Dear pregnant you,
There are so many things I wish I could tell you, convince you of... So many things I wish people would've told you when you were a brand new mom. When you felt as though you were fumbling your way through everything and really just needed someone to tell you "Hey, you're doing a great job. I know it's hard, but it will get easier. You are figuring things out and it's okay." Maybe, just maybe, one day you will do this all again. And maybe, just maybe, you can keep a little bit MORE of your sanity if you remember some things that you've already learned along the bumpy road of mommyhood. And, if some other momma happens to stumble across this letter as she traverses the interwebs, I hope it will help her too.
You will be a great mom. Really. The best mom your baby could hope for. "They" don't know what your baby needs. "They" can't tell you how much your baby should be sleeping or eating. "They" don't know your baby! You do. Go with the flow. Your baby will (unless something is medically wrong) tell you when they are hungry or tired. Feed them when they are hungry and let them sleep when they are tired and don't try to schedule them. Sooner or later, they will make their own schedule. No, it's not convenient. But then, if having kids were about convenience, people would pay other people to have and raise their kids for them.
Don't track sleep. It will make you crazy. Worry less about meeting the 15-16 hours a day quota that "they" claim is necessary for every baby and more about how your baby is behaving while they are awake. Each nap is not a life and death situation! Baby didn't nap well? They will probably make up for it next time--it will balance out. After the first few days, stop tracking diapers as well. You'll notice if there's a sudden drop in frequency. I won't say to stop tracking time on the boob though... after 8 months, you're still doing this now... all so one day you can say "Look! I spent 581 hours of my life with you stuck to my boob!!" I don't know what the actual tally is right now because I'm kind of afraid to look and yet I keep tracking. Anyway....
You do not have to "sleep train." You do not have to "cry it out." You may CHOOSE to, but you do not HAVE to... Your baby will start sleeping more. Your baby WILL figure out days versus nights. If your baby is waking frequently, there's a darn good chance that there is a very good reason and it's not to torture you. Although some nights, okay, many nights, it will feel that way. It is OKAY to co-sleep. Do yourself a favor though and try to resist the temptation to hold that adorable sleeping baby for all their naps. You may have a giant that will outgrow his swing and bassinet far too early and then be stuck with a baby who does not want to nap lying flat. Oops. But it's okay if that happens too because these early months will fly. FLY. Even though those nights seem so very long. People, heck your own family, may tell you that you have spoiled your baby. It is OKAY to "spoil" your baby. Enjoy the cuddles and kisses you can steal now. You can already feel them slipping from your fingers. Babies grow up; you can't prevent that. A baby that wants to sleep with his mommy is not the same as a "spoiled" toddler.
You'll notice that most of this is about sleep. It's the thing you worry most about. It doesn't help that it's everyone's favorite thing to ask! "Is he sleeping through the night yet???" Who cares! The person asking certainly doesn't--they're not the one waking up. They probably just want to brag about their own baby that slept through the night at 3 weeks old. Don't believe them. Parents lie. It's true! Because you want to start telling people "Yes!" just so they'll shut up already.
Relax. It will get better. You are not alone. Read this, feel better.
Also, being a mommy will be difficult in ways that you can't possibly yet imagine. Sure, the sleeplessness and fun boobtime are big ones. But, you are a creature of habit. You have your routines, you find comfort in them. In knowing how things are going to work and what is coming next. Guess what? Babies don't really work that way. Everything is a phase. Everything. Oh, they may eventually (*eventually*) fall into a bit of a pattern. But don't get comfortable because once you do... The pattern changes. You cannot even believe how many times things change. Everything from sleep and eating habits, the big ones, to small things--today, I love my swing! Today I hate my swing! Don't hold me like this, are you nuts?! Mind-boggling! Do not spend too much time trying to "figure things out." Put that analytical mind on hold, the mind that is used to following a protocol and getting a certain result, because protocols don't work here. See above re: pattern changes. Babies are unpredictable. What works one day won't work the next, what is hilarious one day won't even get a smile the next. There is no protocol. Roll with the phases and the punches. Try to enjoy them even!
