Still working on it.

Oh man, am I having a guilty mommy day. 

My husband has been away on business the last two nights.  Night one went relatively smoothly.  The bath was a bit touch and go, but we survived.  I got a few hours of downtime to watch some mindless TV before heading to bed myself.  We had one feeding as usual and the kid went right back to sleep.  Doing good. 

Yesterday morning I managed to get up and get ready without an extra set of hands juggling the kiddo.  This was a bigger accomplishment than usual because it was a work day for me.  I prepped lunches the night before, made sure laundry and everything was ready to go.  I was feeling good!  I showered, breakfasted both of us, and got myself through the rest of my "going to work" morning routine BEFORE the babysitter (read: grandma) arrived!  Impressive. 

I should have known things would go to hell quickly.

Last night was awful.  Truly.  B went to bed at 8 like usual.  I rushed around doing my chores, getting things ready for today.  At 9 o'clock the crying started.  I went up to comfort and B quickly fell back asleep in my arms.  But I could NOT put him back in the crib.  It was one of those nights where it seems like your bundle of joy has a button on their back.  As soon as the button touches the crib mattress the screaming begins.   I struggled for 45 minutes or so before giving up.  Trotted back downstairs, let the dog outside one last time, and then brought my angry munchkin into bed with me.  He fell asleep relatively quickly.  But.  Then 11:30, 12:30, 2, 3:30, 4:30...  screaming.  Writhing.  Anger.  Nothing I did helped.  I could tell B wanted so badly to be sleeping.  He just could not get there.  Ibuprofen.  Singing.  Bouncing.  Rocking.  None of it seemed to matter.  I was tired and alone and frustrated.  And there may have been questions like "what do you want?!"  And exclamations of "Just please stop."  And hot tears rolling down both our faces. 

And now I feel bad.  Awful even.  That my little munchkin was obviously in pain and I should have just snuggled him up and held him and sang and not worried about it.  But all I could think was "Ohmigosh!  STOP IT!  I only have 6 or 4 or 2 or 1 hour before I need to get up for work." 

This mom gig is hard sometimes.  I am used to being so independent.  It is hard to get your brain to switch gears and to recognize that this little being is relying completely on you.  You cannot think of yourself a lot of the time.  Meaning pretty much ALL of the time.  You come second.  Always.  And most of the time, most of the time that is fine.  Great even.  Because you are shaping this little person!  Watching a personality develop!  Learning what gives him the giggles!  Sometimes though, it sucks.  And it is SO. HARD.  And you just want to sleep!  SLEEP!!!! 

*sigh*

So now I am at work.  And all I keep thinking about is how MAD I was at my baby.  MY BABY!  Who needs me!  For everything.  And will for a very long time.  And I know that his teeth have been bothering him.  There are definite signs that more are coming.  But all I could think about was getting some sleep for work.  Bad momma. 

That precious little boy still kissed me goodbye when I left.  Kids are miracles.  I love that little boy so much.  I am still working on remembering that I come second.  One of the best tricks to parenting is to remove your expectations, then you will stress a lot less.  Do not expect your child to sleep through the night.  Do not expect your child not to wake up.  Do not expect your child to have a solid routine.  Or think that one night will be similar to the next.  Or to not need you at 2 a.m.  Every day is new.  And different.  And another chance to get things right.  I am still working on that too.