45 weeks.

Dear Beckett,

Today is a big day. Today is the first night since you came into my world that I will sleep away from you. In fact, for the next two nights, I will be without you. How silly that this is making me so sad.  I am so looking forward to my weekend with your dad in Galena to join in the wedding celebration of a dear friend. I even know that you will have tons of fun with your Oma.  But part of me doesn't want to go knowing that I will miss you so very much.

I may have snuggled you extra at bedtime last night.  I may have asked for an extra kiss--you do that now, give kisses. And I was less disappointed than usual when you woke at 2 and didn't want to go back in your crib.  Okay, I confess, I did not even try putting you back in your crib this morning.  I brought you straight into bed with me.  There.  And I was not even mad when you woke up at 5:30 like usual and wouldn't go back to sleep. I enjoyed your babbling.  And snuggles. And lingered in bed with you too long as I spent the next 2 hours rushing around the house like crazy trying to get myself and this house ready for our departure.

Now, I am finally sitting down.  And you are snoozing on the sofa next to me as I type this.  When you wakeup, we will nurse, I will finish packing and then I will hand you off to Oma and leave. This should not hurt my heart so much.

I read once somewhere, that when you have children, no matter how much you love your spouse, you will love your children even more than that.  I did not think this was possible since I'm pretty darn crazy about your dad. But it is true, I do love you more.  I love you enough that I want to protect your from this big world and the things that might hurt you.  I know that there are things in life that your dad and I deal with every day that are scary or hard. I cannot protect him from that, but I can protect you.  For now at least.

I do not expect you that you will get into a lot of trouble while we are gone!  I am just babbling now. Surprising myself at how hard a few days away will be for me. Thankfully, the wedding will keep me plenty busy!

This has been a crazy couple of weeks for you, little man.  You are SO unbelievably active right now.  Constantly wanting to walk, pulling yourself up not consistently, but regularly enough, army-crawling, wanting so badly to cruise, but afraid to let go of our hands.  You even get up on all fours quite frequently, causing your dad and I to hold our breath and wait for that first moment of real crawling. I am convinced it will happen while we are gone this weekend.  Please wait.  :). You are sitting up sometimes now too.  You have been practicing that in your sleep!  And have done it at least twice so far while you have been awake.  I cannot help but think that our recent visit from Bailey and our Champaign family has something to do with all of this....  Bailey had just taken her first steps when they came to visit and I think you know you need to work hard to keep up with her next time you see her!

Your first birthday is rapidly approaching.  Only 46 days to go.  How is that even possible?! Planing your party is the next big task and I will be jumping in full speed after this weekend.  I know you will never remember it, it is really a party for us and our family to celebrate... You!

My little big man, I love you so much.  I will never admit to the tears that I am sure will fall as I drive away from you in just a little while. I will miss you so much. This is only the first of many times you or I will have 'sleepovers' away from each other. I hope the first is the hardest.

Love you bunches, Mama