Here's something you had considered but didn't quite recognize the degree to which things would change: you're an introvert. You like alone time. Sure, you like your friends and family, but every once in awhile, you need to be alone to stay sane. That is (mostly) gone now. There is a little person that depends on you for everything right now. That goes for food, care AND entertainment. You're lucky if you get to go to the bathroom alone during the day. Get ready for this.
Being a mommy is very different from being a full-time employee. "Full-time employee" usually implies 8 hours of work a day, 5 days a week. Being a mommy, is FULL full-time. All day, every day. It is physically and mentally exhausting, like a regular job, but it is also emotionally exhausting. It's hard not knowing why your baby is crying. It's hard not knowing what is "the right way." You will doubt yourself. You will think you are doing it wrong and you are clearly the worst mom ever. I promise you that every mother has had these thoughts. You will start to figure things out.
I'm making this all sound so wonderful! It is though, really. It's difficult, but ALSO wonderful in ways you can't possibly imagine. Every time your baby does something new or you can see them figure something out, your heart will swell. When they smile at you in the morning or giggle when you tickle them, you may find yourself crying. You can even find joy in those quiet moments, in the dark, when he's *finally* asleep and you just stare at his little face knowing full well that you should close your eyes as well, but you just *can't.*
You are about to raise a little person. And it's a miracle. Even though you, a scientist, know more about all the details than most people, you still know that just the fact that all these biological processes happened at once or in a very specific order to create this little person... It's truly amazing. You are blessed. Remember this at 2 am. Remember how lucky you are and how amazing this is! Along with being completely overwhelming and life-changing and routine-destroying and OMG-willheeversleep-screaming. It will be okay.
Relax. Smile more. Laugh more. You will not enjoy everything (and that's okay!!!), but try to enjoy MORE. Because you have no idea how fast it will go.
Love, Mom to an 8 month old
There are so many things I wish I could tell you, convince you of... So many things I wish people would've told you when you were a brand new mom. When you felt as though you were fumbling your way through everything and really just needed someone to tell you "Hey, you're doing a great job. I know it's hard, but it will get easier. You are figuring things out and it's okay." Maybe, just maybe, one day you will do this all again. And maybe, just maybe, you can keep a little bit MORE of your sanity if you remember some things that you've already learned along the bumpy road of mommyhood. And, if some other momma happens to stumble across this letter as she traverses the interwebs, I hope it will help her too.
You will be a great mom. Really. The best mom your baby could hope for. "They" don't know what your baby needs. "They" can't tell you how much your baby should be sleeping or eating. "They" don't know your baby! You do. Go with the flow. Your baby will (unless something is medically wrong) tell you when they are hungry or tired. Feed them when they are hungry and let them sleep when they are tired and don't try to schedule them. Sooner or later, they will make their own schedule. No, it's not convenient. But then, if having kids were about convenience, people would pay other people to have and raise their kids for them.
Don't track sleep. It will make you crazy. Worry less about meeting the 15-16 hours a day quota that "they" claim is necessary for every baby and more about how your baby is behaving while they are awake. Each nap is not a life and death situation! Baby didn't nap well? They will probably make up for it next time--it will balance out. After the first few days, stop tracking diapers as well. You'll notice if there's a sudden drop in frequency. I won't say to stop tracking time on the boob though... after 8 months, you're still doing this now... all so one day you can say "Look! I spent 581 hours of my life with you stuck to my boob!!" I don't know what the actual tally is right now because I'm kind of afraid to look and yet I keep tracking. Anyway....
You do not have to "sleep train." You do not have to "cry it out." You may CHOOSE to, but you do not HAVE to... Your baby will start sleeping more. Your baby WILL figure out days versus nights. If your baby is waking frequently, there's a darn good chance that there is a very good reason and it's not to torture you. Although some nights, okay, many nights, it will feel that way. It is OKAY to co-sleep. Do yourself a favor though and try to resist the temptation to hold that adorable sleeping baby for all their naps. You may have a giant that will outgrow his swing and bassinet far too early and then be stuck with a baby who does not want to nap lying flat. Oops. But it's okay if that happens too because these early months will fly. FLY. Even though those nights seem so very long. People, heck your own family, may tell you that you have spoiled your baby. It is OKAY to "spoil" your baby. Enjoy the cuddles and kisses you can steal now. You can already feel them slipping from your fingers. Babies grow up; you can't prevent that. A baby that wants to sleep with his mommy is not the same as a "spoiled" toddler.
