when it came to children.  And for a long time I was!  I didn't have any strong feelings of being a mother.  Within the last year, some time when I wasn't paying attention, that all changed.  Now I'm actually looking forward to the new adventure.  Along those lines, I'm dreaming of having a large family...  3 or 4 kids!  What?!  The idea what I have gone from "I'm not sure I'll ever want kids" to "Oh yeah, let's go and have lots!" really still shocks me.  But, when I think about it, I'm not surprised at this desire. 

My husband and I are both only children.  That means our kids won't have any aunt or uncles.  No first cousins.  Weird.  And a bit sad.  I'm quite close with my cousins now, but I don't think it's quite the same kind of relationship as I would have with a sibling.  There's no one that I would call at any hour of the day for any reason, major or minor.  It's just different... not necessarily bad, just different.  Regardless, now I watch "Parenthood" and I see those 4 adults siblings getting together for family dinners with all their kids and oh, how I want that.  The chaos of all the kids, the laughter, the rivalries, the large meals, the traditions.  It just looks like so much fun! 

If my dream came true... holy crap would my whole world change.  I can't even imagine.  We'll see how it all plays out. 

I do have other dreams... associated with work and home and such.  But this one, this family one, for now it's the big one.  My how things change.

Radvent Day 1: Remembering

I'm going to make an attempt to participate in a December "Radvent" Blogging Event, an idea created by the brilliant Princess Lasertron.  All through the month she'll be posting prompts for her own blog and other participants.  This will obviously be a real challenge for me considering I do not normally post with any regularity.  :)

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What were you doing five years ago today? As the holiday season began? Where were you? Who were you with? What did you want? What did you have?

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I have a terrible memory for these kinds of things.  In fact, I almost never remember gifts.  I can occasionally remember receiving an item from someone, but almost never remember when or even for what occasion.  I'm much better at remembering gifts I have given to others, but even still, the years blend together.  The point of course, is that I have no idea what I wanted for Christmas.  And I certainly don't remember what I received.  My wants and needs are definitely quite different this year than 2005.  Like I said, I have no idea what I received then or even what I asked for... maybe my iPod came that year.  Along with a bunch of new music/movies/video games.  but this year my "want" list is definitely more grown-up and includes some nice pots for the newly re-modeled kitchen, miscellaneous other articles for the home, jewelry and clothes, and magazine subscriptions.  :) 

December 2005... I was living in my little duplex (no roommate!), not far from the campus proper of the University of Illinois.  Gearing up for my last 6 months or so of my graduate career.  I had spent just over 2 years in the program at this point and things were ever so slowly coming to a close.  

I remember that it was a very strange time for me.  I didn't really feel connected to my high school friends back home anymore.  Mostly we had just fallen out of touch.  But I had made a small, but very close-knit group of new friends in my labs.  One of them was just getting ready to leave the lab and take a new position somewhere else.  She started the mass exodus, as over the course of the next year all of us would leave.  Of the 5 of us, 4 of us have remained in close contact and I have even attended 2 of their weddings and they all came to mine. 

Meanwhile, my boyfriend of 7 years (now husband) had a full time job back home.  We saw each other often enough, but there I was... still in school.  And with that (finally) ending I had a great unknown hanging in front of me: what in the world am I going to be with my Master's Degree?  Where will I go?  By then we at least knew that wherever we went, we would be together.

I also remember that this was the December that I attended the wedding of a guy that was a very good friend in high school.  And one that I had a major crush on for awhile.  It made me contemplate "what would have happened if..." for just a split second before realizing that things were just as they were meant to be.  :)

2005 was definitely a transitional year.  I was completing the first ever advanced degree in my family and feeling very "adult"!  But there was so much more to come...  In 2006 I would graduate and move back home.  To my parent's house.  Start and struggle with my first real job hunt.  2007 saw me moving in with my man, getting engaged, have a major health scare and purchasing our first home.  I can't wait to see what happens in the NEXT 5 years. 

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Start a new tradition with your family or friends this season to help you remember the beauty of NOW!

share a blog together * start a cookie swap * host a movie night * meet late for pancakes * invite your siblings to pick out a gift for your parents * get together with friends to make holiday decorations

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I'm cheating a little bit because technically we hosted our first holiday "Bon Pasco!" family gathering in 2007. But that was the first and last. This year, we're trying to revive the tradition. It's a small feat to get all of my and my husband's family together in the same place. 3 years ago we were actually missing some people so we'll see if we can manage to get everyone together this year! It will no doubt be stressful, but I'm looking forward to it. There will be holiday cheer, maybe some games, drinks all around and plenty of yumminess.

Our Little Secret.

I'm a late bloomer. I held on to my baby teeth extra long. I didn't have my first visit from Aunt Flo until I was 16 (much to the chagrin of my cousin, who was "blessed" at 12!). Didn't have sex until I was 19 (TMI? OMG). Got married at 28 (despite dating my husband for 10+ years). And have always been one of those women that has thought: maybe I'll have kids, maybe I won't. Never felt the desire or the intense drive of some of my friends, who were more on the "I want to have babies asap" boat. But, recently something has changed. I still not *dying* to have kids, mind. I will be 30 this year, but I'm not feeling "my clock." Hell, I don't even picture myself as being old enough to be a mom. But I'm definitely feeling something here. Something that wasn't there before. Something that made me teary-eyed watching the pilot episode of Parenthood last week. The proud grandmom and dad are gathered around the dinner table with their 4 grown children and all of their spouses and kids. And I thought, yeah, that doesn't look so bad, it actually looks nice.

My husband and I are both only children. While all of these baby thoughts have only recently started swirling around my head, I have already decided that (as long as we can) I would like to have more than one child. Yes, I know, that's easy to say now. I have not yet experienced the joy and suffering that one child brings. But I do know that I feel like I missed out on A LOT by not having any siblings.

Right now, the thought of a baby still terrifies me. Strike that. A LOT of things terrify me. Pregnancy. Morning sickness. Stretching. Birth. Tearing! Stitching. And then, ultimately having a little bundle of tears and poop to bring home to try to keep happy. All by yourself. Okay, I won't be totally alone, but still! Somehow though, despite all of that, I'm still thinking this is do-able. What is wrong with me?!

I'll tell you what.

I've started day dreaming about converting the guest bedroom into a nursery.
I've started taking vitamins.
I've started a list of names in my head.
I've started thinking about how much our families will help and simultaneously drive us crazy.
I've started asking more questions and reading more.

We're not ready yet. But we will be soon.

One thing I haven't started yet is to tell people. This is all still hypothetical between my husband and I. So for now, let's keep this our little secret, mmkay?