Thirteen months. This started off as a typical letter, but that changed when I broke down in tears a bit ago. It is almost 9 pm here, well past Beck's usual bedtime, but the Holiday Plague is upon us, so we are being a bit more lenient. Beck started getting sick on Christmas Day and by the 26th we were in full-blown survival mode. Take your "schedule" (I use the term loosely because we have a routine, but not a locked down schedule) and chuck it out the window. We are practically back in the newborn days... Naps whenever, food whenever, nighttime sleep wherever. Tons of fun. And snot. Good times.
Anyway, since the kiddo has been not really sleeping anyway, we gave up on the concept of even using the crib at all the last couple days. Camping out at night on the sofas and sneaking in zzzs when we could. Tonight we decided to just head up into our bed. I have spent nearly an hour trying to get this kid to sleep, to no avail. He is fighting it so hard. Completely exhausted, but will not close those eyes.
So, tonight, I am feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed as a momma. And that quickly spirals into feeling overwhelmed with everything else in life. Will we all ever sleep again? Will I ever catch up on laundry or the dishes? Will I ever have time to spend with my husband again? Will I ever get time to myself again? Of course, the answers to all of these questions is yes. But it is so darn easy to get caught up in one issue, whatever that issue happens to be, and think that this is the way things will always be, forever and ever.
I know that someday Beck will no longer need us for pretty much any reason. But that is hard to remember when he is sick and has needed me for pretty much every single moment of the last 3 days. I feel so awful for him, of course. Watching those little eyes water, his nose run, so obviously uncomfortable... I would take on the sickness myself if I could.
For now, I am just hoping to get through another night. And then another morning. Another afternoon and evening. Another day. And then however many more days it takes before this kid is well. And trying to remember that it IS true, this too shall pass, just like everything else has before it. And then something new will pop up, just like it always does as well. Such is life. Perhaps what I still need to realize as a parent is that we are always in survival mode. What works one day, may not work tomorrow. We are constantly adapting. How completely frustrating for a scientist.
Anyway, since the kiddo has been not really sleeping anyway, we gave up on the concept of even using the crib at all the last couple days. Camping out at night on the sofas and sneaking in zzzs when we could. Tonight we decided to just head up into our bed. I have spent nearly an hour trying to get this kid to sleep, to no avail. He is fighting it so hard. Completely exhausted, but will not close those eyes.
So, tonight, I am feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed as a momma. And that quickly spirals into feeling overwhelmed with everything else in life. Will we all ever sleep again? Will I ever catch up on laundry or the dishes? Will I ever have time to spend with my husband again? Will I ever get time to myself again? Of course, the answers to all of these questions is yes. But it is so darn easy to get caught up in one issue, whatever that issue happens to be, and think that this is the way things will always be, forever and ever.
I know that someday Beck will no longer need us for pretty much any reason. But that is hard to remember when he is sick and has needed me for pretty much every single moment of the last 3 days. I feel so awful for him, of course. Watching those little eyes water, his nose run, so obviously uncomfortable... I would take on the sickness myself if I could.
For now, I am just hoping to get through another night. And then another morning. Another afternoon and evening. Another day. And then however many more days it takes before this kid is well. And trying to remember that it IS true, this too shall pass, just like everything else has before it. And then something new will pop up, just like it always does as well. Such is life. Perhaps what I still need to realize as a parent is that we are always in survival mode. What works one day, may not work tomorrow. We are constantly adapting. How completely frustrating for a scientist.
I completely understand how you feel! My daughters are 2 and 4. Every time someone asks me how or what I'm doing, I most times reply, "Just getting through the day!" Now that we are out of baby mode (no more bottles, onesies, and even diapers...I still can't believe it) it has become much easier to look back on those difficult "baby days" as wonderful memories, instead of what they felt like at the time- the trenches of motherhood. You're doing a great job!! Don't worry! And thank you SO much for following my blog. <3
ReplyDeleteHi Isla, thanks for visiting! Yes, in the trenches! Good days are so good! But some days, ugh. I know we will all survive, but sometimes that is so hard to believe. :)
DeleteJust catching up on my blog reading now, halfway into January, but I hope that Beckett is feeling better!
ReplyDeleteI totally hear you on lacking time for yourself and time with your husband...I feel like my husband & I are strangers right now. Hang in there, it'll get better!
No worries, I find it nearly impossible to keep up with blog reading these days as well! We are all feeling much better, thanks!
DeleteI hope you and your husband are able to get out for a date night soon. We are definitely due for one as well.