You'll notice that most of this is about sleep. It's the thing you worry most about. It doesn't help that it's everyone's favorite thing to ask! "Is he sleeping through the night yet???" Who cares! The person asking certainly doesn't--they're not the one waking up. They probably just want to brag about their own baby that slept through the night at 3 weeks old. Don't believe them. Parents lie. It's true! Because you want to start telling people "Yes!" just so they'll shut up already.
Relax. It will get better. You are not alone. Read this, feel better.
Also, being a mommy will be difficult in ways that you can't possibly yet imagine. Sure, the sleeplessness and fun boobtime are big ones. But, you are a creature of habit. You have your routines, you find comfort in them. In knowing how things are going to work and what is coming next. Guess what? Babies don't really work that way. Everything is a phase. Everything. Oh, they may eventually (*eventually*) fall into a bit of a pattern. But don't get comfortable because once you do... The pattern changes. You cannot even believe how many times things change. Everything from sleep and eating habits, the big ones, to small things--today, I love my swing! Today I hate my swing! Don't hold me like this, are you nuts?! Mind-boggling! Do not spend too much time trying to "figure things out." Put that analytical mind on hold, the mind that is used to following a protocol and getting a certain result, because protocols don't work here. See above re: pattern changes. Babies are unpredictable. What works one day won't work the next, what is hilarious one day won't even get a smile the next. There is no protocol. Roll with the phases and the punches. Try to enjoy them even!
Here's something you had considered but didn't quite recognize the degree to which things would change: you're an introvert. You like alone time. Sure, you like your friends and family, but every once in awhile, you need to be alone to stay sane. That is (mostly) gone now. There is a little person that depends on you for everything right now. That goes for food, care AND entertainment. You're lucky if you get to go to the bathroom alone during the day. Get ready for this.
Being a mommy is very different from being a full-time employee. "Full-time employee" usually implies 8 hours of work a day, 5 days a week. Being a mommy, is FULL full-time. All day, every day. It is physically and mentally exhausting, like a regular job, but it is also emotionally exhausting. It's hard not knowing why your baby is crying. It's hard not knowing what is "the right way." You will doubt yourself. You will think you are doing it wrong and you are clearly the worst mom ever. I promise you that every mother has had these thoughts. You will start to figure things out.
I'm making this all sound so wonderful! It is though, really. It's difficult, but ALSO wonderful in ways you can't possibly imagine. Every time your baby does something new or you can see them figure something out, your heart will swell. When they smile at you in the morning or giggle when you tickle them, you may find yourself crying. You can even find joy in those quiet moments, in the dark, when he's *finally* asleep and you just stare at his little face knowing full well that you should close your eyes as well, but you just *can't.*
You are about to raise a little person. And it's a miracle. Even though you, a scientist, know more about all the details than most people, you still know that just the fact that all these biological processes happened at once or in a very specific order to create this little person... It's truly amazing. You are blessed. Remember this at 2 am. Remember how lucky you are and how amazing this is! Along with being completely overwhelming and life-changing and routine-destroying and OMG-willheeversleep-screaming. It will be okay.
Relax. Smile more. Laugh more. You will not enjoy everything (and that's okay!!!), but try to enjoy MORE. Because you have no idea how fast it will go.
Love, Mom to an 8 month old
I loved reading this as I head into my final 8 weeks before I do it all over again! Well said :)
ReplyDeleteAww... I'm glad someone else found comfort in it. Being a first-timer is hard!!! I'm imagining that the second time around will be much easier mentally because you won't be constantly doubting yourself. Probably harder physically though, since you'll have 2 to keep up with. Looking forward to reading how you adapt to it. :)
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